Who's responsible? DH or DS age 4

[MamWithNoName]

Two things happened recently. DH and DS aged 4 arrived home in the car and DS got his finger slammed in the car door because he had hand near the door hinge when DH closed it. DH denied responsibility saying DS shouldn't have had his hand there. It's not come up before and it's not something I've had to discuss with him so he might not have realised the danger.

The second occasion was when they went on the bus with a little stuffed toy and it got left behind. DH said it was DS's fault as he should have been looking after it. AIBU to think that DH should look out for him more and not expect a 4 year old to be completely responsible.

[MaddyHatter]

DH's fault entirely.

[ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay]

Your husband sounds like a right arse! Your child is 4 FFS!

[Sirzy]

First one dh needs to get into the habit of saying "mind your fingers" when he shuts the door

Second one, these things happen. I wouldn't deliberately leave a toy behind but it wouldn't always cross my mind yo check. That's discourage taking our precious toys

[ZedWoman]

I accidentally shut DD's finger in the hinge of the living room door when I shut it. It's called an accident. I felt terrible about it, but it was still an accident.

[Chillyegg]

I think your DH sounds like a bullying in caring cock.
Sorry but the actual fuck.

[AmserGwin]

I'm surprised you have to ask! He is 4 years old, how could he be held responsible? It's up to DH as the adult to make sure these things don't happen (though obviously accidents do happen sometimes)

[wolfwhistleme]

Can't believe you have to ask. No YANBU DH is !

[lavenderhoney]

Your dh is responsible and by being responsible he says " mind your fingers" and " shall we take teddy or leave him at home?" Or " have we got all our stuff? Let's check"

How else is your ds supposed to learn to do this stuff for himself? It's not by magic is it? Your dh should be helping him learn, not helping him get injured and lose toys.

[MamWithNoName]

Yes, accidents do happen but neither time did he admit responsibility. It makes me cross.

[GloGirl]

He's being dreadful. There's a reason why 4 year olds don't go to work and earn a living. They are not responsible adults, they are young children and need parenting.

[Nanunanu]

Car doors happen. Kids put their hands where they shouldn't be. Yes parents need to look out but they sometimes still do it. Accidents happen.

Totally the parents responsibility of course. 4 year olds cannot be held responsible because they are children

Same with lost toys. It's why toy straps were invented

But then you knew that

[WonkoTheSane42]

Bizarre to want to blame anyone for accidents. Unless you think he deliberately crushed his son's fingers and lost his favourite toy?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

He's a twat. You can't blame a 4yo for either of those things! :(

[MamWithNoName]

Sorry Wonko, I didn't explain properly. He blamed DS on both occasions.

[CassandraAusten]

Both these were accidents. I think it's more constructive to work on making sure they don't happen again than to get fixated on blame.

[CassandraAusten]

x post

[junebirthdaygirl]

Sounds like he goes on the defensive when you accuse him. Both times are accidents. I'm sure he feels and enough. If anything happens on your watch lm sure you will be hoping for assurance not blame

[Chippednailvarnishing]

You're asking a question you already know the answer to. The question you should be asking is what are you going to do about it.

[Rebecca2014]

It was an accident but your husband attitude is awful, his son is 4 years old. Accept responsibility.

[ricketytickety]

dh.

Always say 'mind your fingers' when shutting car doors (although accidents can still happen)

Keep an eye on belongings on buses/trains/planes....but again things can still get lost.

Can't really then tell a child it's their fault when they are upset at getting hurt/losing a favourite toy. That's mean. But not sure you're saying your dh did that. If he didn't blame your dc then you shouldn't really blame your dh, as both these things can be chalked up as accidents. Unless you think they weren't?

[babypeach]

I'm with you op and have had similar conversations with dh. He sometimes seems to forget that our dc is 5 not 15. The car door thing is an accident possibly no one's fault as such but definitely not the childs. I feel like its an inability to take responsibility for things going wrong in any situation-I've noticed that even though he may say things like "it was all my fault" he'll often end up justifying by saying something like "it wouldn't have happened if x hadn't done y though" or "its because I've got a cold" etc-in reality I don't really believe he thinks anything is his responsibility

[SatsukiKusakabe]

My two year old hardly speaks but she tells me to mind my fingers because she's heard it so many times!

Ours also have beloved teddies so they are subject to constant checking. My dh can be a bit absent minded over some things regarding the children, but he knows if he goes out with a bear he comes back with one or he doesn't come back

I hate adults who don't take responsibility. He needs to realise that ds won't automatically know this stuff at 4, he needs to actively teach him.

[ricketytickety]

x post

He shouldn't blame your dc - that's rubbing his nose in it. That's what's wrong and made you question it.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Sounds like DH always needs to have blame assigned for an incident. Sometimes these things just happen! He should have looked, DS should have move his hand. They both should have checked for the toy but at the end of the day he's the adult.