Redressing the balance between GPs - more of a WWYD?

[YumBountyChoc]

I'm not really sure what to do about this situation so want some advise. Sorry for the mammoth post.

I'm 24, have a 10.5month old DD and I'm recently married. I freely admit I did things like having a baby a young, but I'm happy with my life and I love it.

Mum feels my PILs are favoured over her with regards to spending time with my DD. I try not to do this but unfortunately due to circumstances it's happened. DH works 4 days a week, usually Wednesday-Saturday but occasionally Monday-Thursday, 11am-7pm which means he spends very little time with our DD during the latter half of the week. My mum works Monday-Friday 5am-5pm and MIL works Sunday-Tuesday 7am – 12noon and then Thursday and Friday 12noon-5pm. This is all relevant. Sunday is family day that me, DH and DD spend together as it's Hs only guarenteed day off – I do not arrange anything with anyone for this day unless it's a special day e.g mothers day or it is a birthday.

I try and spend time with my mum and DD every other Saturday but this can be difficult. My mum spends both weekend days with my elderly granddad and this means we can't really do things together as there's not room for my granddads mobility scooter and DD's pushchair in the car – as said above DD can't crawl or walk yet so can't leave the pushchair behind as she's too heavy to carry everywhere. My mum won't not go out with my granddad and if we stay home we have to go to my granddads tiny one bed flat, which is cramped so I don't stay long. My brother has mental health problems and too many people in his house at once triggers his anxiety so my mum doesn't invite me there often. My 2 aunts live nearby and are happy to help with my granddad whenever he needs it, so I suggested to my mum about having one Saturday a month just me her and DD, my granddad was not offended by this and perfectly happy to go to my aunts houses or see one of my cousins on that day but my mum said no. I do see my granddad once a fortnight alone when I take him for a coffee or for lunch so it's not like I don't want to see him or spend time with him, I do, I just wish I could have some time with my mum alone.

I'm currently job hunting, and as MIL is off on Wednesdays she's offered to have DD every week so that I can apply for as many jobs as I can without distraction, it also gives me a bit of break. On Monday or Tueasday if H is off he'll take DD round to his mum in the afternoon for an hour or so this is usually once every 2-3 weeks, so in a fortnight MIL will see DD a couple of times while my mum will only see her once. My mum says this is unfair, but I don't know how to redress the balance. I pay MIL to have DD on Wednesdays despite her wanting to do it for free as I do feel it's not fair of my mum who can't offer the same. I can't take DD round to my mum in the week due to her work schedule as by the time she's home from work it's 6pm and I'm starting bedtime with DD at 6.30pm (she's in bed and asleep by 7), so unless I was to only spend about 10minutes with her (25minute bus journey each way to my mums) then I can't really go round.

So should I stop the Wednesdays with MIL? If I get a job they'll likely stop anyway as the nursery I want her to go to has places for Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday only.

WWYD?

[YumBountyChoc]

*above should be in previous threads.

[Lovewineandchocs]

I wouldn't stop the Wednesdays! No way! A baby isn't a commodity to be equally shared at all times and your Mum needs to understand that. It's due to circumstances and practicalities that your Mum sees your DD less, not a deliberate favouritism towards your MIL. Your Mum is also refusing the extra Saturday even though your Grandad is ok about it-so maybe she just likes to whinge?

[CocktailQueen]

Your mum is being awkward here. You've offered to see her at weekends but she won't leave your grandad, even though he's happy, and aunts could look after him? Why's that? What's she thinking?

And does she really work 5-5 mon to fro? 60 hours? She must be knackered. Plus looking after her dad every weekend? Blimey.

I'm not sure what else you can do, apart from talk to her about why she doesn't want to leave grandad with an aunt and see you and dd then.

[YumBountyChoc]

cocktailqueen yeah she's always tired, due to the work, but as my brother doesn't work or claim any benefits she has to do so to pay bills and eat.

[YumBountyChoc]

I'm not sure why she won't leave my granddad for one weekend, maybe she's worried people won't think she's doing enough, despite working such long hours during the week.

