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to change the locks on my DM house

(27 Posts)
Onedayinthesun Mon 16-May-16 17:45:28

My mum is 75, she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and had many episodes over the past 30 years resulting in her being sectioned. Her disorder is managed well when she co-operates with the healthcare professionals who administer her medication and she lives an independent relatively active life otherwise. We just have to monitor her for relapse signals.

My 40 year old, single, sister moved in with my DM 2 years ago on a short term basis. She very quickly decided that actually this was going to be a permanent arrangement and has never left and has no intention of doing so. She works part time, lives completely rent free, does not contribute to the bills or household supplies like food, cleaning products etc.

Over the last year or so there have been many, many occasions where my sister has lost her temper with my DM to extreme lengths - shouting, swearing, screaming at the top of her voice, to such a point my DM has been frightened in her own home and is walking on egg shells around her.

These confrontations take place regularly and they are normally to do with minor things like DM leaves her cup in the living room, doesn't wash up her plates the minute she has finished eating or often things to do with my sisters cat - letting him out, letting him in, feeding him etc etc my DM is so scared to do anything wrong that effects the cat she chooses to not leave the house some days in case there is backlash from my sister.
Up until now my DM won't let me say anything to her because she doesn't want any "trouble" - but my other sister has told me today this is a classic abuser/abused relationship, where up until now DM knows it is wrong how she treats her but is scared to do anything about it.

This weekend she was really, abusive again to my mum, I have just found out now that DM is at my other sisters house and doesn't want to go home because she feels scared.

This weekend my sister who lives with my DM left some crumbs on the worktop on Saturday night as a "Test" to see if my DM would clean thoroughly enough and because the crumbs where still on the worktop Sunday morning my sister lost the plot with DM and was enraged like a wild banshie screaming, swearing and threatening my DM. She is depressed and stressed and too scared to stand up to her.

As she lives there rent free, has no tenancy agreement can I just change the locks and put her out of my DM house?

Should I report this to the police? I feel like this is domestic violence but I can't see the wood for the trees, can anyone help me? Or should it be social workers I talk to?

My DM looks close to a relapse in her MH today. Sorry this is long, any help appreciated.

snowman1 Mon 16-May-16 17:50:39

God, your poor Mum! You say her condition is well managed usually, but when you say she is close to a relapse, do you mean you think you need to make a decision on her behalf? Do you have any arrangements in place to do this? What does she want to do with her house, does she want your sister out and would she change her locks?

I would report it to the police, it does sound like elder abuse. Might give her the kick up the bottom to leave.

Misnomer Mon 16-May-16 17:53:54

God, that sounds awful. Does your sister have a diagnosis, herself?

I think it would definitely be worth speaking to the police and asking their advice.

AdoraBell Mon 16-May-16 18:06:12

Absolutely is abuse, does the sister living with your DM have somewhere else to go? I'm thinking she will guilt trip/further abuse your DC over being made homeless, just be prepared for an escalation.

Also, does she have any kind of MS issue herself?

yorkshapudding Mon 16-May-16 18:13:52

Does your DM have a CPN or another mental health professional who regularly visits her at home or has appointments with her? If so, explain the situation to them and they will be able to advise.

Due to your DM's age and history of severe and enduring mental health issues she would be classed as a Vulnerable Adult, which means that there should be systems in place to protect her from abuse. You could also contact the Adult Social Care team in your area and ask to speak to the Duty Social Worker for advice if your DM does not already have an allocated social worker.

peggyundercrackers Mon 16-May-16 18:13:59

I would kick her out. PDQ. It'd so sad that your sister is treating your DM like this and must new infuriating for you.

Onedayinthesun Mon 16-May-16 18:14:23

Yes we have power of attorney all 3 of us siblings for health & finances. It is just when DM starts to get low and depressed in her mood it is a trigger for a psychotic episode, that's why I'm concerned.

My other sister and I do think and have said that my abusive sister has some sort of MH disorder but it is undiagnosed. Yes, my mum fears the repercussions of my other sister and I confronting her and effectively evicting her.

Onedayinthesun Mon 16-May-16 18:16:06

My mum lives in a lovely, leafy suberb and has a really nice, clean comfortable home - which is why the abusive outbursts are so unnecessary and uncalled for

Onedayinthesun Mon 16-May-16 18:16:44

I need to speak to her CPN in the first instance I think

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 18:19:18

On a practical note, where would your sister go to? I know that's her problem but she doesn't capable of sorting it out. Any of us would struggle if we were booted out of the house without notice.

It does sound as though your sister has MH problems. Does your mum have a specialist nurse you could speak to?

4kinmental Mon 16-May-16 18:21:44

I would talk to your mums care team and also research some legal options, I'm sure as your sister is on a free ride she holds no aces in this situation. Though if you do evict her it's likely she'll turn completely feral on you and it'll turn quite nasty.

WellIGuessThisIsGrowingUp Mon 16-May-16 18:21:47

You could ask adult social care for advice. Your mum is very vulnerable. In my precious, support worker capacity, i found them very helpful in these situations x

WellIGuessThisIsGrowingUp Mon 16-May-16 18:22:29

Precious = previous

Littleballerina Mon 16-May-16 18:28:37

Speak to her CPN and possibly ask her cpn if they would sit with you while you talk to your mum about it. whatever happens is likely to upset your mum so it's important I feel that they are involved.

Onedayinthesun Mon 16-May-16 18:32:21

It is difficult, my DM does not want to go home but doesn't want sister challenged and is scared to ask her to leave.

I feel I have to step in.

She doesn't have anywhere to go, but really she needs to know that she has to find somewhere by X date and leave. The trouble is my DM is frightened of repercussions and having to be on the receiving end of what she dishes out whilst she finds somewhere to live.

CoraPirbright Mon 16-May-16 18:45:47

Goodness that sounds awful. If your dm is afraid, can she stay put with your dsis or you whilst the other sister is given notice. Sounds like a very abusive situation.

limon Mon 16-May-16 19:27:44

This is a clear case of elder abuse and needs to be reported to social services and the police

ImperialBlether Mon 16-May-16 19:42:34

Yes, limon is right. Your poor mum has enough on her plate without having her daughter treating her like that.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 16-May-16 21:18:42

This is going to be difficult if all your sisters have power of attorney including the one living in her house. I would suggest you speak to a solicitor or CAB.

AnotherStitchInTime Mon 16-May-16 21:22:45

Speak to cpn, duty social worker or 101 for advice OP. As others have said this is a safeguarding issue and social services, the police and her mental health team all need to be involved.

Gatehouse77 Mon 16-May-16 21:34:04

I would say having LPA for her welfare gives you the right to discuss it with any health professional and your mum's in a hideous position. In my mind it's absolutely the right time to enforce your 'power'.

And if you and your elder sister are in agreement I would suspect, but don't quote me, you could overrule your other sister. It may be worth checking with the solicitor who drew up the LPA.

travellinghopefully12 Mon 16-May-16 21:41:39

This breaks my heart - I don't know what to advise but it is so sad that your mother is being treated like this. Are there local mh support organisations? How close do you live to dm

sending love

Brokenbiscuit Tue 17-May-16 07:10:50

No advice, but your poor mum!sad

Your sister sounds like she needs help too tbh. I realise that it's difficult if she won't accept that.

I think talking to your mum's care team would be a good start.

Janeymoo50 Tue 17-May-16 07:24:19

Do you actually witness these interactions? Have you spoken to your sister?

leelu66 Tue 17-May-16 08:05:01

It sounds extremely difficult. but it is abuse. Your mum has the right not to be abused in her own home.

Your sister needs to leave.

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