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AIBreallyU to refuse to apologise?

(93 Posts)
frenchbluepuffin Wed 18-May-16 19:32:27

Ok, I'll try and make this as brief as possible. I have had an ok relationship with my step mother, she is a little spoilt - some might say! My dad works abroad and she has become very accustomed to living the high life (she refuses to travel Easyjet!!). In January my dad asked me to put his property on the market whilst he was away (she was too busy washing laundry and taking Xmas decs down to do it...her words) so they both agreed I sort it. This is a property they don't live in. 1 week later, we got the news that our then 2 1/2 month baby boy was going to need open heart surgery for a large hole in the heart (floored us completely). That same afternoon my stepmother rang me and accused me of leaving windows and doors open in the house they wanted to sell. I hadn't and tried to explain that in fact I had closed them as they had been open when I arrived (it was the builder), she wouldn't have it, nevertheless I got a little worked up and upset and hung up on her. That Friday myself and my baby were admitted to hospital for the hardest month of our lives whilst he went through and recovered from ohs. Not once did she call me or my husband, message me, visit my family or us in hospital, which really upset me. Nor has she been in contact since. In fact, she recently defriended me on facebook!! She has just now told my dad that the only way forward is for me to apologise to her. She wants an apology for me hanging up on her!! This goes against every single grain in my body. I said 'if I were to apologise, would I then get an apology for her completely ignoring the fact my son was in hospital having ohs'...he couldn't guarantee it. I am really close to my dad and we love seeing him, so he is stuck in a very difficult position. I really don't want to upset him, but I feel very strongly about this. We had such amazing support from the rest of my family and friends I just don't understand her stance on this. I cannot imagine apologising to her and then being invited for dinner as though nothing has happened and that it is all OK, because for me it isn't.

TrinityForce Wed 18-May-16 19:35:12

No way, what unreasonable behaviour from her.

What does your Dad think? Did you previously have a good relationship with them? Presumably so for him to ask you to sell their house.

Just fucking weird. I wouldn't apologise but I'd try to get back in contact if she's usually lovely.

seagreengirl Wed 18-May-16 19:36:26


LittleSausageFingers Wed 18-May-16 19:36:45

YANBU. I wouldn't apologise, but I'd try to be civil for the sake of your dad.

RaeSkywalker Wed 18-May-16 19:37:54


mirrorballs Wed 18-May-16 19:39:13

Yanbu at all. Any chance you could have a conversation with her, tell her you won't apologise for your very valid reasons, but you'd please like to put it behind you so you can all move on?

AyeAmarok Wed 18-May-16 19:41:51


Your dad should strap on a pair and tell her to give her head a wobble though.

IWILLgiveupsugar Wed 18-May-16 19:43:52

Yanbu. She should be apologising to you for being such a cold bitch at a time when you really needed support. Your father should be telling her that tbh.

Let them sort out their own bloody house as well!

Fanakapan Wed 18-May-16 19:46:12

YANBU. Can you talk privately to your dad and say that you feel very sad that his wife is being so childish and what a difficult time you've been having.

It's your dad who's being U by passing messages like a schoolboy and not just telling her to button it, find some empathy and speak to you directly.

Unfriended you on Facebook? Are they both in Y7?

Seriously, just enjoy the peace and recuperation time. You owe nobody anything.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Wed 18-May-16 19:48:40

YANBU. Over my dead body would I apologise for something that is so so trivial compared to what you went through. She sounds like a right cow. Your dad should be telling her to catch a hold of herself.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog Wed 18-May-16 19:55:54


GunShotResidue Wed 18-May-16 19:57:48

Would it be PA/immature to send her an email:

"I'm sorry that, whilst I was stressed and upset about my baby son's upcoming open heart surgery, I hung up on you when you repeatedly accused me of something I didn't do.
Yours, French"

frenchbluepuffin Wed 18-May-16 19:59:15

I did think about trying to talk to her and say that 'whilst I acknowledge that I shouldn't have hung up the phone on her, I'm not going to apologise'...but it just seems so bloody trivial compared to what else was going on. I'm wondering if this is more of a power/control thing.

FetchezLaVache Wed 18-May-16 20:00:12

I think GSR's email is absolutely perfect!

Strokethefurrywall Wed 18-May-16 20:00:12

Fuck. That. Shit.

WreckingBallsInsideMyHead Wed 18-May-16 20:01:39


Surely your dad can see that hanging up on someone who was accusing you of doing something you hadn't is trivial compared to what you've gone through with your son?

Stepmum should be apologising to you!

FetchezLaVache Wed 18-May-16 20:02:26

Sounds like she needs to grow up and he needs to stop enabling this shit. Regardless of the ohs, who the fuck asks somebody with a tiny baby to sort the sale of their house when there's an adult (whose house it actually is) taking down the Christmas decorations?

TheWitTank Wed 18-May-16 20:03:33

There's not a chance I would apologise. She is a selfish brat and not contacting you during such a stressful period is unforgivable. I would be polite and distant in the future for your dad's sake, but would keep main contact between the two of you.

EverySongbirdSays Wed 18-May-16 20:05:05

YANBU - do NOT apologise or even acknowledge that you shouldn't have hung up, in the circumstances you were well within your rights. Says something, but phrase it without using the words "I shouldn't" or "I'm sorry" you have nothing to be sorry for and you were right to hang up

diaimchlo Wed 18-May-16 20:05:07

YADNBU at all.

Her behaviour is absolutely disgusting and if I was you, she would be hearing that from me face to face......

frenchbluepuffin Wed 18-May-16 20:05:34

Gunshotresidue that is a good message (I may get to that point once I stop fuming) but FetchezLaVache (great name) you are bang on with that!!

AyeAmarok Wed 18-May-16 20:05:51

Gun's message is perfect actually.

HeffalumpHistory Wed 18-May-16 20:07:41

There is not a chance in hell that I would apologise to her. Yanbu AT ALL!!!
In fact, I'd go as far as your dad is bu for allowing this person to make these demands when she is in the wrong. How cold does someone have to be to not get in touch when a baby is that poorly. A time when both she & your dad should have been there for you.

Hell would have to freeze over before I'd have anything to do with her.

Hope your little one is on the mend & you continue to have a good support around you

Idefix Wed 18-May-16 20:08:26

Yy to what other pp are saying about your ddad not helping in this situation. By starting negotiations with you about this he is giving his dw the nod that she can carry on behaving like this.
Yanbu at all in drawing a line in the sand over this.

Nanny0gg Wed 18-May-16 20:09:28

Your father is not in a difficult position at all. His wife has behaved extremely badly and she needs pulling up on it.
He should explain very forcefully clearly to her that she owes you an apology and that hell will freeze over before she gets one from you.

I do hope your DS is okay now.

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