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AIBU mil wants to 'help' with childcare

(66 Posts)
puttheteaon Wed 18-May-16 22:03:36

I have never got on well with MIL, personality clash really, she's bossy, brash, demanding and in my opinion just rude. My lovely mum looks after ds 3 days a week, we arranged this when i was pregnant and as she's an ex play leader and retired (and i trust her) it makes sense.

Mil informed me she was going to do one week a month starting next month. She didn't ask us, just announced it as if we were meant to be overjoyed! I can understand she is jealous (openly says this) but i don't trust her with my child, she has no respect for me and quite frankly i don't want her in our lives every 3 weeks. Dh just shrugs when i bring it up and has accepted it, it just annoys me so much that she just makes demands but no one ever disagrees with her!!! Just don't know how to avoid this without it being a huge deal and her hating me more than she already does (i 'turned' her son against her' when he told her off for feeding my unweaned baby hot chocolate once)

NeedACleverNN Wed 18-May-16 22:06:20

Why can't she help?

If you entertain the idea she may change her mind pretty quickly. The more you protest against it, the more she will want to do itn

Sighing Wed 18-May-16 22:09:06

She can't just turn up though. You know this is a DH problem (although whilst he's shrugging it off now it appears from the hot chocolate scenario he has a lone and a backbone). You need a discussion with DH about where you both agree on this and leave the rest to him.
She's not wrong though. You don't appear to like her from what you've put - if you don't want her in your life what do you want to do?

ProcrastinatorGeneral Wed 18-May-16 22:10:10

Tell her to get to fuck, carry on as you are.

Your husband can get to fuck too if it helps.

janethegirl2 Wed 18-May-16 22:12:57

As a potential dmil I do not want to ever have to provide childcare, free or otherwise.
Why should I need/want to? I have already brought up my DC, why should I want to do it again??

puttheteaon Wed 18-May-16 22:16:12

Yeah i think you're right, the more i say no the more i become the bad guy and it happens anyway..

Long story short, she doesn't live here so her helping means staying in our 2 bed flat 3 nights a week every month, she is a big drinker and twice we have had to remove the carseat from her car as she's been so drunk the night before she 'told us' she was driving ds in the morning. Pushes the buggy down the centre of busy roads. She openly tells me she dislikes what i dress ds in, what i feed him is 'indigestable', feeds him chocolate/anything i've said no to...oooohh the list goes on.

Sorry not so short!

leelu66 Wed 18-May-16 22:16:18

^^ hmm

timelytess Wed 18-May-16 22:16:25

Say no. The arrangement is already established, your dm, you and the dc are comfortable with it.
Ultimately, you need peace of mind. You won't have it if you let your mil make the rules. Tell her. If that means she takes her baby boy back home, that's his loss.

cheapandcheerful Wed 18-May-16 22:16:48

jane that's great but I'm not sure how that helps the OP at all hmm

OP what is it that your MIL expects you to be doing for 1 day a month when she has your dc? At work? Could you say yes but set out numerous caveats that make it more hassle than it's worth for her?

leelu66 Wed 18-May-16 22:16:55

Sorry that was meant for jane's post!

Ffion3107 Wed 18-May-16 22:17:32

Tell her your child's routine comes first!!
If he's happy with your Mum, a big change in routine could be a big deal to him. Maybe offer a morning or an afternoon with her every once in a while to start with if you are going to consider her offer at all?
If not, tell her straight and state your reasons.

cheapandcheerful Wed 18-May-16 22:17:56

Ah OP, just saw your more recent post - I'd say no if I were you!

beenaroundawhile Wed 18-May-16 22:18:18

Speaking from the position of someone who lost one parent and cares for the other, I'd like to say you really don't know how lucky you are to have not one but two grandparents who both can and want to help you.

What will you mil be doing that week? Three days like your mum, staying over etc?

If I were you I would put aside differences and welcome her warmly. You also don't know when your mum may not be able to help for whatever reason, ywbvu to approach your mil at that time simply because you needed her, without having considered her needs now.

If it's your mum 3 days x 3 weeks and your mil 3 days x 1 week I would say you are very very fortunate.

Make the most of your family and your time together. Life and time are precious, it's not worth falling out.

LouSavage Wed 18-May-16 22:19:27

Just say no thank you. Simple. If she kicks off just let her, she's an adult she can handle it.

NeedACleverNN Wed 18-May-16 22:20:14

And with that update you can definitely say no

Basically tell her you can't trust your child to be safe with her.

It will cause a big up roar but I would rather a family dispute than an injured child or worse

janethegirl2 Wed 18-May-16 22:21:25

OP just tell dmil you have already got childcare sorted and you don't need her to do anything just now, but you'd consider her if your current plans fall through, assuming she would be able at that time.

beenaroundawhile Wed 18-May-16 22:22:55

Ok - op I just saw your update too and understand a bit more now... You should have included that before! Is she really that bad...? If she is hen frankly your DP should be dealing with it but I still say giver her a chanc e

puttheteaon Wed 18-May-16 22:24:47

Oh procrastinator if only i could!!

Sighing i know i don't like her, but that wasn't always the case, i tolerated her crazy behaviour, even thought it was funny before i had ds but since i got pregnant she has burned so many bridges with me and i am finding it very hard to forgive her for any of it - know i haven't gone much into it but the drinking is a big issue and the lack of respect she has for me sad

Mishaps Wed 18-May-16 22:31:13

Grandparents enjoy being involved in looking after their GC but they need to wait to be asked - your MIL is out of order. Your children, your choice of who cares for them. So just say no thank you

Mishaps Wed 18-May-16 22:33:22

If she is a drinker your child is at risk. Just say no. I speak from experience as I had an alcoholic MIL - she did not look after the children on her own.

Kimononono Wed 18-May-16 22:34:30

Tell her and your dp to jog on and stick to it.

228agreenend Wed 18-May-16 22:43:04

Say 'no' and don't let her bully you into doing things you don't want to do or agree to. Get your husband to back,you up.

IcingandSlicing Wed 18-May-16 22:45:36

I wouldn't let a drunk person take care of my kids no matter how howling and begging they are.
It's also illegal until the iids are 14 or so. May be less, but definitely not a baby.

serin Wed 18-May-16 22:47:21

No way, No way, No way.

I would thank her for offering but say the childcare is all sorted now, your Mum has altered her lifestyle to fit DS in and is looking forward to having him.

If she doesn't accept this I would add that actually I also have concerns with your alcohol intake and the way you have no respect for me. All hell will probably break loose but you can handle that for the sake of your DS.

She is an utter loon, who would give hot chocolate to an unweaned child?


Iknownuffink Wed 18-May-16 22:47:56

Seriously? WTF?

Thank her, ask her if she would mind baby sitting some evening so you can have some couple time.

That way baby is in bed and you are only away for a few hours.

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