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To think actually what she did was not ok

(324 Posts)
TryNOTTOworry1 Tue 17-May-16 09:41:16

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.


BitchPeas Tue 17-May-16 09:44:40

Hmmm. I have no experience of this so feel free to ignore me.

But I think you're being harsh in giving her a wide berth. Why could you just not say 'please don't use that word I find it offensive' she'll almost definitely be mortified and won't ever use it again. She was describing her own sons behaviour she wasn't using it to insult anyone. I think you should give her a break and be kind.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Tue 17-May-16 09:45:36

The entire group is ostracising a mother of a sn child for using a questionable word? hmm
No she shouldn't use it but not everyone is aware, she probably didn't mean anything by it. Your behaviour on the other hand is calculating and bitchy.
You and the rest come off worse if we're judging.

Dvallin Tue 17-May-16 09:46:34

Do you really think what she said was worse than the way you are all excluding her now?

Scarydinosaurs Tue 17-May-16 09:46:52

I think everyone slips up and uses words that even though we know are now offensive, have been used in the past without problem.

Sometimes when people are nervous they use words they wouldn't normally out of anxiety or stress.

She used it once, she hasn't used it frequently- YABU.

treaclesoda Tue 17-May-16 09:47:03

She shouldn't have used it, but for goodness sake, you're adults, couldn't one of you have said 'I'd rather you didn't use that word' instead of turning your backs on her like schoolchildren. She probably feels isolated enough if she is struggling with her child.

Mangetoutisdelicious Tue 17-May-16 09:47:42

For wider context, was this Mum brought up in the UK?

UmbongoUnchained Tue 17-May-16 09:48:24

Yabu it probably just slipped out. Who do you think you are policing what they people say?
It's only on mumsnet that people get this upset about words. Don't know anyone in real life who would actually ostracise someone for that.

Samcro Tue 17-May-16 09:48:31

ffs you should have just pulled her up on it. she was very wrong to use that word, \but probably realises that.
give the woman a break ( i say that as a parent of a child with cp and hate that use of that word)

TryNOTTOworry1 Tue 17-May-16 09:49:13

I just think it's a horrible word, she was calling her dc spastic she was saying he will go spastic.

You could tell she wanted to ground to swallow her up but it was not a nice word.

She's always joking and making sarcastic jokes which are usually quite funny but this was said as a one off but it wasn't very good tbh.

Fedup21 Tue 17-May-16 09:49:57

You are coming off far worse in this situation than her, in afraid...

ABCAlwaysBeCunting Tue 17-May-16 09:50:00

Fucking hell. Let's all ostracise one person for saying something we didn't like rather than suggesting to her that people may find it offensive. Childish, much?

Thornrose Tue 17-May-16 09:50:16

I think you should've given her a chance by explaining that word is inappropriate. If she then continued to use it or got annoyed or whatever then you could avoid her.

I think you've been overly harsh to be honest. Imagine her confusion if she genuinely has no idea why she's being ostracised?

TryNOTTOworry1 Tue 17-May-16 09:50:24

Yes uk and she was brought up here and abroad.

ArmySal Tue 17-May-16 09:50:30

YABU cold shouldering her, for sure.

Littleballerina Tue 17-May-16 09:50:57

I have an autistic child and my jaw would hit the floor..... but I'd have to say something. Even 'could you not use that word, I find it shocking and offensive'.
I wouldn't blank her but I would pull her up on it.

TellAStory Tue 17-May-16 09:51:00

Cut the woman some slack! Yes she used an inappropriate term BUT she was opening up about her dc and being unable to cope. She came for support and is now being given a wide birth by most - I think that is far worse than her using the term spastic, all that was needed was to mention that is a term that is not acceptable in the group and to move on.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 17-May-16 09:51:10

Well aren't you a nice supportive bunch. Shall we help this woman learn? Nah lets just completely cut off her and her kids for one ignorant slip up.

Puffinsrock Tue 17-May-16 09:51:42


Samcro Tue 17-May-16 09:51:49

ahh so she used to the term more than once, in that case I would find it impossible to speak to her.

BertPuttocks Tue 17-May-16 09:51:57

I hate that word but really feel for the woman in the OP.

She's already limited in what she can do, due to having a child with SN. She goes to a group for parents who might be able to understand what she is going through and is effectively ostracised.

Sounds like a lovely group. hmm

PaulAnkaTheDog Tue 17-May-16 09:52:01

Poor woman. Slipped up and said something she shouldn't, was immediately mortified and is now ostracised by a group of women she probably leaned on for support. She made a mistake but you're behaving like bitchy teenagers, it's not nice.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 17-May-16 09:52:02

I would give her a second chance. From your op it sounds like you've collectively ganged up on her.

silverpenny Tue 17-May-16 09:52:09

great support for parents in your group hey....

Thornrose Tue 17-May-16 09:52:53

I have a very dark/gallows sense of humour after 16 years of parenting an autistic child!

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