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To tell SIL to bog off?

(113 Posts)
CurvyBlonde Tue 17-May-16 16:54:16

So I'm nearly 18 weeks of with dc1 who is much longed for and already the light of our lives. Myself and DH have already agreed that we intend to do attachment parenting and that the 3 of us is all that matters. I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family.
SIL keeps making comments about how a baby shouldn't rule you, you rule it, we've declined a family holiday when DC will be around 4 months- as its 7hrs drive. For this I've been told I'm selfish and just because I've had a baby, doesn't mean they have to do what I want (I just suggested going somewhere closer to home). I've even offered to send DH and me and DC will stay home, but he doesn't want that. SIL also said that breastfeeding beyond 6m was 'wierd' and that her DD is perfect because of their parent style. After all this I got mad and told her 'we'll be parenting the way we want to, regardless of what you or the extended family think'. She's now not speaking to me. WWYD? I love extended family but our baby, our rules!

Kit2015 Tue 17-May-16 17:07:24

What do you mean by "the three of us is all that matters"?

Ultimately yes your baby your rules.

All I would say is that sometimes the best idea with listening to unwanted advice is smile and nod then do it how ever works for you .

Personally I couldn't have done a 7hr drive with DD when she was 4 months old it would of been tears all around. There also would of been no way I would of wanted DH to go.

Your SIL does sound slightly out of line with the breast feeding comments.

You don't know how you will feel after the birth you might change your mind about how you want to 'parent' 100 times before and after birth. Sometimes it's very easy to say how you will do something when you have no experience, and this can be quite annoying to hear when you have got experience.

WorraLiberty Tue 17-May-16 17:10:35

Jesus, it's going to be a very long pregnancy and early years if you're already getting into this shit now.

Just smile and nod when your SIL gives her opinion and for the sake of peace and quiet, try to withhold yours. Particularly about your intended parenting style.

LagunaBubbles Tue 17-May-16 17:15:54

All it is is different views on parenting. You bring your child up the way you and your DH wish, does it matter what others think really? Not sure what you mean about the 3 of you being all that matters, personally the more people that loved my children the better.

OurBlanche Tue 17-May-16 17:17:22

No, don't smile and keep quiet. You have a better way of shutting her up:

Look her in the eye and cry "Why are you trying to ruin this for us? Why are you deliberately shitting all over your DBs first time at being a father? Why do you hate him so much?"

Keep up that line of defence, get your DH to say the same sort of thing "Why can't you just let Curvy and I enjoy being new parents? Why do you want to spoil this for us?"

Sometimes people just love knowing more... they forget that there are human feelings attached - or they get jealous that the attention they had for their baby is now on someone else and theirs.

OurBlanche Tue 17-May-16 17:18:02

Isn't the 3 that matter, OP, her DH and the soon to be LittleCurvy?

Trashyearrings Tue 17-May-16 17:21:17

You've said it: Your baby, your rules. Sil does not have to agree with your parenting style. It's sil's opinion that her dc is perfect because of her parenting style; I'd be inclined to ask her why she gets to use her "parenting style", but you shouldn't get to use yours. She's being a bit arrogant, although she's probably well meaning.
You sound very excited about dc, so dont let rows about things that are actually quite a way off upset you, stay focused on what matters to you and dh. Get dh to speak to his sis if necessary, try to keep the peace with her and all of the family, because you don't need the stress flowers and because, as you say, you love them. There's no real reason why sil (and anyone else) shouldn't be able to respect your approach to your own dc. I have a 6mo (ebf. Still bf) and I know what people are like (pils suggested the weaning of my prem ds at 3mo). Throughout pregnancy and since emergency del I havent really discussed my intentions for parenting approach or feeding with anyone because I know that people love to put their two cents in. I take on board advice that i find useful (its my second) and just nod and smile politely about the rest.
With regards to you declining the holiday, that's your decision; if you don't feel that you'll want to do that journey with a 4mo then you've done the right thing. Better to decline now than to accept and get everyone's hopes up before pulling out in 9 months time.

Lymmmummy Tue 17-May-16 17:21:23

Sounds like she is resenting not being centre of attrition and all round decision maker

If she is that bothered to go the place 7 hours away why can't she go on her own or without you? And what business is it of hers how long you breastfeed.

Best get a grip on this and take an approach on how to deal with her as people like her can become an on-going pita and are better off cut off before they start

Lymmmummy Tue 17-May-16 17:21:45

*meant centre of attention

lornathewizzard Tue 17-May-16 17:22:03

SiL does sound likes she's being a pita already, but also don't underestimate the love and help extended family will bring. You seem to be on the defensive already.

Gazelda Tue 17-May-16 17:23:19

She's not speaking to you, which makes it easy.

You and DH can bring your baby up in whatever way works best for you. People are entitled to their opinions, and you are entitled to ignore them.

All I will say though, is remain flexible. You may (or may not) want to change your methods, or adapt to how your baby best responds. Don't be determined to do it one way, be open to trying other strategies.

whattheseithakasmean Tue 17-May-16 17:24:18

I wouldn't be too quick to discount the value of extended family support. There is a reason they say it takes a village to raise child, I wouldn't be too quick to burn bridges for the sake of what is, at the moment, a hypothetical view on how you wil parent.

