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DP's stunning colleague

(38 Posts)
PersonalSpace Tue 17-May-16 21:15:28

AIBU to be bothered by this?

DP works with a stunning young woman every day, they are basically partners at work. I don't want to give too much away but she had a bit of a public profile for being a stunning sex symbol. She has a bombshell figure and a huge fan following.

I trust DP completely so can't quite put my finger on the problem or why I feel the way I do. I hate seeing photos of them together and although I would normally have decent self esteem feel like he can't help but find me lacking in appearance after spending all day with this girl. I'm just normal, I can look good when I make an effort but nothing like her and they are together all the time and get on like a house on fire. I have never met her. There are always comments from him typical to this: X had been offered thousands of pounds to do this/ I was having a coffee with X today and this person was checking her out...

As I say, I don't have suspicions that DP would do anything, it's more that it just affects my self esteem as how can he spend all day most days with this person and then come home to me. Even when you know your partner loves you you want to feel like you're very attractive to them and basically I just feel I can't compete. How can I get over this issue?

PS I don't think DP knows I feel like this, I tend to just brush it off and change the subject when she comes up.

Kitty3E Tue 17-May-16 21:21:58

You feel like this because you are jealous, which is not a bad thing everyone gets jealous but end of the day there are stunning women everywhere and your husband has married you. When you are both old he will be there with you and you with him. You need to remember that.

Plus if you meet this girl she is prob a nice person.

mrschatty Tue 17-May-16 21:23:02

I'm really sorry you feel like this way about your dh and his work colleague
You say you have no reason not to trust dh and he's never given you any reason to think anything was going on. Have you ever had reason to believe that there is anything from her end to your husband has she ever made any suggestions for 1:1 dinners etc?
Would it subside your fears if you invited her round for a meal to get to know her and get to know her a person usually it's the unknown that can cause unease.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe Tue 17-May-16 21:24:20

I'm sure your DP is lovely, but is there any particular reason she would be interested in him?

Because she most likely won't be.

PersonalSpace Tue 17-May-16 21:30:07

Thank you for the replies. I know this is my issue and not either of theirs and they haven't done anything to cause this as if he was this friendly with a guy and worked this closely with him I obviously wouldn't have a problem. I'm sure she is a nice girl. I was on the phone to him once and she was there and she shouted a cheery hello, all very friendly.

I suppose my issue is not with him or her, just her mere presence makes me feel so jealous and inadequate. My DP is a lovely person but also very looks orientated. I know he found me very attractive when we met (as in sure is the case in the majority of relationships!) but looks are important to him so there's a shade of that too. I suppose I need to learn to get over it.

It doesn't help that whenever there is a photo of them together there are flurries of comments about how lucky he is etc etc. It's very demoralising.

BillSykesDog Tue 17-May-16 21:31:34

I think his comments to you are a bit unpleasant to be honest, rubbing it in a bit.

I would be really upset if my DH told me that he had been out with an attractive woman and other people were checking her out. It's like he was getting off on the fact he was with her while other people were checking her out and he wants you to know this.

I wouldn't have a problem at all with my DH working with her or going for coffee or other socialising. But I wouldn't like him constantly passing comments just to underline how attractive this woman he spends time with is. There's no need for it.

BillSykesDog Tue 17-May-16 21:32:27

Is he putting up the photos too?

PersonalSpace Tue 17-May-16 21:33:56

No they go on a public work page.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Tue 17-May-16 21:34:56

Yes I think your DH's comments are unnecessary too. Would he harp on about a male colleague? Not that I'm suggesting this should give you any cause for concern - he sounds a bit starstruck if anything.

I can imagine how you might feel overshadowed, so YANBU.

Fratelli Tue 17-May-16 21:41:19

Your dp is being a bit of a dick imo. Him making comments like that is disrespectful to you I think. He's the problem, not her.

WanderingTrolley1 Tue 17-May-16 21:41:30

Your husband is a prat.

He's obviously enjoying the attention she brings - perhaps it strokes his ego.

There's absolutely no need for him to talk about her to you.

CantFeelMyFace Tue 17-May-16 21:52:21

YANBU. He's being a bit insensitive and needs to tone down his excitement. If you were hanging out with some hot guy, I bet you would avoid bragging about it at home to spare his feelings. I'm surprised the thought hasn't crossed his mind that you might find all this a bit unpleasant-you're only human. Then again, some men people don't have any common sense.

If your relationship is good, I'd just tell him how you're feeling. Gives him a chance to reassure you that he loves you and thinks you're hot grin And develop some diplomacy...

VinoTime Tue 17-May-16 22:01:24

I fail to understand how the OP's DP is a 'dick' or a 'prat' simply because he has a good relationship with a work colleague and talks openly to his partner about it hmm That's a horrible thing to say.

It doesn't sound like either the DP or this woman have done anything wrong or given the OP any cause for concern. He is merely a nice bloke who happens to work with a beautiful woman from what I can read. They get on well. That's a good thing. They'd both be miserable having to work together if they hated each other.

