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to think that my mum should have sounded a bit more willing to come home?

(11 Posts)
Arrowfanatic Mon 16-May-16 17:34:45

My grandad (mums dad) is very unwell. This last couple of weeks he's taken a turn for the worse and is pretty much in bed most days (he has cancer, and is 85). My nan understandably is finding this hard to deal with, she's the kind of person who doesn't stop and expects everyone to be up, dressed and showered every day no matter what by early morning. My grandad is too weak, due to the nature of his cancer he can barely eat and he wants to stay in bed or just sit in his PJ's all day.

My mum is abroad to help my sister who is heavily pregnant with her third and plans to stay after her c-sec to help (my sister does have a husband btw).

I called my mum explained everything and suggested she may want to consider citing her trip short as grandad is due a scan soon and I expect it to say the cancer has spread. In which case I know that my nan is likely to get very upset and my already depressed grandad is likely to get even more down. I just feel I can't cope with this on my own. I have several young children myself and although a sahm and a few streets away from my grandparents I'm pretty busy as can be expected with a mother. However when I suggested this to her she just said she has an open ticket and if she feels it necessary she will come but I got the sense that she literally just means should he die.

Maybe I'm bu, and I need to act like a grown up but this man is pretty much my dad and I simply don't feel like if things get much worse that I could cope. Since mum has been gone I've had to arrange extra doctors appts to their home, nurse visits, try to persuade them to have home help, and generally be there.

I suppose on one hand I'm scared about the future, and want my mum here to take the lead over HER parents. But she is so blasé about it all, truthfully I think she's just having a blast abroad and doesn't want to deal with her elderly parents as she's not that kind of daughter iyswim.

SquinkiesRule Mon 16-May-16 17:48:39

I agree with you, but then again I'm not sure. If she was on a normal holiday then yea, but she's there for your sis who's about to give birth. She's probably going to be with the other kids while your sis and her Dh are at the hospital. I'd expect her to only stay a few days after the birth and come back for her Dad. The maybe go back and see your sis another time.

Floralnomad Mon 16-May-16 17:55:01

Sorry but its your mums decision to make and she obviously feels that she is needed by your sister more at present ,if you feel you are unable to cope then you need to take a step back or get your gran to access other agencies to help ,it's not for anyone else to decide that your mum should 'step up' . Perhaps your mum feels she needs the break from her parents ,it's entirely possible .

BillSykesDog Mon 16-May-16 17:56:10

I think YABU. The scan hasn't happened yet. It is unfair to ask your mother to make decisions based on a hypothetical situation. She has said that she will see if it's necessary to come home as the situation develops. That's perfectly reasonable to me.

Can your husband not help out? I get a sense that there is an underlying rivalry between you and your sister for your mother's attention. Is that the case?

Arrowfanatic Mon 16-May-16 18:05:49

My husband works a huge number of hours and he works for away so although he is happy to help it's not always possible.

No rivalry on my part, I suspect a lot on my sisters part (see previous post).

The thing is, even without the scan results yet my grandparents are struggling. They have accessed all the outside help they are willing to do so, I am trying to persuade them to take more.

My mum isn't very "family" orientated, she does see her parents situation as a inconvenience but the fact remains they are her parents and she is the person most suited to be available for their needs. That said, she only used to visit them for an hour once or twice a week so maybe doesn't care that actually their needs are more than that????

I do feel my sister could cope quite well without her. I coped alone whilst pregnant with my third when my husband was deployed. And she does have her husband and his HUGE extended family there.

Tbh, it just felt like my mum has gone abroad to sunnier climates and left it all to me. I've maybe stepped up more as things have escalated since she's been gone, and my mum won't give up the sunshine and freedom to deal with her elderly parents.

That probably doesn't make sense, I'm a bit all over the place tbh. I feel totally out of my depth.

That1950sMum Mon 16-May-16 18:11:00

Your Mum is in a difficult position. She is already with your sister and presumably wants to see through the commitment she has made to her. You do sound a little harsh.
Sounds as if there may be bigger issues here.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 16-May-16 18:24:02

How long is your mum planning on staying with your sister?

BillSykesDog Mon 16-May-16 18:24:34

Sorry, but your mother cannot be forced to become a carer because your Grandparents don't want to accept outside help. That's their decision, not your mother's.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Mon 16-May-16 18:25:34

Also does your mum work?

scaryteacher Mon 16-May-16 18:30:47

I think YANBU, as it's tough to have to deal with it all, especially if you feel out of your depth. I know leave plots are sorted well in advance, but can your dh get some leave to help you? Weekending is a bitch, especially when there is something crappy going on.

I think you have to take one day at a time, and as ever, plan for the worst and hope for the best. Keep trying the more help approach - I had to sort it from abroad for my ils, when we were posted overseas,- and say to your Gran that it would help you out. Is there help available from the Marie Curie or Macmillan nurses at all? I had to be very firm with mil and tell her that we wanted carers in for fil, as we knew she wasn't willing to help him (double incontinence), and would go out and leave him all day, when he was prone to fall.

You don't sound harsh - you sound at the end of your tether, and it isn't easy when you are dealing with it on your own, and your dh is just at the end of a phone (if you are lucky!).

2rebecca Mon 16-May-16 18:38:54

Your mother is maybe deliberately staying away to force your grandparents to get enough help so she isnt overwhelmed on her return. Sometimes that is the only way to make elderly relatives accept the help they need. I think it is up to you to decide how much help you give and your mum to decide how much she gives and who she helps. She is helping family just not the members you want her to help

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