[RubbleBubble00]

Your mums being awkward. 5am-5pm is long work day and rules out any interaction during the wk - no ones fault it's her job. That only leaves sat so if she won't be flexible there's nothing u can do.

Fil is retired some see him a couple of times a wk but mil works so might see her for an hour on a sat and she doesn't moan

[Tryingtostayyoung]

I understand why she's upset at the thought of not spending enough time with DD but no you shouldn't stop Wednesday's as it its my anyone's fault and there's no reason for them to miss out. Just a thought, could your mum once a fortnight stop in at yours after work and stay for an hour or so to see DD before she heads home? I know she has a long day but if she's that upset then that could be an option.

[YumBountyChoc]

Tryingtostayyoung she'd have to drive passed her house to get to my flat, although I have offered this option a few times; she could help with bath and bedtime, then head home, but she always says she'll think about it then never does come over.

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Op I really hate to say this but do you think this is a case of she doesn't actually want to make much effort or change her routine but doesn't want DD to see your MIL more? If that's the case then unfortunately your not going to be able to do anything to change it I'm afraid but I still don't think you should stop the Wednesday's because I don't think that's fair.

[Mangetoutisdelicious]

You sound very thoughtful and considerate OP.
You've given lots of options, but your Mum's working pattern is really difficult to work around. It sounds as if you feeling under pressure to give up Sundays to accommodate your Mum; unreasonable IMO

[Nanunanu]

Your mum is being unreasonable. I can't have her so no one else can type thing.

Don't stop Wednesdays. Continue to offer Saturdays. Her choice top take it up or not. She is currently choosing not.

Oh and your db is being unreasonable by not bringing in any income through benefits or work.

[leelu66]

YANBU. You have tried to do your best by everyone. Don't stop the Wednesdays.

Why doesn't your mum want your aunts to visit your grandad one Saturday a month?

[leelu66]

Sorry, just saw your post.

She has to let go of feelings of guilt and accept help sometimes.

It will be a nice change for your grandad too.

[fedupofpeppa]

I think you have offered solutions and she hasn't taken them. It's not favouritism that your mil can do mid week and your dd can't. My PIL live far away so we see them less than my parents. That's just the way it is.

Is she suggesting you spend time on Sundays with her? Why can't she see her dad on Sundays instead leaving Saturday free? Your reasons for having Sunday as family day are completely valid so don't be bullied.

Do you think she is genuinely upset about not seeing you and your child or complaining about the fairness of the situation ?

[Walkacrossthesand]

Has your mum got any suggestions for when she can see her DGD? Or is she just jealous that MIL sees her on Wednesdays? Your DM, whether she realises it or not, is making choices here, and it's those choices which are resulting in MIL seeing more of DGD. Only your DM can do anything to change that - you shouldn't turn down an arrangement which works perfectly well for you, if your DM isn't going to prioritise seeing her DGD.

[YumBountyChoc]

No suggestions, she just wants to see DD as much as MIL does.

I do think she's a little jealous of PILs, FIL works a good job which covers their mortgage, bills, food and any vets bills for their dogs so MIL works because she wants to and I'm sure my mum feels ots unfair that she doesn't have the option to do that.

I do feel pressured to give up my Sunday's to keep Mum happy but H says he won't let that happen as its not fair on him or DD.

Going to speak to her again I think and say that she either excepts my offer to come round 1-2 evenings a week and see us one Saturday a month or she doesn't see us at and stops moaning unless she can come up with another solution which everyone including MIL and DH are happy with.

As for my brother, well my mums never been a strict parent and never told us what to do which is too her detriment now as if my brother claimed benefits or worked she's be able to cut her working days down by 1-2 and possibly see DD and I more.

[CocktailQueen]

So your mum needs to set boundaries with her own life re her dad and your brother. The she would have a better work-life balance.

But shj needs to do this; you can't do it for her.

How old is your brother?

[YumBountyChoc]

Brother is 22, not worked since finishing university last year.

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but it sounds like your mum might enjoy (probably subconsciously) being a martyr in some aspects of her life.

