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To still be angry?

(32 Posts)
paperchase0verdone Sun 15-May-16 01:38:33

My mum moved to Aus 10 yrs ago, the year after my DD was born. She moved with my younger siblings and step dad. I was a Teen mum, full time job with no partner around. She said she was going on holiday and never came back. Didn't offer me or my 2 other siblings to go. Just packed up and left. Didn't see her for 4 years then she came over and I just felt anger. I struggled so much with working and raising my DD.
She has given the best life to my 2 younger siblings, they want for nothing. Yet with us left behind, she couldn't care less. Younger siblings are now 19&20, she does everything for them still, pays for University, holidays etc and I feel resentment as she never took us on holidays, never went shopping with us, never done anything like that.
When I have bought it up with her she cries, says she knows she is a bad mum, why do I hate her so much etc, all why me kind of cries.
The other month she had enough and left her husband (and the kids) and flew back, I dropped everything and picked her up, paid for petrol, was shoulder to cry on, for her to tell me 4 days later she feels bad on the 2 children and has to go back to them. She NEVER thought of us like that. I'm so hurt for many reasons. I wanted a mum who I could rely on, could talk to, visit and have for advice and just a mum. I feel so jealous when I see/hear other people doing that with their mums. Still now. 10 years on.
People say I should get over it, not bother to think about it, but it hurts still now. I don't have any contact with my dad (have seen him once in a year) and my UK siblings - well we just don't talk at all for various reasons.
I have a fantastic partner and great kids, just filled with anger still. Should I be? Should I still think about it? Or am I over reacting?
Sometime you just need your mum and through the toughest times of my life, I haven't had one. sad

dillydotty Sun 15-May-16 02:04:06

She is shit to be honest. She is your mum but she will never be the mum you wanted her to be.

For your own peace of mind you need to decide whether a relationship with her would be beneficial to your mental health or not.

My mum is shit. I have decided that being nc would be more of a head fuck to me than seeing her. Since I made that decision the hurtful things she says don't sting so much. She gets the duty visits but we will never be close.

dillydotty Sun 15-May-16 02:11:10

Bingo helps. Tick the comments off as you go along. I actually get pissed off when my mother doesn't say something harsh about my appearance or tells me how fantastic her new family is because then I can't tick them off. If I get a full house I treat myself to something fattening on the way home smile

paperchase0verdone Sun 15-May-16 02:29:27

She is shit, I know this. She can go months with out talking to me or DD.
It's not a problem in her eyes. She left behind 7 GC, none of which she cares about. I just feel so bloody heart broken some times.
I had a breakdown last Jan and was diagnosed with BPD. She just said I would get over it. I keep trying, keep pushing to have a family.
I really want to put out an adoption type post, there must be someone who's own kids don't want to know or didn't have any. I'd be a bloody good daughter! lol Even come with ready made GC!
I wish I didn't feel this anger still. I'm going to be 30 soon and still go on about it. See, it turns from anger to hurt.

fizzingmum Sun 15-May-16 02:31:56

I feel for you OP. My mum left when I was 5 and has been an in and out, shit mum since. Always making snidey comments and choosing every man and his dog first. Luckily my DF was amazing and raised us all very well. When I see friends and their mums having a normal relationship and doing things together it used to drive me mad. Why ? Why can't my mum be like that? Why can't my mum be a proper grandma? Why doesn't she want to? Why does she say these things. Etc etc. You probably wouldn't believe the terrible things she has done and continues to do. I decided about 5 years ago after a particularly bad episode with her that she was never going to be the person or mum that I wanted or needed. I grieved for the relationship I had chased all my life and I drew a line underneath it. I couldn't let it eat me up and i couldn't keep on hoping for her to be a mum, for her to kick me down every time. Once I made this change to my thinking it has become much easier. It hurts still but I feel better for it. Sometimes OP you have to just accept that people are not who or what you want them to be and will never change. That sometimes you will never get the answers or apologies you are looking for. Try and find some positives. I know that I am a much better Mum to my girls in spite of not having a proper mum myself because she taught me what not to do. It's a conscious change to make but it can be done. X

daisychain01 Sun 15-May-16 03:16:26

The only constructive advice I can give is to give up waiting around for your DM to magically become the person you want her to be. It just ain't gonna happen.

Sounds defeatist but it's reality.

Don't feel angry either, it will only harm you. Thank her for the fact she gave you life, that's the only great thing she's done. Get on and focus on life with your DD, your DM has lost out on her DGC if only she knew it!

Nogravyforyou Sun 15-May-16 03:21:56

My dad has never been the father I've wanted him to be. I spent so long being angry and trying to make him the person I needed him to be. I can honestly say my life is so much better since I've excepted that he will not be that person. The choice is up to you, can you keep a relationship with her and accept that she will not be that person? I couldn't stay in contact with him and I would say at best I'm indifferent to him at this stage. Please do not let this anger eat you up because she's not worth it.

