to really not understand why I'm so disliked?

[User543212345]

So I was told this week by one of my neighbours that he "sticks up for me" to other people in our development - I asked him to clarify and he said that I'm known as "Bipolar Sweary" and "The snooty cow who is always sticking her nose in". He told me who had told him these things and they're people I've never even spoken to. We live in a development of around 40 flats and I probably know/speak to about half a dozen people here and I'm baffled as to why these things are being said about me. I don't stick my nose in to anything - we really keep ourselves to ourselves (aside from the issue with the drug dealing neighbour, but that was our business as his clients were ringing my doorbell at all hours of the night) and I don't really have anything to do with anyone here.

The thing is, this isn't the first time I've been shown that I'm very much excluded from a group - any time there has been a group dynamic I've been pushed out, or told that I'm being slagged off behind my back by "well-meaning" friends or colleagues. It happens over and over again.

The thing is I really don't get it. I think I'm nice - I'm not rude to people, I help out if asked, I'm not arrogant, I don't push myself forward or trample on other people in order to get what I want - if anything I let people trample on me. I don't get what I do to provoke this reaction in people and I don't get what I'm doing wrong. And it has to be me as it's happening so often.

AIBU to not understand what I'm doing to make me so unlikeable? And if I don't understand it then how can I fix it?

[PhylumChordata]

Your neighbour is either making it up for his own gain or is a bit wierd is my guess here

[AdrenalineFudge]

This also happens in work scenarios and with groups of friends too? Is that what you're saying? Because if so then it's something that needs addressing.

If it was just that one neighbour painting himself out to be your knight in shining armour I wouldn't make too much of it.

[Miloarmadillo1]

Are you bipolar or sweary? It's an odd nickname for someone to have come up with if there is no basis in fact, obviously it may well have been exaggerated along the way.
Is the drug dealer spreading rumours to try to discredit you?

[MrMainwaringsWife]

I don't know why people equate keeping yourself to yourself as being stuck up
Forget it , it's them not you

[gleam]

I think your meighbour's making it up to hurt you. Perhaps he's the nosy one doesn't like you keeping yourself to yourself.

[gleam]

neighbour

[kitkat1968]

Here you have a guy who feels inadequate about himself, and can only make himself feel better by putting more popular people dowm.What right-thinking person would pass on comments like that even if they were true?
Put him in the 'saddo' pigeonhole and don't give him another thought!

[marryoneorbecomeone]

Your neighbour is a prize tear for saying anything like that to you. Do NOT trust him.

Everyone at some point has felt like they haven't "fitted". It's one of the things cod psychics say when they do cold readings!

He's playing on that insecurity. Seriously OP, watch him, he's trouble.

[marryoneorbecomeone]

Prize twat, not prize tear!

[memyselfandaye]

He's an inadequate little twat with hero complex, ignore.

[User543212345]

Adrenaline yes that's what I'm saying. That it happens with groups I'm involved with/colleagues etc. I don't know what it is I do and nobody can explain it to me. I don't know whether everyone is bitched about but I take it really personally or whether I'm singled out. I do feel like an outsider quite often as a result though.

Milo - am not bipolar but have had a difficult time of late with my mental health (have anxiety and am just getting established in recovery from anorexia) but I don't know why they might know this because I don't engage with them. They used my actual name in the "bipolar Sweary" thing - I put Sweary in because it's my MN name.

I get that the neighbour was being a twat, and have no idea why he felt the need to tell me this stuff, but like I say it isn't an isolated incident. I keep getting told that other people hate/dislike me or think I'm odd/stuck up/weird and I don't get why. I want to be able to avoid it and if I'm doing something wrong I want to be able to address it, but at the moment it feels like avoiding all contact is more sensible.

[GarlicShake]

Congrats on managing your eating disorder :) That's a massive achievement - good luck with keeping on!

OK, so you have anxiety and are handling some other mental health / behavioural glitches. This combination is likely to make you fairly introspective & reserved. There are too many people who interpret this as standoffish. It actually is their problem. They're incapable of understanding that other people have inner lives of their own, or something like that. You weren't put on this earth to provide free entertainment, so don't worry about it.

As long as you stay in touch somehow with the folks who matter to you, you're doing enough.

[GarlicShake]

I've just re-read your last post (11:55.) If this is bothering you much - not weird neighbour guy, but in general - maybe you could look at one of those little courses in social skills? "How to make friends & Influence people" is hopelessly old-fashioned, but still good if you ignore the sexism and stuff about formal occasions. It includes things like how to feed back what someone's just said to you, how much to give back in return, and so on.

An NLP-based book is a more modern approach to exactly the same thing. I learned all this when I did sales training. You'd be surprised how many people need to 'learn' it!

[Miloarmadillo1]

Sorry, it passed me by that it was your MN name. It sounds like someone is stirring up trouble.
Are you sure it's the same in other situations? There's quite a big difference between just not being or feeling part of the 'in crowd' which is pretty common if you are reserved or introverted, and people actively calling you names and being unpleasant.

