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To give the baby my MILS name as 2nd name in this case?

(89 Posts)
NinaNeener Tue 17-May-16 09:25:00

My MILS is a nice woman. Always been easy. No demands. Never had any PA emotional manipulation. She'd really never given me any trouble prior to the events of the last couple of years and I wonder if I am being unreasonable about those anyway.

My parents both died in the last 2 yrs. Cancer. So have been having treatment for years before. She was always incredibly sympathetic though clearly knew little about the reality of it. She would compare their aches and pains to her bad knee etc. I was bemused. So I would tell her, in frank detail how different it was. Her reaction was always shocked and sympathetic and very kind. And she would backtrack on the knee thing. Until the next visit when she would say it again! I thought it was funny - an effort to empathise from someone who had never known sickness. Which it probably was!

So I loved her, I thought how lucky I was. I knew she was fond of me and thought her son had struck lucky. I felt very valued.

So anyway my mum died. None of his family came to the funeral. But at the time it seemed reasonable, we live 2 hrs away so they would have had to take a day off work etc. They have kids etc. I can't remember why she didn't come but there was some plausible reason. Wasn't thinking about it much. My griefstricken Dad was very unwell at the time, I had a toddler, I was keeping my head above water.

And when I visited her not long after she was all consideration and kindness asking about him.

But then Dad died. And something felt different. None of them came to the funeral. My DH got angry first. Really angry. Various excuses from them which were very thin, tbh.

I realised none were coming, or had come before simply because they felt uncomfortable with death. Which felt shit, as FIL has been dead for years so they went through all this themselves!

I especially realised when I went to visit them some time later (me & DH were both still feeling pretty offended but we have a toddler everyone wanted to see) & my folks weren't mentioned ONCE.

Clearly everyone felt too awkward! Let's all play a game called Nothing Happened To Nina or her DH!

DH has made a couple of barbed remarks but since they are the most PA family in the world, everyone just pretended they didn't get it and went on like tra lalalala!

Since then we visit more rarely. When we do it is as always, she is pleasant, considerate, kind and the perfect host. She doesn't pry or interfere.

And she has never once mentioned my parents.

So now I am expecting a girl. Do I give her my baby's 2nd name? She would love it. And she is the only grandparent my child will ever have, and will be a nice one.

Or do I honour my Mum? Who frankly is dead, and therefore has no opinion! And I doubt she's give much of a shit tbh. She'd say "it's up to you entirely". And would mean it. And so part of me thinks it's better to honour the living than the dead.

I am conflicted because I (actually we) felt so unsupported during that time. But is that reasonable enough? Is that childish?

BarbarianMum Tue 17-May-16 09:31:31

I should do whatever makes you least stressed and most happy. Be that using 1 name, both or none.

TellAStory Tue 17-May-16 09:34:49

You don't have to give your daughter the middle name of either grandparent!

If you do be mindful that if you name after MIL and the relationship changes in years to come you may really regret it. Using your mothers name in her memory is safer given that nothing can happen to change how you feel about your mum.

Your daughters name will not change her relationship with her GM .

NinaNeener Tue 17-May-16 09:38:02

My DH for the record doesn't care in the slightest. He has become cynical about his family now. He has pointed out that he went through it all too (he was exeptionally close to my folks) and he got no comfort from them. So he certainly doesn't expect it and has actually suggested using some random name.

But no. If I felt that strongly about not using MILS name I'd use Mum's.

PrimalLass Tue 17-May-16 09:38:28

I'd give her your mum's name for you.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Tue 17-May-16 09:38:36

My dd1 has mil name as her middle name, she died just before I found out I was pregnant so it felt right to honour her. My mum understood that. You don't have to use a family name though, you could just pick a name you love or no middle name at all. (Only 1 of my other dcs has a middle name as dh registered the birth and gave her my name as a middle name)

Spermysextowel Tue 17-May-16 09:38:56

You could use both but I'd go with what you think your daughter would be happy to live with. My grandmothers were called Ida & Melba & I'm glad I didn't get either of those.

Barmaid101 Tue 17-May-16 09:40:38

My dd has both our mums names in, our mums both died when we were children.

To be honest in your situation I would choose your mums name, even though your dd won't have met her, her memory will live on through you. My daughter knows about my mum, I know about my mum from my dad as I was really little. We do the race for life each year and discuss why we do it etc.
If your mil couldn't support you at a difficult time, in the future with any difficult times would she support you or would you end up unsupported and feeling resentful that your dd is names after her

NinaNeener Tue 17-May-16 09:43:19

To add a deeply shallow note, my Mum's name is bloody old fashioned and I doubt any kid would thank me for it!

MILS name is traditional but OK (think similar to Ann) so is a bit easier to saddle a kid with.

But I'm getting tangled up in these details! I'm over thinking it so much and truthfully I really don't have emotional feelings about it. Especially as Mum doesn't care too much. It would be simpler if I did!

So am trying to make a dispassionate decision. But the funeral stuff.....

