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AIBU?

to not use his surname for baby

172 replies

notenoughtimeagain · 18/05/2016 13:09

When me and DP met we both discussed our wants for the future. I knew he wanted another child and he knew I wanted to get married, have the big day etc. 2 years down the line and we are pregnant. DP has started to say he doesn't want a big day and has shown no interest in asking me to marry him anytime soon. I feel a little bit like he is getting his own way and I've been tricked. DP has a child from a previous relationship who has his surname. I have two DC who have mine and my ex partners surnames double barrelled. We never married. TBH if I had known what a pain double barrelled names are I would have thought twice. Filling in forms and there is never enough room , searching for appts, prescriptions etc. Both DC tend to just be known as my surname at school as it is easier. Their choice and both me and EXP don't mind as it genuinely is a mouthful of a name and a pain. They use the full name for official stuff obviously.
With the new arrival I am seriously thinking about only using my surname. I really don't want to have a different name to the baby and my experience of double barrelled is not great ( although it wouldn't be quite as long as my other children's). Of course DP will be on the birth certificate but just not using his surname. And if he ever gets around to marrying me we could change babies name to our married name. DP is adamant that we should use his surname, double barrelled as a minimum but preferably just his name. AIBU to want to use just my surname? If he is that traditional he should be marrying me. He surely can't pick and choose the bits he wants to do properly?!

OP posts:

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Fourormore · 18/05/2016 13:11

Not getting married has nothing to do with what your children's name should be. Why should they have your name? Why not his?

I have a double barrelled surname and it's not remotely a "pain". Sounds like an excuse to me.

RufusTheReindeer · 18/05/2016 13:11

I have never understood giving the child the mans name if not married

I get double barrelling or changing the surname completely if that works

So i dont think you are being unreasonable at all

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 13:12

How much of this is you being pissed off at him for not marrying you? I don't know, using the baby as a bargaining chip doesn't sit right with me.

If I've read your post wrong, apologies but your motives sound like punishment of your dp rather than a genuine desire for your child to have your surname.

RufusTheReindeer · 18/05/2016 13:12

My surname and dhs would have been awful double barrelled

They are fairly awful single barrelled

Clandestino · 18/05/2016 13:14

Why should your child have his name? He doesn't seem to want to marry you, you have the right to decide on the surname.

Somerville · 18/05/2016 13:14

YANBU.

I wouldn't move in with someone or have their baby without getting married. But not everything goes to plan of course, and if I ended up in that situation I would give the child my surname. If their father wanted the hypothetical child that I carried in my body to have his surname, he should also offer it to me. (And more importantly than names, all the additional security that comes with getting married.)

Cheesecake53 · 18/05/2016 13:14

YANBU at all!

AgeOfEarthquakes · 18/05/2016 13:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I wish I'd given my DCs my surname.

fuzzywuzzy · 18/05/2016 13:14

Agree with pp I don't see why a baby should have the father last name if the couple aren't married.

I really hate not having the same name as my DC (divorced), and my DC don't like it either.

icanteven · 18/05/2016 13:16

There is no sense to giving the child the name of a man to whom you are not married. If your instincts are correct, and he doesn't want to get married and has just been stringing you along, then all the more reason to stick with your name. Don't give him an ultimatum or anything, but make it clear that the child will have your name, and if he kicks up a fuss, point out that you are not married, and as a single woman, you child should have your name only.

Really, he can just fuck off with the ever getting around to marrying you thing. He has already disrespected your explicit wishes pretty profoundly by refusing to get married in the first place, however vague this refusal is. Really though, if you want to get married and he doesn't you need to stand up for yourself a bit more.

ollieplimsoles · 18/05/2016 13:17

Yanbu, why give your dc his name? He knows you wanted to get married and he hasn't made steps towards that.

You sound bitter about it all and about the dc having his name so don't do it.

MrsJayy · 18/05/2016 13:18

You sound annoyed and want to punish him its not his fault you are having a baby unmarried was a mutual decision the fact he now says no wedding must hurt though but double barreling isnt really a pain is it ?

TendonQueen · 18/05/2016 13:19

He doesn't get final say. You need to compromise and the double barrelling idea probably seems like the best way to achieve that, regardless of the marriage issue.

On that point, if he's saying he doesn't want a big day, then don't have one. Small down to earth wedding you can arrange quickly before the baby arrives. Job done!

MTPurse · 18/05/2016 13:19

It does sound like you are wanting to punish your dp for not marrying you tbh.

notenoughtimeagain · 18/05/2016 13:20

My kids double barrelled name is a whopping 16 letters! And as its not hyphenated it sometimes comes under my initial or exp initial. We both agreed we had not thought it through enough and for us it is a pain. If it's not a pain for other double barrelled people that's great. But for us it's a pain.
I agree there may be an element of punishment with DP but also he seems to have no interest in what he has always known is important to me. In my mind I can see that his non desire to get hitched could be a deal breaker for me further down the line. It's at that point that I would have a baby without my name which could be an issue when it comes to travel, school etc. I want to have the same name as my children.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 18/05/2016 13:20

TBH, the only fair way is to use both surnames.

It sounds like you are planning on insisting on using just your name out of bitterness rather than anything else.

Barmaid101 · 18/05/2016 13:21

A baby I carry would always have my name, before getting married, we discussed if we had a baby before hand what surname would baby have, and I always maintained that the baby would have my name, which would then be changed upon marriage.
In this situation baby would have my name or would be double barrelled.

AyeAmarok · 18/05/2016 13:24

YANBU.

Give them your name, for oh so many reasons.

MrsJayy · 18/05/2016 13:24

I can see you want the same name but your other children have their dads name so its not the same as yours does your partner not want to get marriec at all ?

ZestyMaximus · 18/05/2016 13:24

I can't see any reason why his name should take precedence over your name. Therefore I'd give the new baby your name so that they all have your name in common. Especially so as your current dc tend to just use your name anyway.

magoria · 18/05/2016 13:25

Life is much easier for you as a mother if the child has your surname.

Given the choice now I would have done DS with mine.

DS was born pre the name on the birth certificate = PR so technically his dad doesn't have it.

DS spends most days/nights with me however things like schools putting Mrs son's surname or customs asking if I have proof/permission to take him on holiday (when younger) were annoying.

Funny no one ever asks that now he is a surley 15 year old

Fourormore · 18/05/2016 13:27

You need to put your anger about the big day wedding to one side. It's perfectly reasonable to not want a big day. It's perfectly reasonable to have wanted to have a big day and then change your mind and decide you don't want one after all. It doesn't sound like your DP has tricked you at all.

The baby is a person, not a possession. Morally, you have no more rights over the baby than the father does and once he's on the birth certificate, you won't have any more legal right either.

And again, having a different name to your child isn't a pain either. It's never caused me any bother in 11 years.

If marriage was so important, you should have talked it through before bringing a baby into the equation. Now the baby is here you both need to try and resolve the situation like adults, and not by using the baby as a pawn to get what you want.

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RufusTheReindeer · 18/05/2016 13:27

not

15 letters here

notenoughtimeagain · 18/05/2016 13:29

Mrsjayy the kids have a double barred of mine and their dad but tend to just use mine on a day to day basis for ease. Therefore we would al have the same surname.

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 18/05/2016 13:29

I really don't see why the baby should have his name over yours. You and all your DC will then all have the same name (you said you had dropped their DF's name from the double-barrel for everyday use).

I can't imagine having a different name to my DC. If it's that important to him, explain that getting married is that important to you!

Fully agree that if you split further down the line it's just easier if you all have the same name, not having been married in the first place.

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