I think you just have to lay it down for her and tell her she's the one being awkward not you and she can either make an effort or stop moaning.

[minipie]

A baby isn't a commodity to be equally shared at all times and your Mum needs to understand that. It's due to circumstances and practicalities that your Mum sees your DD less, not a deliberate favouritism towards your MIL.

Yep agree with this, also that you've offered all the possible options and your mum has rejected them so what does she expect? As you suggest, I think you should say that either she comes up with a workable suggestion (which is NOT less time with MIL!) or she stops guilt tripping you.

[Janecc]

Yes this smacks of the martyr to me too:
A) she insists on sole care of grandfather on Saturday even though she has a viable alternative.
B) she works all hours possible to feed/clothe/meet grown up sons needs.
C) has no expectations of her son with regard to working/claiming benefit/doing some kind of training.
D) expects magically to have the same amount of time with your DD as those, with more balanced lives then accuses you of being unreasonable when she is doing so much and you should just give up your Sunday's - job done.

No please don't reduce contact with mil - extended family and grandparents can be such a blessing and good for a child's emotional wellbeing. If mil is a fab grandma, this would be such a shame. Your mother doesn't get to write the rules. It's your time now and time for her to move over and leave you to follow your path. You're grown up now.

Just as a question. Would you consider going to your mother's house some Saturday's and if she picked your grandfather up and took him over there as well so that you are all together?

As far as I'm concerned, contact with a grandparent is not a right but a privilege. And as someone else mentioned, she's not a commodity.

[bimbobaggins]

Your mother is being ridiculous. You have offered alternatives which she doesn't want to do so just leave it up to her to come to you with a different time.

If she was really desperate she could pop in one night even if it means driving past own house.

[YumBountyChoc]

Janecc I absolutely agree with you that grandparents can be a blessing and good for a child. I adore my granddad, love spending time with him and that's because he made the effort when I was child to make time for me. MIL is fantastic with DD, sticks to my rules, follows a similar routine and still manages to spoil her rotten despite me having rules on the amount of sugar she can give her. DD loves going to MILs, she gets very happy as soon as we step onto the road she lives on.

I already go to my granddads on a Saturday, but my mum won't let me, DD and my granddad all be at hers at the same time due to my brothers mental health and him apparently not being able to cope with more than a couple of people in his house at a time (even though he has a bedroom, which no-one ever goes in except him). But my granddads house is small (1 bed flat) so it's cramped. I can't drive myself due to medical issues, but do offer to meet Mum places that I can get to on the bus or train but she never wants to go there (awkward again) so I either have to not see her on a Saturday she's taking my granddad out because there isn't room for his mobility scooter and the pushchair in the car or I have to go to my granddads.

I don't really see what more I can do, I'm trying to find a solution that doesn't punish my lovely MIL for something out of her control.

[Janecc]

Honey. You're fretting over things, over which you have no control. This is all on your mother. It really is time to separate your mother's jealousy over your mil seeing your DD more than her from the general mother issue. The two have no bearing and she's using this to create guilt and confuse you. Stand firm with your mother. She is acting like a 3 year old.

Yes, you were right when you said 12.22: "Going to speak to her again...." That's what you need to follow through. Stand firm. She sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies I'm afraid. There's lots online about it.

From what you are saying, it sounds as if she had few expectations of you and your brother growing up. If this is true, I think she may have gaps in her knowledge of the role a mother should be playing both when her children were growing up and now.

Mental health issues can be difficult and as an outsider looking in it does appear that your mother is favouring your brother over you. Not because you cannot go over on Saturdays because of your brother but because she seems to have all the expectations on you and none on him.

[YumBountyChoc]

Janecc I know all about Narcs, my dad was one and that's one of the reasons I don't speak to him.

Will speak to her again over the weekend and see what happens, but can't see this situation changing. DH has said I should also stop paying MIL for Wednesdays as she doesn't need the money and has told both DH and I that she's putting it into a bank account for DD anyway.

Will come back and update when I've spoken to my mum