Which is why I'm asking you guys! grin

Stardust160 Tue 17-May-16 09:46:34

All my children are named after GPs my DS after my dad then DD came to make it fair we named after his mum. My last DC would of took either my DM or FIL depending on the sex, it was a boy in the end. My mum was slightly upset but I explained it was pot luck and I rather have my DC a middle name with meaning than one made up. It's your choice entirely but if it was me I would of picked my Mam who pasted away. My SIL named my niece after her grandma who died so there's no rules

Jenijena Tue 17-May-16 09:46:54

do you like either name? Do you have to give a family name for a middle name? Both my children have names which are in the family - but only because I like them!

Stardust160 Tue 17-May-16 09:47:15

People don't tend to use there middle names either to be honest

NinaNeener Tue 17-May-16 09:52:46

jenijena I like my MILs name OK. Not keen on my Mum's name tbh. But it's just a name, for all I know my daughter could dig it. I can't see it making a comeback so there could be a bit of novelty factor, I dunno.

I gave my son his FILs name but he was the only person dead at the time and so it was easy. And his name was simple and he was a very nice man. It was as much for my DH tbh as anything as DH misses him a lot still.

cees Tue 17-May-16 09:55:06

Just pick a name you like, you seem to be worrying over a none issue. Plenty of lovely names to choose from without putting unnecessary stress on yourself to pick a parents name.

Gazelda Tue 17-May-16 09:56:20

Gah! just wrote a long post and then lost it.

I gave my DD my deceased DM's name as a middle name. Partly to honour my DM, and party to give my DD a connection to a GM she'd never meet.

Pick a name that you and DH agree to. There is no need to justify your choice to anyone.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 17-May-16 09:56:40

It sounds like you have had a tough time with losing both your parents in such a short space of time. I personally would expect IL to attend a funeral from my family. When my nana passed we just had our direct family there. Maybe they are a family similar to mine where they felt it was your place to grieve? Were they very close with your parents? I reckon they never mentioned your parents because they don't want to upset you. I wouldn't think it was PA. im only saying all this in case it's hard to see it from the other side when you're in it and it might help with your relationship.

Name wise, I would go with what you prefer. I'm not a big one for giving people's names to kids but understand if that's what you want to do. If you think your mum wouldn't be fussed and prefer the other name then maybe you've got your answer there already.

NinaNeener Tue 17-May-16 09:57:55

Barmaid I now expect zero from her except pleasant small talk. I was very angry for a while but worked through it. I thought I was like a daughter to her - it was bruising to realise I was wrong.

But it wasn't meant maliciously.

PerspicaciaTick Tue 17-May-16 09:58:28

I think you should choose a name you like. I would be wary about using a name which may be burdened with unpleasant associations in years to come.
How about a feminine version of your DF's name? Then you are recalling both fathers and can sidestep the whole "pick a mother to honour" thing.

EvaTheOptimist Tue 17-May-16 09:58:40

Listen - there is no rule or convention that says you have to give a grandparents name as the middle name. Forget MILs name - you only like it "OK". Find a middle name that you LOVE.

5BlueHydrangea Tue 17-May-16 09:58:46

My dd has my Mums name as a middle name (Mum still alive and incredibly close to dd now), and MIL's name as a second middle name (died before we had dd). This way they are both honoured but I am obviously closer to my Mum than I ever was to DH's Mum so seemed right to put hers first.
I do like both names though which helps.

ricketytickety Tue 17-May-16 10:02:14

Give her a middle name you really like and reach out to your mil in a different way. You sound justifiably sad at her not connecting with you when you lost your parents. Some people just don't deal with death very well and will avoid the conversation at all costs. It has little to do with how much they care. They could care a great deal and find it just too much to cope with. It's possible it feels too upsetting for her to talk to you about it or she feels ill equipped to help you and thinks she would do more damage than good discussing it with you.

StrictlyMumDancing Tue 17-May-16 10:03:31

You say you're not sure about your mum's name but could you do a shortening of it that you may prefer?

Like Doris to Doll or Elizabeth to Beth I totally didn't struggle after the Doris example at all blush

It may not be what your mum was known as but it would still be a tribute.

FWIW I'm named after my still alive MGM they (DPs) think. I say think because my name is anglicised whereas MGM's is normally pronounced differently. So DPs say I'm named in her honour if not directly after her.

Samcro Tue 17-May-16 10:04:46

i had a brilliant MIL. but I gave my girl my long deads DM name as her middle name

exLtEveDallas Tue 17-May-16 10:05:48

You could even go for both.

I have a double barrelled first name, a middle name and surname. My name (for example) is Sarah-Jayne Elizabeth Smith.

Sarah is me. Jayne is my Mums mum. Elizabeth is Dads Mum.

Hardly anyone calls me Sarah-Jayne, only really my mum. But her MIL was kept 'happy' having a connection to me.

MiddleClassProblem Tue 17-May-16 10:07:02

It's also possible that being the only one left it reminds her of her own mortality or as pp she just isn't confident or comfortable with what to say. None of this is your responsibility to feel for her or anything, just maybe an outside perspective. I doubt your parents passing has changed how she feels about you.

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