AugustaFinkNottle Tue 17-May-16 17:24:52

It seems to me that not wanting to do a 7 hour journey with a small baby has nothing to do with attachment parenting or being ruled by the baby, it's simply common sense. Why would any sane parent put themselves through that if it's avoidable?

bigbuttons Tue 17-May-16 17:25:14

Yes of course it's your rules. However, extended family is also very important in 'bringing up' a child. We have sadly become very insular in this respect. There are many cultures round the world where a child is brought up by extended family and the community around it.

RatherBeRiding Tue 17-May-16 17:25:34

Extended family can be a god-send. It can also be a right royal PITA.

No need to put up with bullshit just because it's coming from extended family.

Equally it sounds as though SIL might be looking to wind you up for whatever reason. Best way to handle this is to smile, nod, change the subject and generally ignore.

BerylStreep Tue 17-May-16 17:28:47

Just do it the way if feels right to you all at the time. No need to get into discussions with other people about your decisions, especially in advance.

It could be that your SIL feels that your fixed ideas about how you are going to do things are 1. Naive, or 2. a criticism of how she raised her DC, or both.

Better to keep your own counsel on this.

In terms of the holiday, it is just easier to say it's too early to commit at this stage as you don't know how things will pan out - It's a year away before the baby will be 4 months!

Ilovetoast12 Tue 17-May-16 17:29:47

You and your DH decide how to bring up your baby, nobody else.

I think you were absolutely correct with your response to SIL.

PatriciaHolm Tue 17-May-16 17:30:14

Maybe you should have the baby first before you start getting into ridiculous arguments about how you may or may not bring it up!

Attachment parenting is entirely compatible with having some help from relatives, and nothing to do with not wanting to do long journeys with a small baby. The two issues aren't related. It's entirely up to you whether you do the journey, and not worth getting into some overblown argument with SIL about it, honestly.

CurvyBlonde Tue 17-May-16 17:32:40

Thank you everyone, I feel awful because SIL has always been lovely, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant the advise has been coming thick and fast. She is used to planning everything for the extended family and sees my reluctance to change the holiday plans as my rebelling against her - much like my 'style' being at odds with hers. I know that the way we parent will not be fixed but I've always loved the idea of attachment parenting but I'm already dreading family visits where comments are made. MIL has already scoffed at BF all together 'all mine were bottle fed by a nurse when I had them' type attitude. I hate that it's all stressing me out already :/

HanYOLO Tue 17-May-16 17:35:05

Of course you should approach parenting however you wish to. Attachment-ish parenting worked for us, and that stuff about BF and "ruling" the baby would piss me off too.

But you'll need to thicken your skin.

Big HOWEVER. I definitely wouldn't go round saying "our baby, our rules" to anyone though, especially when I hadn't yet had said child and have no sense of what will actually work for you in practice. I suspect that the way you have been talking about how you plan to parent your unborn child has appeared to SIL like a criticism of her own style, which is at least as valid as yours, and appears to be right for her and her family.

WorraLiberty Tue 17-May-16 17:35:44

Well take a step back and stop letting it stress you out.

One thing you learn early doors as a parent, is that a lot of other parents take other people doing things differently, as a personal judgement of how they do things.

Just chill and see what happens when the baby comes along.

ollieplimsoles Tue 17-May-16 17:36:30

loling at parenting 'style'

yanbu op but have the baby first and see what happens! The woman next door wanted to do 'attachment' parenting, and she bought a very expensive sling so she could 'wear' her ds. Her son HATES the sling with a passion, he fights and thrashes and she only has 30 mins tops when she takes him out anywhere- but she will not buy a pram, because its not 'attachment parenting'

I co-sleep, feed 7 month old dd on demand and I haven't been away from her for more than an hour since she was born, but if she didnt like something I was doing I wouldn't force it!

Try not to stick by 'rules' so ridigly. You are already an amazing parent.

What 'style' is your sil using may I ask?

BerylStreep Tue 17-May-16 17:37:46

I hesitate in saying this, as I mean it nicely, but you may be especially sensitive to this if you are a bit hormonal.

<reflects back on own pregnancies - cringes>

ollieplimsoles Tue 17-May-16 17:38:22

x post, just seen this:

MIL has already scoffed at BF

You might what to have a look at the allowing visitors straight after birth thread. Breastfeeding takes a calm mind and confidence. You do NOT want people around you who are going to spoil it, so until she wises up or learns to keep her mouth shut you may need to hold off on her visit, for yours and the baby's sake...

savasanaaa Tue 17-May-16 17:39:57

Attachment parenting works really well for us so good choice in my opinion & definitely you're right that it's your baby your rules buuuuuut I would say hold off on any big parenting statements (eg about how long you'll bf for) because you really never never know how you'll feel til DC is there & there's no point in getting into big arguments about things which haven't happened yet & might not ever happen.

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