to not go to this party but still feel awful about it?

(26 Posts)
Lostandlostsomemore Sun 15-May-16 21:15:27

Long story short.
DS in reception.
Within the first couple of months, my son was hit a lot by another boy.
Quite a few injuries, one quite serious ( split lip and swollen eye on the same day )
Various meetings with the head and teacher and now boy has a one to one the entire time.
A mutual friend between me and the other mum ( who works 4 days a week so only knew her to say hello and goodbye to anyway ) told her how upset I was, that i was meeting with the head and so on as feared for sons safety and other mother shouted at me saying I was over reacting.
After a few weeks we began talking again just in passing and it's remained like that, polite but not over friendly.
Now it's her sons birthday Saturday, whole class invited to her home for it I don't know what to do.
Main reason is that my sons birthday is next month and lots of friends will not come if they come and a few have said I am being really silly putting my child and theirs at risk by inviting him.
To be honest I wouldn't invite him as son doesn't play with him ( but equally isn't scared of him or anything - just accepts he lashes out a lot ) but the mother has made it very clear she thinks parties for reception age kids should be for all children not just a few so feel she would probably go potty if we accept and then don't return the invite.
My gut says don't go but maybe send a present? But worried that my sons missing a party he may enjoy and secondly that she will think I'm holding a grudge which I'm really not! Advice please

Joolsy Sun 15-May-16 21:21:00

In that case I'd assume that the 'lots of friends' you refer to probably won't go to this boy's party either. My first instinct is to ask your DS if he wants to go and let him decide. There may be other friends of his that aren't going, so he might not want to go anyway. If he does want to I would send him.

Re your DS's party, it is entirely up to you and your DS what sort of party you have and who you invite. FWIW I've NEVER done a whole class party in the 7 years my DDs have been at school and I know plenty of others haven't either. The other mum's opinions on this are irrelevant.

Psycobabble Sun 15-May-16 21:21:46

I would let my ds go if everyone else is going . In terms of not inviting him to your sons birthday then I think it's fine if it's a party were only so many are going rather than you just not inviting him ?? Which I'm assuming you haven't done that

For example my ds has been to quite a few parties of classmates were the whole class or 20+ kids have gone but for his he wanted a soft play were u pay for head and so we could only really afford 10 so we let him pick the ones that were invited as the ones he plays with most.

Psycobabble Sun 15-May-16 21:22:34

I should have said let him go if your ds actually wants to go

Psycobabble Sun 15-May-16 21:23:33

Per head !!!!!! Not for head. Oops blush

Lostandlostsomemore Sun 15-May-16 21:36:53

He wants to go.
He also wants the boy at his party - he doesn't play with him but feels sorry that he isn't allowed to play outside anymore and son is quite soft hearted
No these mums aren't going and a couple of family members think we shouldn't go if we won't return it and don't think we should as the risk of him injuring someone at the party is high and I would have known that so almost my fault for putting people in that situation

WhatamessIgotinto Sun 15-May-16 21:41:58

Is your party going to be a whole class one or just a few friends?

MadamDeathstare Sun 15-May-16 21:45:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curioushorse Sun 15-May-16 21:47:00

Ah, this is a sad situation. I feel sorry for the mum. She'll know, if she doesn't already, that her child is being ostracised. I'm going to make a sweeping a possibly ridiculous generalisation, and suggest that because she is having a party for him at home, she is probably a caring mum and he's being well brought up.

The fact that he's got a one on one also suggests SEN (quite early to have that diagnosed).

I'd go, but stay. Should there be any issues, you'd then be able to step in. There probably won't be many there. Ah, poor woman. She's clearly making an effort to integrate her child.

BabyGanoush Sun 15-May-16 21:53:33

I had this situation.

I asked the mum if she could stay around at DS party to "help" her DS as I said with 20 kids I could not manage otherwise.

She came, he came, all was fine.

Sometimes trying to just be open and talking about the elephant in the room is the best way.

A lot of people like it when you're just being straight with them. "dS and I want to invite your son. I think I need an adult to keep an eye on him in case he gets overwhelmed, would you or your DP mind staying to make sure he is happy?"

Brightbluebells Sun 15-May-16 21:57:45

Exactly what BabyGanoush said. Completely spot on.