Bumshkawahwah Sun 15-May-16 03:54:29

I think it sounds like some kind of counselling might be a good idea. She's probably never going to change and I feel horrible for you, being repeatedly hurt by her. It would be such a shame to go through more of your life with these feelings of anger and hurt and it's much easier said than done to just 'get over it'. Some outside help might get you to a happier place smile

Nogravyforyou Sun 15-May-16 03:57:53

I agree with bum. I went to see a therapist, and one of the exercises that I did was to write on a4 sheets of paper ( one thing per sheet) things I liked about my dad and things I didn't. She spread them all around the room and talked about them to me. And at the end of the session we made two stacks. Guess which was bigger? And she just looked at me has said "that pile says more than I ever will". And she was so right.

PPie10 Sun 15-May-16 07:17:01

Yanbu, she's a terrible mother. Who just ups and leaves their kids for years? The mistake you made is dropping everything to run to her when her life was shit, then she dumped you as soon as she felt better. She really is toxic, you need to admit that to yourself. She's your mother but that doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her. She causes you more negative feelings than good ones. You should seek some counselling to help you realise this. Good luck. C

ScarlettSahara Sun 15-May-16 12:09:07

Hello paper - So sorry this has happened to you. I know what it feels like to not have your mum there. My Mum died when I was a child but I had the opportunity to grieve & move on ( though there are times I still miss her terribly).
It seem like she is trying to turn this around onto you with asking why you hate her. I agree with the pther posters that you are exhausting yourself with trying to work out what she wants from you & hoping to win her back.
You have a fantastic partner & great kids so if I were you I would concentrate on your own loving family. I am sure you are being the mum you wish you had had flowers

ScarlettSahara Sun 15-May-16 12:13:23

Oh yes to the counselling- I think that could really help and FWIW I don't think you are being AIBU to feel angry and I also don't think you should feel that your Mum's attitude is a reflection on you.

VoldysGoneMouldy Sun 15-May-16 12:14:18

Frankly seeing the way she treated you, it's no surprise you've been diagnosed with BPD. A huge part of recovery from BPD is about feeling your emotions, and knowing it's okay to have them.

Be as angry as you need to be. Be so angry you scream into a pillow. Call her every single name you can think of inside your head, then add a few more.

And find a way, hard as it is, to accept that this woman will never be the mother you deserve.

Are you getting any support for your mental health? Because even without a diagnosis, anyone would need help processing all you've had to deal with.

Much love to you.

coco1810 Sun 15-May-16 12:39:25

She is a terrible mom and you will never change her or the past. But you can change the future and be the best mom you your own DD and future GC. X

paperchase0verdone Sun 15-May-16 15:25:55

Thank you everyone for replying.

I always knew she was a shit mum, she never clothed us or fed us but done everything for my 2 younger siblings. I think because they were with my Step Dad that she felt a different love for them. She makes me feel like she is the best mum in the world, she makes me feel so guilty when I say anything negative. I'm currently having CBT since being diagnosed with BPD. It stems from her I swear.
I just feel like maybe I should be over it? How do I move on? With therapy help that? CBT isn't helping me what so ever - maybe it's the woman that I'm with. Where I'm from it's easier to give pills and wave goodbye.
I have these thoughts all the time, why wasn't I good enough? Why does she not love me like she does them? She left us behind with no money, no sorry, no byes.
I clearly remember the day she went 'on holiday' I walked up to hers after my work with DD in pram, they were already in the car and said "We will see you soon" as she drove off. My nan (mums mum) rang me a while later and said she isn't coming back. She had a feeling. And she was right. She went to NZ first on 'holiday' then Australia about 6 months later. No letters were wrote, no emails, no texts, nothing. It was like she just disappeared out of my life.
When you see what life she lives, when I see what 2 youngers get, whether that's love or material stuff, it stings. I was homeless after she left, I had a massive mental breakdown, I've struggled continuously with my MH. And yet, she has never been there. She is living in her huge 5 bedroom house, with her 3 cars and building another house. jealous rant, apologies

I wanted to have a mum who I could cry to. When I had my breakdown I just wanted a 'Mum Cuddle' The cuddles that I know others have. It's hard to just get over it. I'm trying. I look at DD and think HOW? I could never leave DD like she did. Especially as a new mum.

paperchase0verdone Sun 15-May-16 15:28:15

Why do I cry every time I think of her? That's what bugs me. I cry for her still? I cry when we talk about her. I cry when I think of her. I wish I could turn of the taps and not cry like this. But it hurts. It swaps from anger to hurt. Damn, I do need a life. 10 years later and it is still raw.

bettawithpancetta Sun 15-May-16 15:35:16

I think it sounds like you've had a really hard time and done amazingly well. You have every right to feel let down. When she plays victim it just works to make YOU feel bad when you're the one who has been hurt. I think you should just focus on mothering yourself from now on so she can't let you down and don't run to her aid as you have in the past.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 15-May-16 15:38:56

I gave a rubbish relationship with my Mother, she buggered off when I was 15 and left me and my two younger siblings for another man. No1 in her life was her and we were secondary to her own happiness.

It wasn't until my own kids reached teen hood that my anger really hold and I couldn't bear to look at her when I think of how selfish she was.

