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AIBU?

To REALLY want a girl

97 replies

WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 01:09

I am considering having another DC but I obsessively want a girl Thing is there is no logical reason, I already have a DD and a DS

In fact DD was far "worse", much more difficult than DS. It's obviously unreasonable to expect any gender for sure and I would love any child but I think I would be disappointed I'm actually quite embarrassed about feeling this way because the past two times I haven't minded at all! I love both kids equally but find I have a stronger "protective" feeling towards DS like he's the only boy I could ever love.... Is that abnormal? (Prepares for harsh answers, ps I'm still hormonal from breast feeding which I didn't do with DD and I also had PND with DD)

I always find out the gender at like 16 weeks, do you think leaving it as a surprise til birth would make it easier or harder? Part of me thinks easier as once you see them you wouldn't care, part of me thinks harder because you've had no time to come to terms with it.

OP posts:

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softboiledeggs · 18/05/2016 01:24

Evening walking have you always wanted three children? Maybe as you have one of each and as you say you can't imagine feeling a stronger protection towards another DS it's that you are deep down happy with two perhaps?
If you do still want a third maybe you could try to come to terms with a DS before you start trying... You are aware by your post that it's having a healthy child that's important but it's easier said than done to tell ourselves what we know is right sometimes irrational logic takes over... I don't think it's right to have a preference imo but if you do go ahead before coming to terms with a DS I say find out the scans so you do have some time before the lo arrives

SeasonalVag · 18/05/2016 06:20

Don't t obsessed over it....I have two boys and adore them, was secretly hoping for a girl the second time.....you know....I find boys toys way more interesting and the only pang I have is when shopping for clothes...because boys are awful.....checks and car motifs and all that deal.

Janecc · 18/05/2016 06:22

Would it not be better to wait until your hormones have settled? When our bodies are not in balance, it's hard to be completely rational about our feelings. I think the last thing you need right now is to become pregnant, you run the risk of not being able to look after the two blessings you already have. Enjoy your lovely children, snuggle with your ds and teach your DD to be the best possible big sister. Bring them up in the knowledge that they are wonderful, individual and much loved. In a few months, you may feel completely differently. Did you have counselling for PND? I'm just wondering if you need some/a bit more.

VioletBam · 18/05/2016 06:25

Oh I'd find out OP. I always find out the gender too...so you can prepare and visualise them.

CaoNiMao · 18/05/2016 06:26

But what if you have a girl and she's not healthy?

The 'as long as it's healthy' thing is unpleasant.

wheresthel1ght · 18/05/2016 06:40

Yanbu we want what we want. I found out I was pregnant after nearly 20 years of being told I was infertile. It took until about 3 months after she arrived that I could settle and not think someone would come and take her away.

I was desperate for a girl as I knew this would be the only child I would ever have. I don't know why, I have 4 godsons & a step son that I adore but there was just this physical ache for a girl.

toffee1000 · 18/05/2016 06:46

Cao Surely it's normal to want a healthy DC? I don't imagine many people actively want a disabled child. It's one of those things you find out about and deal with. Disabled kids are not easy and if you heard someone saying "I really want a disabled kid" or whatever you'd sound v v odd.

FreshHorizons · 18/05/2016 07:00

Since it is 50/50 I wouldn't bother about having a third at the moment. Definitely not the time if you are hormonal.

WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 07:26

CaoNi At absolutely no point did I say the words "as long as it's healthy". But cheers for not actually reading my post and totally assuming I went with a generic statement. As someone who is not NT it isn't a statement I would make.

OP posts:

WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 07:29

Thanks everyone, I do plan on waiting and I'm using contraception currently but I just felt worried my feelings were unusual

OP posts:

namechangingagainagain · 18/05/2016 07:39

no not unusual I don't think.
I have 4 boys. Im not having any more but looked into gender selection for ds4.
Only DH knows how i feel and tbh even he doesn't know how strongly I feel about it. It's really important for me that my children have no idea how I feel about it. I'm aware of families where boys are not valued in the same way as girls and it realy impacts their self esteem.
We had an early gender scan and it was important for me to prepare myself before he was born. Now DS4 is here and growing up I cant imagine having a different child he is so scrumptious.
Part of the reason I wanted a girl was I always pictured myself bringing up akick ass feminist. However as they are getting older Im learning that raising a feminist boy/man is just as important :)

thecatsarecrazy · 18/05/2016 07:42

No I'm the same. I've been reading about how to conceive a girl. I know its probably nonsense but hasn't stopped me looking.

