FIL calling himself 'Daddy'(24 Posts)
Hi all, just looking for some advice please.
I'm a first time Mum to my 6 month old son. I'm engaged and living with the OH (Baby's Daddy). I get on very well with both MIL and FIL, however since LO arrival FIL has made some comments regarding the way we go about things with our son. OH and I have spoken to FIL about these comments. In the last couple of months FIL has referred to himself as 'Daddy' at least once every visit (weekly). It upsets the OH and I, and is wrong on too many levels!
When I return to work in July MIL and FIL will be taking care of LO one day a week for us. I don't want FIL calling himself 'Daddy' all day whilst we're at work!! How can I broche the subject to nip it in the bud without upsetting anyone?
All/ any advice gratefully received!
Just tell him. Or ask why he does it? mention to MIL as well see if you can get her to discourage it. Probably confusing for LO and weird for your DP!
Does he correct himself?
FIL often calls MIL Mummy in front of DD and the a say, oops I mean granny! I think he's slipping back into when their kids were hound out of habit/muscle memory!
But I know it's not meant in any way, so possibly different.
Saying anything to him is difficult as he takes everything really personally, and makes us feel bad for saying anything :-( I think he does it as he worked away a lot when OH was little, I think maybe he's trying to make up for the time he lost back then. Will definitely try and speak to MIL next visit :-)
Is he doing it on purpose though or is it a slip of the tongue both my parents and PIL do this regularly by accident.
It's weird but your son will know who's who.
DS2s gran used to do this (mummy obvs) to him to the point that I sometimes refer to her as his mum myself
She used to come back and tell me when she's taken him out that people thought she was his mum and hadn't corrected them.
Needless to say after his dad and I broke up I have had minimal contact with her.
Nip it in the bud now OP.
No, either myself or OH have corrected him.. FIL doesn't seem to do it when OH is at work, only when he's home.
It won't confuse him at 6 months so don't worry about that.
My df used to refer to my kids as
'How's my baby today?' Drove me insane so sympathy.
He's doing the same with my ds/dils baby now even though he's been told it's silly
Get your mil on side and very time he does it laugh loudly and call him grandad. He's probably just very excited over first grandchild.
I have, completely accidentally and with no intention of claiming ownership, referred to dgd as mine or to myself as her mummy, particularly when she was tiny. Its a generational slip. The baby 'comes back' and you go into parent mode.
You arent responsible for ensuring he never gets upset. It's ok if someone is upset with what youve said if the reason you said it was to challenge their unreasonable behaviour.
You can put it several ways
Please stop calling yourself daddy. You arent the father and it will confuse the baby.
Are you ok fil <head tilt> only you seem to be getting a bit confused and think you are xs daddy. Do you think you ought to see your gp. We're all getting a bit worried about you
Well now fil you keep calling yourself my baby's daddy and people are going to talk
It really upsets us when you refer to yourself as our childs father. We think it would be best if you didnt look after the baby to avoid confusion.
Weird! I'd say gosh grampy/ grandad keeps forgetting he is grampy/grandad now and not daddy. Silly old grampy/grandad. Next time he talks to your son and refers to himself as daddy. If he says anything then say gosh what if he starts calling you that in public - what would the neighbours say- I don't want rumours flying around thank you grampy/ grandad. Good luck!
Can't you just call him "Grampy" in front of your son.
"Silly grampy, he's Daddy's daddy isn't he? But he'll always be your Grampy"
-- or some such bollocks!--
I am of course assuming he is doing it on purpose given you say he restricts it to only when his son can hear.
Lol or you could get name badges for everyone in the room to where and his say gramps etc haha
Or a personalised book from your son - I love my grampy and a personalised vest and worlds best grandad mug?
Thanks everyone :-) I shall discuss with OH and we'll make a plan haha!
Don't let them do the child care.
You've asked him to not do it and he still does, your afraid to approach him. Can you imagine when there are other issues you don't agree with while your working and then you are stuck for child care.
He doesn't care that you don't want him to do it - he wants to do he will. It's a power thing.
The next time he says it say ' don't be silly grandad your not daddy (twinky laugh)'
This guy knows what he is doing
I would have to mock him every time he referred to himself as Daddy.
Oh listen to silly grandpa, he's being very forgetful.
Or, or, you could make it super duper weird for him to do that, and (when LO can't hear ofc!) call him Daddy~ iyswim.
Sorry, I'll get my coat...
(in reality, use of "Daddy" like that is so, so gross and skeevy! So, yeah maybe not )
I get worried about my nan saying I'm my nephew's mum to nephew when we visit, but she has dementia and I do say "no Nan, just his crazy auntie". And I can see the point others have raised about getting into parentmode with a new LO around, especially when actually first time grandparents, that's totally understandable.
But it doesn't sound like your FiL has dementia or is doing this as an occasional slip-up. It's probably something your OH needs to tackle though
Aside from this "Daddy" business, has your FiL expressed a preference for which grandparent name he'd like to be called? If not, maybe ask him that first. If he says "I want LO to call me Daddy" or similar, then you definitely know he's doing this on purpose for some totally bizarre reason no doubt. Plus it would give you an opportunity to veto that and diplomatically point out that "Daddy" isn't suitable.
Talk to him. Outline how important he is as a grandfather. Remind him of how lucky ds is to have a father and a grandfather in his life. Whitter on about the preciousness of the grandparent/grandchild relationship and the grabdparent's role. If you can bring him to see that his role is different from, but as important as, a father's role, he may begin to visualise himself there, and that'll help him to stop.
Thank you so much everyone for replying, and for the great ideas to help stop it happening. I think our first move will be to establish why it keeps happening, then to tackle it from there.
Thank you all so much again :-)
'mummy' and 'daddy' both are puke making words imo at any age, but this does sound as if he's losing the plot a bit and trying to under mine OH
Sometimes it's a slip especially if like my parents who refer to each other as mum and dad at times - but they self correct.
She used to come back and tell me when she's taken him out that people thought she was his mum and hadn't corrected them
MIL did this a lot then started calling her self mama - we corrected her every time as it was tip of ice burg at that point with her.
Yes there were lots of under lying stuff there - she hadn't enjoyed being a mother, she felt she was too young to be GM and she was very undermining towards us as parents and me in general.
We corrected and the children then correct her when they got to talking and she eventually got into GM role.
I think you'll have to be a bit firm and talk about it with him - him getting upset is possibly a way of making you go along with him.
My gran and grandad had many many children, like they had young children around the house for 25 years and always referred to each other as mum and dad. They just got into the habit of it. I thought it was hilarious as a kid 'granny! That's not dad that's grandad!!'
Creepy if it's deliberate, but could just be a slip.
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