I rarely give her a thought these days, she's only 10 minutes up the road but we don't keep in touch, I saw her in town yesterday but turned the other way before she spotted me.

I'm sorry that you still cry and get upset by your Mum's actions.

emmalimesmom Sun 15-May-16 15:51:40

my mom left when i was young she left and never looked back
ive been in contact with her for about the last 10 years not as mother and daughter more a distant relative, that ship sailed a long time ago
i dont feel angry towards her in fact i dont feel anything put it this way if i had a phone call saying shes had an accident and was in hospital i wouldnt drop everything and visit her i'd go when it suited me
i visit about twice a year i know she would like to see me more but then i would of liked to have seen her as a child
what comes around goes around
oh and op , theres no way i would of picked her up from the airport your a better person than i am

Gatehouse77 Sun 15-May-16 16:19:09

It's shit, isn't it?

When I realised that my father thought so little of me, my mother and siblings I decided that he was someone whose opinions, values and scruples meant nothing to me. Why should I look up to and respect someone who had such disregard for me? Why should I keep trying to 'please' someone who actually took zero interest in me and my life? Who never took the time to get to know me.

It's understandable that it still makes you angry but, and here's the tough part, only you can let go of that anger.

I did and, frankly, it was liberating! I considered it his loss, not mine. I am the person I am despite him not because of him. He may have fathered me but he has never been a father to me. I don't seek his approval, advice or expect anything from him.

I was estranged from my father for many years but got back in touch a few years ago. He's still a shit dad and even shittier grandfather. His 'other' children have been raised completely differently from myself and my siblings. They're spoilt brats in comparison. One of my DC was in hospital recently and apart from an initial text did not once check up on how she was doing. Was I surprised? Sadly, no. And that pretty much sums it up...

paperchase0verdone Sun 15-May-16 16:44:30

My DP thinks that I shouldn't give her the time of day either. But understands why I feel the way I do about her.
Maybe if I had my dad around it would be easier to let go?
I don't know. I just really wanted to feel wanted. Wanted to feel loved. I'm nearly 30 and sound like a teenager.
I'm sounding jealous I know, maybe (again) that is such a child thing to feel. I look at my friends with their mums, seeing them push their GC around, help when the mum is struggling. I struggled and had to just deal with it.

I'm annoyed as I truly was/am a good daughter blow my own horn there All that my mum has done, as stated, I still dropped my life to pick her up. Was even going to take her back to the airport!! I didn't but it was a close call. Again DP wasn't all for it but lets me do what I need/want to do. I just want a family I can go to, I want a mum I can go to and have a drink, meet up at Christmas, summer holidays etc. I don't have anyone
Maybe that's the stem of needing some stupid woman who has never put us first. I just feel like I'm going in circles with it all. Wish I could just switch it all off sad

HighDataUsage Sun 15-May-16 17:08:46

This is not something you can get over, your mother abandoned you in favour of her new family. There are lots of emotions that need to be addressed before you are able to move forward in your own life. As others have said counselling would be very beneficial.

A letter to your mum outlining all the reasons for your anger may help you move forward. You could just copy and post your op with a few amendments. What stands out to me is the dishonesty and lack of respect that your mum has towards ou. She lied to you by saying she was going n holiday but in reality she emigrated. She didn't have the courage to say that she was leaving for good.

Good luck op, I wish you well.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe Sun 15-May-16 17:21:49

Op I really feel for you and others who've had the experience of such a selfish, unloving mum. One of my closest friends has this relationship with her mother and I can see the damage sad

Unfortunately I reckon that part of the reason this still messes you up is because you keep trying, you keep hoping she will change or that you will manage to find the right words to finally make her understand and then become the mum you deserve.

It's totally understandable that you do this, I think it's human nature really, but the thing is you will never ever get from this woman what you need. It just won't happen. Because there are no right words to make her understand or make her want to be what you need. The problem really is her! I know it's easier said than done but if you can accept that you may find it easier to disengage or to not feel as hurt by her words and actions. Hopefully the counselling you are having might help with this flowers

TiredOfSleep Sun 15-May-16 17:39:50

It's v difficult but you need to emotionally let this go and try to distance yourself and forgive her. Someone once gave me the analogy of fishhook you think your anger is like a fishhook in the other person connecting them to you, but actually you have the hook hurting you. They are oblivious. Every time you manage to forgive them for something small, a hook comes out of you until you can live your life without hurting.

ScarlettSahara Sun 15-May-16 18:25:48

OP You still feel angry & upset because you have experienced a loss similar to a bereavement ( a mother's presence & unconditional love & support) & yet she is not dead so it is hard for you to accept & grieve. I don't know how long you have been having CBT but yes it does work but can take many months if not longer. ( Everyone is different). Sometimes you may not click with a particular counsellor / therapist & only you can judge that but it is perfectly ok to ask to see someone else if that s how you feel.
You are also incredibly strong to have gone through all that & be still standing. How do you get on with your nan? Is she still with you & able to offer support?
So sorry for all you posters who have been throught this.

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