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Mother In Law problems, please help me.

(143 Posts)
leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:02:02

Hello.
I am due to get married in about a week, me and my partner both have a 3 year old daughter.
His mum has always been a bit snidey and off with me since day 1 - my partner tells me it's because I'm not successful and all of the other numerous reasons (excuses) he's told me over the years.

I will try to cut this short.

I've been with her son now for nearly 8 years. In the beginning me and his mum weren't close, she would often make remarks, and buy me presents that basically took the piss Eg a top that was XL when I was only a size 10 at the time. I always laughed it off and never tried to take much notice at the little comments and digs.

Since my daughter was born, she instantly tried to take control. she would take her off me and stand in the corner of the room rocking her to sleep in front of her whole family and leave me there wanting my baby back but not having the balls to say it at the time. Then came picture taking, she would leave me out of the shot whilst taking a pic of my DP and our daughter - that day we drove home and I cried all the way. I couldn't believe how horrible she was being.
Since then its ''oh she gets that off my son'' ''oh she gets that from my daughter'' blah blah blah, its like I never gave birth to her.

She has an issue with telling us how we should parent our daughter, and told us we needed to put her into childcare so that she could play with other children her own age (at the time I wasn't comfortable with it, as we'd just taken her out of a different nursery she had been in for a year) my partner said we didn't want to her answer was ''well I think she needs to go''

So one day I decided to write a message on Facebook, sending it to her, detailing how upset I was with her little digs and basically excluding me all of the time. WELL... she went barmy! she rang her husband, rang my partner, got her daughter... her daughter was sending my partner (her brother) messages saying ''have you seen what such and such is saying about mum'' and was copy and pasting all of the messages I had sent over to him. She tried to bully me into apologising and started twisting it around victimising herself and bringing up incidents (that I apparently caused) that never happened saying its all my fault and I'm the trouble maker.

I've come to realise she's is a covert narcissist. She chose to ignore me for a further two months, even when on several occasions I tried to ring and talk to her, to even apologise for how I may have approached talking to her about it. she excluded from inviting me around for xmas and invited my daughter and her son only. I was very lucky that my partner said no and we had xmas at home instead. She didn't like that and refused to bring our daughters presents around stating that she wanted to watch her open them at hers so they went around on boxing day instead - without me.

I eventually caved, through all of the emotional torment and full on apologised, she then rang up my partner and said ''I read her message I saw it as her apologising, so I accept her apology but I will still give advice and suggestions where I see fit''

I don't know If I can tolerate her anymore, I cant tell if I'm being pathetic or if she's gas lighting me..... I feel so beaten and trodden on emotionally, mentally. She has made comments about how brown hair is horrible (my hair is dark brown) and that my daughters hair comes from her because her hair is blonde.... She has said this to my face.

Am I being unreasonable here, am I being pathetic and just nit picking stupid things? I feel like I never used to do this, its only been since my daughter than I noticed it getting worse.

There is so much more I can add on here about her but I wont as its long enough already and I promised to cut it as short as possible!

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:04:08

Sorry I should add that, when I told her we were getting married (weve been engaged for 5 years) her jaw dropped and the look of disgust on her face set in .... She then went home, skyped my partner and screamed at him saying why wasn't she invited... after Id just told her that he was worried she would scream at him because we were having a private wedding.

As you can guess, she's officially invited herself and I'm so upset. I just can't win, if I say something, she twists it and says its me causing trouble. I don't even want her at the wedding...

Nanny0gg Sat 14-May-16 16:06:40

Then your partner needs to tell her so.

YokoUhOh Sat 14-May-16 16:09:44

Where is your DH in this? He should be supporting you, not letting you deal with this toxic woman on your own.

Completely withdraw. No contact. Block her and her minions on Facebook/on your phone. Let your DH see her. Your DD should not be exposed to her poisonous exploits. Whether or not DH comes around to your way of thinking, this is how to protect yourself and your daughter.

gabsdot Sat 14-May-16 16:09:59

Are you not inviting anyone to your wedding? Fair enough, it's your choice but if you're inviting any other family then surely your partner would like his mother there, even if you don't.

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:10:03

He has tried to talk to her, she sniggered when he gave her examples of how she had been but still refused to apologise and still blamed me for upsetting her.

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:10:53

Gabsdot no none of my family are coming. He never wanted his parents there either.

Woobeedoo Sat 14-May-16 16:11:19

Your partner needs to take your side and stand up for his future wife. Does he know how much this affects you?

You should not have apologised to her, this has now given her the total upper hand, she knows she will always win now.

If you don't want her at the wedding, then tell her exactly why. And don't apologise afterwards.

My MIL is a grade 1 piece of work too, it was only after accidentally catching one of her incredible insults on camera that my OH actually believed me and took her to task on it. She apologised but has since started to go back to her old ways so I've cut her out if my life and it feels so bloody good.

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:12:24

I have tried to withdraw, she still comes to have my daughter every weekend. I would never stop contact from her seeing her, that's not fair on my daughter though I do appreciate she can be toxic. She is also a good grandmother.

YokoUhOh Sat 14-May-16 16:14:35

It is fair on your DD. She is a shocking grandparent. What's not fair is letting your MIL drop poison in her ear about you. Please stop letting her have your daughter: you have the final say here.