TeenAndTween · 18/05/2016 07:51

I am a bit concerned that your first DD could feel pushed out. It sounds as if you are perhaps a bit less 'bonded' with your DD. If you did have a DD2 you would have to work doubly hard to make sure DD1 didn't feel replaced.

I do think you shouldn't have another DC unless you would be happy with either a DS or a DD.

MrsJayy · 18/05/2016 07:59

Ive tried to think of a nice way to say this but I cant and im not trying to be nasty but do you think another girl would be easier than your first girl maybe your Dd isnt the girl you expected so broody for another ?

Abbinob · 18/05/2016 08:00

Was DS your first? if so maybe that's why you feel so protective of him.
YANBU though, it's not like your going to love the actual baby any less if they are a boy.
We're ttc and I'm hoping for a girl because i love little girls clothes, that's silly and I know it is and deep down obviously I don't actually care, a boy would make life easier actually because they can share a room.

Is there anything wrong with hoping a baby to be healthy? Not being a dick just curious but surely most parents want that for their baby? I don't think they're saying they don't want it if it's sick/disabled, well I hope not anyway!

Shakirawannabe · 18/05/2016 08:06

I think you need to wait a while before having another one, it sounds to me like you're not ready

HeteronormativeHaybales · 18/05/2016 08:10

YABU.
If I'm entirely honest, I don't think anyone should embark on having a baby with such a strong and fixed idea of what they want that baby to be like - be it the sex, personality, traits/talents, etc.
One of my favourite bits of poetry is in 'You're' by Sylvia Plath, describing an unborn/new baby: 'Right, like a well-done sum. / A clean slate, with your own face on.' Not a face the parents impose before he or she is even born/conceived. There is just too much of a risk that those ideas might not make room for the person the child is, but more or less subtle processes might push the child to make room for the idea.

Summerblaze100 · 18/05/2016 08:14

I had a DD and a DS like you when I tried for DC3. I secretly hoped for a girl too and then DS2 arrived and I was a tiny bit disappointed. He's gorgeous and amazing and wouldn't want him any other way.

In some ways he has helped with my current of with #4 as I'm back to not minding as I know now that it has nothing to do with their gender but who they are.

Also slightly put off girls as DD is now 12 and starting those horrific lovely teenage years.

I have never found out the sex before birth.

Summerblaze100 · 18/05/2016 08:15

Current pg.

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 08:16

If I'm entirely honest, I don't think anyone should embark on having a baby with such a strong and fixed idea of what they want that baby to be like - be it the sex, personality, traits/talents, etc.

I agree with this. Also the way you describe your son as the only boy you could ever love but you don't feel that way about your daughter to me says you need to work on your feelings towards the daughter you have, not try for another one.

Lightbulbon · 18/05/2016 08:20

Your feelings aren't unusual at all.

If I ever have another one I'd like another dd even though I already have one of each.

And same as you she was a harder baby.

MrsBobDylan · 18/05/2016 08:33

Do you think your experience with pnd with DD is pushing you to want to have the experience 'back again' but this time it be less hard?

I think you should give yourself plenty of time to think about how you feel and try to unravel it. Can you talk it through in RL with someone?

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LittleLionMansMummy · 18/05/2016 08:40

I'm in the yabu camp, sorry op. I get irrationally irked by threads like this. Tbh it's not all that irrational - both my sisters had fertility problems (both had IVF - one successfully, one not) and I also had issues which made it extremely difficult to conceive (pcos). We would all have happily taken either gender! I'm aware I'm projecting a bit on this one tbh but it's the way I feel. I understand more when a person has 3 of one gender and wants the opposite gender for their final child. But you already have one of each!

IoraRua · 18/05/2016 08:47

Yanbu. Yes, lots of people struggle to have kids, and yes it's sad. But you cannot take on those struggles for them, your pregnancies are yours and how you react to them is up to you. Right now you're hormonal and it's difficult to stop yourself from imagining the future you want.
Your emotions are valid - though probably rooted in a deeper issue - and you need to accept them as they are and then.think them through. Pushing them away under the guise of "well some people can't have babies at all" is not a healthy way to handle them.

HazelBite · 18/05/2016 08:51

I was ready to read that you already have five sons!
Yes your "desire" seems totally illogical.

I had two sons and desperately wanted a girl, I went on a special diet only dtd at a certain time in my cycle, and studied my biorhythms ......all designed to help me concieve a girl, well after 2 miscarriages I was pleased to be pregnant.
I gave birth to twin boys, and was delighted.
Unless you really want a third child and don't care what sex it is I think it is wrong to fixate on having a daughter.
Having two miscarriages put everything into perspective for me, I wanted another child, it would be a bonus if it was a girl but above all I wanted another child.

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