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not attend SIL DF funeral

(10 Posts)
meffhead Tue 17-May-16 18:57:43

I live 230 miles away from SIL we are close and speak a couple of times per week. Her DF died this week and is being cremated later this month.
AIBU to not attend the funeral.
I've met her dad a couple of times and o speak to her mum via messenger a bit. Her DF has been ill for 8 years.
Do I need to attend. He was a lovely guy. I've got 3DC 5,6&8. DC 6 is disabled and is fed via gastrostomy and when we do long journeys he has seizures. It's a week day so DH would need time off work to attend or to look after DC if just I went. If we all went we have no one to look after DC. I wanna support my DSIL but we are short on money this month, we have 4 birthdays in June and a big birthday we are going away for the weekend for!
AIBU not to go?

SouperSal Tue 17-May-16 18:59:54

I wouldn't go to any of my SIL's families' funerals.

Tiggeryoubastard Tue 17-May-16 19:03:27

No, of course you don't.

BillSykesDog Tue 17-May-16 19:06:33

In your situation I think sending flowers and a personal letter to SIL and her mother would be fine. And obviously phone calls. I think being at the end of a phone to support when needed can be just as important as attending.

bigbluebus Tue 17-May-16 19:38:27

I agree that in your situation it would be very difficult to go. Pass on your apologies and condolences, explain why you can't get there and send a card and flowers/donation in lieu if you want to. Perfectly acceptable.

I have missed funerals of closer relatives (aunts/uncles) for similar reasons to you and everyone has understood. I recently buried my DM and some family couldn't travel for various reasons, the older generation were 'represented' by some (but not all) of their offspring. Not everyone can get time off work, travel distances or get childcare.

Kittykatmacbill Tue 17-May-16 20:11:15

Gosh no nice condolence card or flower or both, depending what you can afford. Risking making your child ill, seems a bit bonkers.

quasibex Wed 18-May-16 12:37:03

Sometimes it's just not possible to attend a funeral. I had to miss a close family friend's funeral because I just couldn't get childcare so sent them a really personal sympathy card with a letter explaining why I couldn't be there but why I wished I could.

When I next saw the widow and her daughter they were almost in tears thanking me for such a thoughtful card. Showing you care doesn't always mean being there in person.

MrsJayy Wed 18-May-16 13:03:57

No send her a card and maybe flowers you dont have to attend

AdjustableWench Wed 18-May-16 13:08:24

When my DF died there were several people who wanted to come to the funeral but couldn't for various reasons. My best friend couldn't come but sent a lovely card, and it was much appreciated. My DM was so grateful to receive cards, especially when people wrote a couple of sentences about my DF and how much he'd be missed.

ProjectPerfect Wed 18-May-16 13:10:11

Personally I would go, leaving DC with your DH

Talking to someone a couple of times a week suggests you are fairly close and I think in those circumstances it is appropriate to be there as a show of support.

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