Lostandlostsomemore Sun 15-May-16 21:58:45

Sons party isn't the whole class but unfortunately we share mutual friends whose children will be invited that's the main problem
I would happily to go her sons and bring a nice present, knowing I could leave if needed but she's made it so clear she thinks in reception and younger years all children should be invited to all parties that I think she could be quite nasty if we didn't return the invite
Yes hurting lots of children, my sons injuries were worse though but behavioural issues rather than adhd etc ( she called in someone private to test )

Joolsy Sun 15-May-16 22:02:29

Blimey, she's in for a shock if she thinks in reception and younger years all children should be invited to all parties!!!! I don't know where she's got this misguided notion from. Personally I don't see the point in all class parties, unless the child genuinely is good friends with all the class!

CocktailQueen Sun 15-May-16 22:17:17

Well, that might be her opinion - that younger year parties should be whole-class (why? To ensure her Ds is invited?), but not everyone will think that way/want to invite her dc/will afford whole-class parties.

She sounds quite abrasive. Not a veg combination if her Ds is injuring other dc in the class. And you don't invite a dc to your party to get an invitation to theirs!

I'd probably decline her party, and not invite her Ds to your son's party. Easier all round.

Lostandlostsomemore Mon 16-May-16 07:02:58

Thanks for replies

MooseyMoo Mon 16-May-16 07:14:55

she's made it so clear she thinks in reception and younger years all children should be invited to all parties

I'm wondering if she's hoping to help/encourage her son into new friendships if she invites whole class to party. Assuming he now has limited interaction with other kids if he can't go outside to play anymore.

happyNotanymore Mon 16-May-16 07:20:20

Your son want to go ,so I would go and return an invite . Then ask mum to stay with him . If the parents were thinking as simply as 5 years old ,90% of playground drama would be non existent. I absolutely hate playground politics ,as if I invite him then half of mutual friends won't come , why ? who does this ? not coming to a party cos there will be a boy with behaviour issues , it's ridiculous !! It's a party ,not a school ,do parents can stay and look after their children .

Nishky Mon 16-May-16 07:24:36

Your son sounds lovely and compassionate! I would let him go and as he wants the boy at his party then I would invite him back. If friends decide to stay away then that is their issue.

MillionToOneChances Mon 16-May-16 07:27:08

If your child doesn't have any many very close friends, whole class parties are the only real party option. Doesn't mean you can expect everyone else to do the same or return the invitation.

WhirlwindHugs Mon 16-May-16 07:28:14

I think you have to give the child a chance. Sounds like things have improved since he got a 1to1? Take your child to his party and see how it goes first before you decide about your sons party.

If you do end up not inviting him to your sons party make sure he isn't the only one (or the only boy) not invited. That would be really hurtful for a 5yo.

coffeetasteslikeshit Mon 16-May-16 07:29:43

I would let your son go to this party if he wants to.

I would not worry about what the other mum said about whole class party's. .. that's just her opinion.

If your son wants this boy at his party, I would invite him. If he doesn't, I wouldn't.

TeenAndTween Mon 16-May-16 07:54:35

If your son wants this boy at his party, I would invite him.

I agree. but make it very clear that his Mum needs to stay and closely supervise and any bad behaviour he will need to leave / sit out games. Maybe also have your own 'extra' adult too.

Also make it clear to other parents this is what will happen. 'yes we have asked Rob Titchener too as DS likes him, but his Mum will stay and supervise and any issues will be dealt with before they escalate' .

Whatever the lad's issues, they can only be helped by socialising and only exacerbated by exclusion, so if your DS wants him there then let him come.

Lostandlostsomemore Mon 16-May-16 11:49:44

Cheers for the replies
My son is very compassionate and really does like all children he has never said he doesn't like someone actually
Recently he got attacked at a park by a child with ADHD and even when the mum scolded him he told her he was sure he was trying to be kind and couldn't help it.
It's a lovely trait of his although unfortunately did lead him to become a bit of a target for this child although of course since the one to ones that's all stopped.
He wants to go so I think we will go.
The mother isn't a fan of mine which makes me feel quite awkward about going too but I can get past that for the children involved

OrangeSplot Mon 16-May-16 11:55:51

I don't agree that all kids should be invited nor do I agree that invitations must be reciprocated.
It would be a definite no to attendance and invitation from me. But if your DS wants to go then its tricky.
It would also depend on how attentive the mother is in managing her child's behaviour - not sure you have any experience of that?

I would want to enjoy my child's birthday and for it not be overshadowed with tension and anxiety over a spoilt day.

I would overrule my child if they wanted to go to a party where I had issues with the child/parent for whatever reason.

It's difficult as we don't know the behavioural problems or the causes.

OrangeSplot Mon 16-May-16 11:56:37

Why isn't the mother a fan of yours?

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