OP, would you feel this way if he worked with a devastatingly handsome man who he came home and talked about, because they worked well together? Or is it simply the fact that the beauty in this instance has a vagina, and that's what bothers you?

You sound like you've got a touch of the green eyed monster in you. I don't think you need any of us to tell you that it's your issue to sort out. YABVU.

If you're feeling ignored by your DP - talk to him.

If you're feeling a bit un-sexy and 'meh' about yourself and your appearance - fix it.

HootyMc0wlFace Tue 17-May-16 22:05:23

Is your husband wildly good looking or charming? Why do you think that this stunning woman would want to have an affair with him?

Universeofmaterials Tue 17-May-16 22:05:28

attraction is all about chemistry and very little to do with beauty as a thing in itself. I'd encourage you to meet her with your DH and you might realise that there is no chemistry there at all between them, or even any charisma emanating from her.

I know from experience. DH's best friend married a beautiful swimwear model and I built the constant comparisons up in my head until I met her and realised that she had good chemistry with HER DH, but to everyone else in her presence there was no magnetism/charisma.

NancyPiecrust Tue 17-May-16 22:06:51

I agree with PPs that his comments are not cool & a bit shady...I would feel annoyed by those & it probably adds to your insecurity about it. I think he's just being immature & testing you a bit though rather than it being anything untoward.
It's just rotten luck for you that he is working side by side with a bombshell & I know for a fact he would be a bit miffed if the shoe was on the other foot. Men are very territorial etc etc.
I think you are doing the right thing by not rising to his comments. He is probably testing you a bit to see how you react & whether you are jealous, in an almost subconscious way. I think the most classy & confident thing you can do is kind of what you are already doing eg when he mentions something about how a guy was checking her out or whatever just laugh and be like ".....and this interests me because...?" in a teasing way or be like "Alright love I'm not one of your mates down the pub, I'm sure that's very nice for her but I'm not really interested in hearing who was looking at X's bum today, anyway what shall we do at the weekend?" in just a very calm and jokey way ! Show him you are not as impressed as he is & it will come across as very attractive and confident on your part. Also will keep the mystery as it will make him think "Hmm why is she not jealous" !
On your end all you can do is just make yourself try and feel ok about it by thinking that LOVE wins over some pretty girl. Love is the most powerful and amazing thing & way more attractive/important/sexy than just some stranger who looks a certain way. You have years of history with him & he chose to marry you which is a pretty big deal. He probably looks at her like "jesus she's like a cartoon or something!" and looks at you and feels a sense of profound awe, respect, love & gratitude that you choose to live with him and spend your life with him, and let him spend his with you ! Doesn't even compare ! She can't compete with you not the other way around ! (not that she's trying to, probably.)

pictish Tue 17-May-16 22:08:39

I think your dp is excited about being closely associated with someone so exotic...and by that I don't mean he fancies her...but that it's a bit like letting some of the shine rub off onto him. He's in with the in crowd and it's a wee thrill for him. He's being uncool and a dick to crow to you about it though.

angielou123 Tue 17-May-16 22:11:13

I agree with universe. I bet if you did meet her, she wouldn't be as special as you're imagining. Nobody's that great. You've built her up into something she's probably not.

blondieblonde Tue 17-May-16 22:14:30

I think your DH is making or at least letting you feel a bit insecure. My DH works with a few attractive women/in exciting scenarios but he always makes an effort to not overly pal up with them, or tell me 'it was a bit boring to be honest, I wanted to get home to you' etc.

pictish Tue 17-May-16 22:27:59

I must admit I am wondering what sort of creature she must be to create such fear? I can't think of anyone I would lose sleep over the beauty of.

AgathaF Tue 17-May-16 22:33:09

I agree with others. I think he slightly gets off on being with her when other guys are looking at her etc. He's is being insensitive telling you about it. That said, perhaps you should tell him that she makes you feel a bit inadequate, and that his comments aren't helping.

It matters not a jot whether she might or might not be interested in him though, as long as he has good boundaries and keeps her at an appropriate distance. I do think that the slight mentionitis you talk about might mean that he is a bit smitten though. Hopefully not. Talk to him.

U2HasTheEdge Tue 17-May-16 22:34:24

You sound like you've got a touch of the green eyed monster in you. I don't think you need any of us to tell you that it's your issue to sort out. YABVU.

She isn't being very unreasonable. Most people have a touch of the green eyed monster in them at some point in their lives, rarely is that admitted to on MN, everyone in always super secure and logical.

OP I'm sure you have nothing to worry about and it's horrible to feel insecure thanks I have had times where I've felt insecure over things that have no logical basis to them and it's all about how I feel about myself. It's horrible but it will probably pass soon enough.

DoingTheSwanThing Tue 17-May-16 22:38:24

I'm not sure why pictures on a work page would prompt the "you're so lucky" comments - unless they're posed in such a way that they look like an item? If it wasn't for that I would anything other than he happens to work with someone who is unusually physically attractive - someone's got to be!

dasso Tue 17-May-16 22:44:02

U2 speaks common sense, ur dh is also being a Pratt by rubbing your nose in it.

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI Tue 17-May-16 23:19:43

Is your DP Phillip Schofield?

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