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To not want ExH to stay for the Weekend IN MY HOUSE!!!

(76 Posts)
HappyFatty Mon 16-May-16 19:44:32

So until recently I have driven 200m round trip to drop off DC's to My ExH so that they can see him because he doesn't drive. He paid petrol money. I now can't make the trip due to surgery. I have advised ExH of this with plenty of notice. He has now asked if he can sleep on DC's floor on his weekends. I have asked him to get the train and he says that IBU. Our divorce was over 10 years ago but it wasn't the friendliest. Oldest DC's not fussed about seeing him as he lets the youngest get away with murder and tells the others off for upsetting him, making them miserable all weekend. So AIBU to ask him to get the train?

houseeveryweekend Mon 16-May-16 19:53:07

YANBU Sleeping on DCs floor is innapropriate, its confusing for your children. Could he not stay in a B&B or AirBNB? Can you put money towards the train fare? I think that usually ex partners are supposed to share the cost of taking the kids to see each other if they live a long distance apart.

OurBlanche Mon 16-May-16 19:54:05

You wouldn't BU to him if you demanded that every time...

As it is just tell him to back off he is not welcome to crash in your home, he is BVVU to ask and then to persist. Tell him to rent a room, deal with it like a grown up!

houseeveryweekend Mon 16-May-16 19:55:18

Or can your DCs not get the train to his by themselves? If its a direct journey and he met them at the station that should be fine surely? x

DuckAndPancakes Mon 16-May-16 19:56:26

No no no no.

Your home is not the place for your ex husband to be sleeping.

What about letting him have DCs for extended period over the half term (getting trains there and back?) Does he not have anybody else that can help him out with this?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 16-May-16 19:57:21

I am confused. What part of him getting the train could be unreasonable?

TheWiseOldFairy Mon 16-May-16 20:01:24

The fact that you go out of your way (quite literally) to facilitate contact between your ex and your DCs does you credit OP. I personally wouldn't agree to driving 200 miles every contact weekend. More to the point, no judge would order you to do so either. Usual arrangements are to either meet halfway or to each do the full journey every other time.

He has been extraordinarily lucky that you have been prepared to do this. Now that you are no longer able to, YA absolutely NBU to suggest he gets public transport. Or he could shell out for a Travelodge. Whatever you do, don't agree to him kipping on your floor. Let him sort himself out for once.

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 20:01:32

I don't understand what you mean about him getting the train. Do you mean he should get a day return?

HappyFatty Mon 16-May-16 20:09:14

Thanks for the replies. The DC's are 11 (twins) and 10, so not old enough for the train. I have always bailed him out, and he tells me how he misses the DC's, how much he loves them so I always made the effort for him. He got the home I was paying the mortgage for repossessed because he took out a 2nd mortgage to pay for a gambling debt to an unsavoury sort and didn't tell me. This was the last straw. The DC's were, I'm ashamed to say Elastoplast babies, I thought the responsibility would make him the man I thought he was when we got married (after just 6 months I was only 18 ... ) I stuck it out for 7 years spiralling further into debt due to his 'little hobby' Ooof sorry a bit of a rant there. I'm just shock at him even thinking it would be OK! I fully expect him to not answer my 'no sorry' text and turn up anyway TBH.

HappyFatty Mon 16-May-16 20:11:39

imperial he'd have to get an open return for himself and an open return for himself and the DC's. It's what my folks do when they collect the DC's for holidays with them and they live the other end of the country hmm

marriednotdead Mon 16-May-16 20:13:44

Not 'no, sorry'. Too pleasant and to his mind probably ambiguous/flexible.

No way.
Hell no!
Are you on glue?

You get my drift grin

wallybantersjunkbox Mon 16-May-16 20:14:09

He takes the train and finds a local B&B - or he takes them alternate weekends.

You don't need this stress on top of an impending operation.

Do you have help if he says no and you need to recuperate?

HappyFatty Mon 16-May-16 20:14:14

It's actually 200m round trip twice fairy as I used to drop and return Friday and collect and return Sunday.

HappyFatty Mon 16-May-16 20:18:47

My Folks have rented a flat local to DC's school for 6 months (they live in a caravan so they're letting it through to site to pay for it - they're not loaded before you ask!) so they'll be doing School runs etc. They don't drive either though so they can't make the trip, not even sure they would after what ExH put me through TBH. So lots of support, just this shite to deal with.

BeckyMcDonald Mon 16-May-16 20:22:29

Has he made any effort to learn to drive whatsoever in the ten years since you split up?

Moonlightceleste Mon 16-May-16 20:22:43

So he wants to come and stay with you after you've had surgery? Hell no. Can you do two weekends in a row once you've recovered to compensate/longer period over the summer?

decisionsdecisions123 Mon 16-May-16 20:23:42

I cant see why it would be inappropriate and confusing for children to have their dad sleep on their bedroom floor for a night as a previous poster suggested. He isn't a random stranger.

Would a train journey not take a very long time?

gunsandbanjos Mon 16-May-16 20:23:52

No you're not being unreasonable, I wouldn't want my ex kipping in my house!

TheWiseOldFairy Mon 16-May-16 20:26:39

Stand firm. 'Nothat doesn't work for me' is fine. If he turns up expecting to stay anyway then he'll be out of luck won't he?

What about you keeping the kids while you recuperate (if you're able to do that?) and him having them them for an extra week in the summer holidays?

TheWiseOldFairy Mon 16-May-16 20:29:36

Would a train journey not take a very long time?

Well yes it probably would. It probably takes the OP a long time to drive 200 miles on a Friday and do the same journey again on a Sunday. But she's not complaining about it.

It is inappropriate for him to stay because the OP doesn't want him to. She'll just have had surgery, undoubtedly feeling a bit wobbly. The last thing, and I mean the very last, anyone wants under those circumstances is to have to put their ex up for the weekend.

houseeveryweekend Mon 16-May-16 20:29:50

I meant it would be confusing as they are separated and young children get their hopes up when they see their dad back living in the family home even if only on weekends. Im sure some parents manage it because they are on very good terms and are happy to be very involved in each others lives but it doesnt sound like thats the case here it sounds like it would be extremely awkward.

houseeveryweekend Mon 16-May-16 20:32:33

also its innapropriate if the OP doesnt want that level of relationship with her ex. Its one thing to behave politely and decently to the father of your children, its quite another to have them in your home overnight regularly when you dont want to and are trying to move on with your life.

HappyNevertheless Mon 16-May-16 20:34:33

Well the bottom line is that you want him in your house. That's your prerogative.
The dcs aren't a carte blanche to do anything he wants.

diddl Mon 16-May-16 20:35:18

"He has now asked if he can sleep on DC's floor on his weekends. I have asked him to get the train and he says that IBU."

I presume you mean get the train to you to collect the children & then take them back to his?

How is he intending to get to you if he's asking to sleep on the floor?

Is there nowhere nearby that he could stay?

maddening Mon 16-May-16 20:36:53

Son is he 50miles away if the round trip is 200?

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