[angielou123]

I don't do well in groups either. Which is fine as I hate going out socialising and I much prefer my own company. The street where I live is very friendly. In the summer all the other residents get together for drinks (I don't drink) and sit outside chatting. I often wonder what they say about me as I don't join in. I get on with them all but they are neighbours, not my friends.

[FutureGadgetsLab]

I get this as well sometimes, some people take a dislike to me even when I haven't done anything. In my case it's because I have ASD and don't really "fit in" with groups so some see that as an excuse to be a dick.

Ignore it OP. You are the better person.

[JerryFerry]

One of our neighbours just moved out and we (neighbourhood) were very glad. She was variously known as TheCrazyOne, BitchBev and so on because she was nice-then-rude, nice-then-rude, bossy and interfering - according to the others in our little street. Thing is, I decided soon after she moved in that she would be too much hard work for me so I avoided her. Recently I was in a local cafe and she walked in and sat at my table. She told me she felt sad that there was no community spirit in our street (there is but people have learnt to avoid her) and that she was selling up. She also told me her family didn't speak to her.

From the encounters I had with her, I would guess that she had mental health problems which affected her ability to relate well. Which is sad.

Not to suggest that you are rude and demanding as our neighbour was! but something is affecting your ability to relate well to others. Would you consider talking with a psychologist to try to gain some insight? It may be that you can change this pattern if you have the right support.

Though your neighbour sounds like a dick. Don't waste any more time listening ti him.

[3amClub]

I used to be quite awkward & shy when meeting new people. I was once told by a colleague that when she first met me she thought I was a bitch because I was so 'stuck up', misinterpreting my shyness. Made me work on my social skills

[User543212345]

Yes it has been the same in other situations. I appreciate that I'm dwelling on this and overlooking the times when it hasn't happened so it probably isn't a constant but when I met DH his friends had a campaign of trying to get rid of me (I saw the emails they sent DH), likewise another girl in a group didn't like me - and to be fair I didn't like her either - so she sent big complaints to the rest of the group about how awful I am and how I should be ousted. Something, incidentally, I would never do because frankly it's so bloody nasty and childish. There have been other groups where I've been told by someone that I'm being bitched about and to watch out for X person or to watch my back. Writing it down it's so obvious that these are people shit stirring but it feels like it always happens to me. I'm even the scapegoat in my bloody family! It really isn't a perceived/paranoia thing - it is shown to me over and over.

I'll look into NLP because I do feel socially awkward and would probably do well to learn how to do this - at least from an academic stand point so I can actually start to understand it.

[silverpenny]

seems to be so many posts that involve drug dealers in blocks of flats/next door at the moment!

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I agree with GarlicShake. I used to have problems with this when I was going through anxiety and depression, apparently I appeared very standoffish and up myself to other people. That's not my problem and I certainly am not like that, but it's hard to ignore at the time as it's not nice to feel disliked. But really it is NOT your problem. Congratulations on making a recovery with your mental health, it is so hard without having to worry about other people. Just remember, the people worth knowing and worth caring about will take the time to get to know the real you so stuff everyone else :)

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

If it was a one-off, I'd say it was your neighbour being weird; but since you've said it happens in other circumstances as well, then I guess it's not him.

It's not nice that he's said that to you but there may be things about you that do give off "different" signals to others.

I don't know that much about the mental health problems but I do know that people used to think I was being stand-offish when I was just going through a very difficult time in my life and didn't want to blab about it to all and sundry - some people do seem to think that they're "owed" a cheerful response to everything, regardless of your own feelings at the time! I remember being told by a bloke while I was on the way to physio for an injury to "cheer up love, it may never happen" - well yes, actually, it already has, and it hurts but thanks for taking the time out to make me feel just that little bit worse! Fucker. But he probably "meant well".

I'm going to ask this but I'll probably get shot down in flames for it - have you always had difficulties with socialising, fitting in, etc.? My niece has Asperger's, and has some trouble with this, so I'm just wondering if there's any chance that it might be part of your picture as well?

[WriteforFun1]

I agree, it could be an effort by drug dealer to discredit you.

but as it happens in other situations, and the word used was "bipolar" the other thing I wonder is how consistent you are in any particular behaviour? Could they be criticising you because you haven't always got the mental energy to say hi and have a conversation? I often don't feel like chatting with people so I get that can be an issue. I think some of my neighbours think I'm unfriendly but I don't really care tbh.

[AdrenalineFudge]

Equally you could just have resting bitch face.

When I'm stressed or anxious I do appear stand offish because I'm mainly in my own world so I even attempt to stay away from socialising.

Socialising for someone not used to it can be very draining and exhausting - it's almost as if they're putting on a performance the whole time. I'd urge you to start small, do you have one or two friends that you can relate to?
As sociable as I am, I also find groups a bit much.

[FutureGadgetsLab]

some people do seem to think that they're "owed" a cheerful response to everything, regardless of your own feelings at the time!

Some people also assume you're a bitch if you're not smiling all the time. I'm in a perfectly neutral mood?