TheFuckersBitingMe Sat 14-May-16 16:14:51

Are you sure you want to marry someone who won't stand up to his parents? If you're not having your family, why does he need his? (Although I'll concede it's a little odd having no parents at all at a wedding unless they're all complete bollocks?). If she sniggers when he talks to her seriously, I honestly think you and he both need to present a united front and stand together in this. If he won't, I'd consider going NC and letting him deal with everything. She's a arsehole and he's a bigger one for never having the guts to stand up to her.

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:15:08

Woobeedoo - I wish I was as brave as you are. He often switches sides, sometimes he takes hers and sometimes he takes mine. Though I get the sensation he wishes he weren't involved. I have tried to explain how it makes me feel, he has tried to talk to her but has failed to get her to understand.

I believe that a covert narcissist is somebody who sees no wrong in themselves and therefore she would never admit to being horrible. only right.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 14-May-16 16:15:51

Give her the wrong date and the wrong location. Or just tell her outright that your wedding is a private affair and she's not welcome.

Then, once that's sunk in you need to cut her out of your lives like the cancer she is.

There is no appeasing someone so vile and intent on causing you pain and anguish. She needs to be kept RIGHT AWAY from your child. Forever

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:16:32

TheFuckersBitingMe I don't think having a private wedding is odd, we just didn't want to make a big show out of it but yes both parents are complete bollocks too. lol. He has tried to talk to her, its actually her that doesn't want to listen. It's his mum I'm not going to tell him he cant be involved with her anymore am I.

flumpybear Sat 14-May-16 16:17:49

Your partner needs to support you properly, at the moment he isn't X

Woobeedoo Sat 14-May-16 16:18:43

Uh uh, I don't believe for one minute she's a good grandmother. When your daughter is older what exactly is this woman going to be saying to your little girl about you? How do you know she's not already pouring poison into your daughters ear?

After Video Gate, as a family we cut all contact and my OH told her precisely why she wasn't seeing our child. She pushes it with the bile and barbed comments (before I cut my contact with her) but she knows if she pushes it too far, end of contact and this time for good. Cruel but I'm at the stage where I don't give a shit.

rainbowstardrops Sat 14-May-16 16:19:27

She sounds like my MIL!!! I put up with snidey comments for years and years until one day I just completely snapped when she undermined me in front of my DS.

Unfortunately my 'D'H doesn't stick up for me at all when it comes to disagreeing with his family and now we're as good as finished.

Please don't leave it as long as I did and I also hope your partner backs you up smile

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:19:49

flumpybear do you think so? even though he has made attempts to talk to her about it. Albeit after I sent those messages confronting her. I think a part of me knows he could try harder, but I don't think he can be arsed with it. She's poisoned him as well, his whole life, he has been made to feel like a complete failure through his teens, he now chooses to ignore her wishes and basically just agrees to disagree.

YokoUhOh Sat 14-May-16 16:19:53

But you're his family now, and his focus should be on protecting you. He's chosen you as his wife, he's lumped with her as a useless mother. He can choose to put distance between him and his mum in order to protect you and your daughter.

RaeSkywalker Sat 14-May-16 16:20:58

Your partner needs it stand up for you. And she's not a good grandmother if she's constantly making digs at you in front of your child. Unfortunately your apology has probably just given strength to your MILs 'cause'. Keep calling her on her behaviour and do not apologise again.

My PILs are horrible people and are NC. They kept saying "but we will always tell you want we think, ok?!" No, when what you 'think' is a complete character assassination of me, it's not ok.

RaeSkywalker Sat 14-May-16 16:21:37

As in, we are NC with PILs.

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:22:04

Woobeedoo She has already started saying stuff about me to her, even in front of me, she does it in this weird way, like talking through my daughter but it targets me if that makes sense?
I did tell my partner I was worried about what she might say to our daughter as she grows up, I am honestly worried and concerned.
I need to get to that stage of don't give a shit too, you have a backbone and right now I don't I need to grow one.

leelou905 Sat 14-May-16 16:25:53

Guys you are right. She is not a good grandparent if she's doing this in front of our daughter and my daughter is only 3 but comes home telling me all the stuff grandma has been saying to her.
It's not actually anything malicious, but it tends to be very focused about her family and oh yeah... She's been manipulating my daughter into liking ballet? she went and researched a dance place, the teacher and everything and came to us with it all saying she wants her to do ballet.. We said no because we wanted to look into gymnastics for her, but she's been teaching her how to do pirouettes and forcing her to watch Angelina ballerina... Is that a bit weird?

BillSykesDog Sat 14-May-16 16:26:25

She sounds awful. Would your DP agree to go total NC?

EatsShitAndLeaves Sat 14-May-16 16:27:02

To repeat a well used phrase: you don't have a MIL problem you have a DP problem.

Firstly, start by reassuring yourself that this behaviour on her part is not normal or acceptable.

Isolating and bullying your grandchild's mother excludes and negates any positive behaviours. She cannot be classed as either a good parent or grandparent whilst fuelling this dynamic.

You need to lay down what you feel is acceptable to your DP and then don't waiver from that.

I'd start with the ultimatum that if she is at the wedding then you won't be ie it's off. Stick to that come hell or high water. If she turns up on the day, walk out.

As for the rest then quite simply I'd go no contact with her and massively restrict her access to your child. She's toxic and your DD should not be exposed to that. If you can't be there for visits then your DD doesn't go.

If she is bullying to you during a visit you leave there and then.

You don't justify yourself - you don't have to. Define your boundaries and stick to them and if your DP can't live with that then I think you should cancel the wedding anyway.

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