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AIBU or is DP regarding a visit from my parents

(108 Posts)
coralpig Sat 14-May-16 21:29:35

My DP and I have clashed over this.

He doesn't like my parents- probably legitimately so - but I think he can be quite childish about it.
My parents would like to come visit our city in July. There's a complicated living situation with me and my partner due to an overlap in tenancy agreements.
I rent a flat and my parents will be staying there with me for a maximum of 3 days.

My partner (soon to be husband) and I have recently bought a house and he lives there full time. I move there in the autumn when my tenancy ends.
They will be staying in my rental flat but visiting the house during the day.

My parents live far away and would love to see the house. My mum has an insanely busy schedule juggling full time work and caring for my grandma as well as being a mum to my younger brother. They're having building work done and my dad has been helping with this. That means the time when they can give up a few days is very limited. My partner knows this.

I've been on the phone to my mum to ask when they'll be coming up and she said between the 8th and 30th of July (exact dates tbc). I said that's fine but please give us lots of notice.

I told my partner just now and he got very angry as he has exams that whole month. I should have known this because it's in our calendar and they should not visit then. I'm cross and think it's very unreasonable for him to write off an entire month when they can't come especially as they hardly bombard us with visits (this is the first time in over a year) and they won't even be staying in the same in the same house as him. Of course they'd like to see him but it'll
Probably be for a meal in the evenings at most and not necessarily each night.

AIBU or is he?

coralpig Sat 14-May-16 21:31:13

The to clarify, he has 4 exams that month 3 in mid July and one the week after that.

Lilaclily Sat 14-May-16 21:31:41

He is being unreasonable as long as you don't expect him to go out for dinner the night before an exam

araiba Sat 14-May-16 21:33:10

if its already in the calendar then your parents need to arrange another time

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Sat 14-May-16 21:33:10

He's making excuses, just say to your parents that unfortunately he isn't available due to revision timetable but they're welcome to come see the house, will he be at work in the day or he could be out doing food shopping? It's unrealistic that he'd be revising 24/7!

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 14-May-16 21:47:51

He doesn't like my parents- probably legitimately so - but I think he can be quite childish about it. This needs some explaining!

DoreenLethal Sat 14-May-16 21:58:42

Wow. Totally unreasonable of him.

Why doesn't he like them though?

CocktailQueen Sat 14-May-16 22:04:39

The most impt thing here is why doesn't your p like your parents? And would you be happy with this continuing for years? I'd hate it if dh didn't like my parents and didn't want them to come and stay with us.

If you marry, have dc etc, this will get a lot worse.

He is being u to cancel a whole month of social activity for exams. If he's revising, surely it's a good time for parents to visit and see you? Not him?

Is he controlling about other things?

araiba Sat 14-May-16 22:04:55

time with people i have a good reason not to like or studying for important exams?

what to choose, what to choose?

if dp has already told you, you need to tell you parents you forgot about it and july is not convenient

limon Sat 14-May-16 22:08:26

YABU. It'd already in the calendar and you knew about the exams. Your parents will have to visit at a time when he doesn't have exams.

dillydotty Sat 14-May-16 22:09:03

It really does depend on what the issue is with your parents. I limit the time OH has to spend with my family as they can be difficult. He only puts up a token fight for the times I do want him there.

Naicehamshop Sat 14-May-16 22:09:05

Tell him to get over himself - no one revises 24/7 and they will not even be in the same house as him!!

dillydotty Sat 14-May-16 22:11:13

I would ask him to make himself available for a couple of hours on one day. Then you can spend plenty of time with your parents whilst he is revising. Surely you will be on your own for much of the time otherwise?

coralpig Sat 14-May-16 22:11:49

They're challenging characters- quite old fashioned in their views and my mum can be quite overbearing. They adore him though.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 14-May-16 22:13:18

My parents live far away and would love to see the house. My mum has an insanely busy schedule juggling full time work and caring for my grandma as well as being a mum to my younger brother. They're having building work done and my dad has been helping with this. That means the time when they can give up a few days is very limited.

Is any of this your or his problem?

If your parents coming down during 'important' exams is going to cause him extra stress then they and you ABU.

araiba Sat 14-May-16 22:14:27

are they planning on visiting the house every day they are staying with you?

if its just half an hour to look round once and have a cup of tea, that should be doable. but anything more, they can rearrange to one of the remaining 11 months of the year

maxmaxdress Sat 14-May-16 22:27:47

I do not mean this to come out in any other way then helpful- so apologises if it doesn't.

Why, exactly, do your parents need to see lots of your boyfriend? It's an important time for him- surely a cup of tea while looking round the house and maybe one meal would suffice? I think that's a reasonable compromise and if your boyfriend isn't willing to do that YANBU. I think expecting to see them everyday is a bit much.

Otherwise spend sometime with your parents- as you said yourself, their free time is limited.

Wolfiefan Sat 14-May-16 22:29:47

Old fashioned in their views? Like how?

Ameliablue Sat 14-May-16 22:34:31

I would I've him 2 options:
1. They visit in July on the understanding he will be busy studying do they won't see much of him.
2. They visit at another time and he has to be prepared to socialise with them much more if the time.

HeddaGarbled Sat 14-May-16 22:37:51

You could take them to visit the house while he is out sitting his exams.

But really, are you going to spend the rest of your married life having these arguments and trying to keep your parents and husband apart? What will happen at the wedding, Christmas, if you have children etc?

You need to get this sorted before you get married or you are heading for a lifetime of arguments and resentment and anger.

silvermantela Sat 14-May-16 22:42:25

Unless you are expecting him to spend hours with them, or if they end up visiting the exact day of the exam, then he is being U to expect you to write off most of a month for the sake of two days, which will realistically be a few hours at the house one day, then maybe a meal out the next. They are not staying with him so can't see how them being in the same general area will feasibly cause him any great disruption - and surely he wouldn't be revising 24/7 every single day for a whole month anyway.

If he starts out like this can see him using increasingly feeble excuses to explain why your parents can't visit for the rest of your relationship, tbh.

foursillybeans Sat 14-May-16 22:42:41

They only need to visit the house once surely? It really shouldn't be a problem if you take them over to see the house one afternoon and plan a meal that night.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Sat 14-May-16 22:44:59

I find some of my in laws exhausting company and I definitely wouldn't welcome seeing them if I was busy and stressed revising for an important exam. They are hard work to get along with and I feel shattered after they leave.

When I'm stressed about a big exam I really need peaceful, relaxing evenings to chill out and sleep well for the next day's revision. I would hate to have an awkward dinner making strained conversation instead, if it could be avoided.

If they want to come in July I would explain that your boyfriend will be busy revising, and either pop over to the house for a tour when he is out, or have a quick cup of tea with him, or say they can see the house next time.

PalmerViolet Sat 14-May-16 22:56:43

I have exams during June, if my DH had his DM up to stay in that time, I'd be really angry.


ChicRock Sat 14-May-16 23:00:54


Why is it ok for your parents to dictate the dates of their visit around their 'insanely busy schedule' but it's not ok for your partner to prefer them to visit when he's not insanely busy studying and taking exams?

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