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my son is 48, but totally lost

(250 Posts)
dunnowhatsbest Sat 14-May-16 15:17:02

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

ImperialBlether Sat 14-May-16 15:19:55

I don't understand. His girlfriend was on benefits and wanted her child to go to private school? Why on earth did he go along with that? He must have earned a hell of a lot of money to be able to do that - surely nobody would loan him money year after year for that?

You'll have to tell him he can't stay with you and that you have no money all. I know it will be hard but he's got to sort this out for himself.

ImperialBlether Sat 14-May-16 15:20:22

Has he been working for the last four years?

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sat 14-May-16 15:21:07

Well, it all sounds a bit strange - what has he been doing whilst living with his sister?

ghostyslovesheep Sat 14-May-16 15:21:28

you say NO

I don't think a lot of his problems are to do with a 'divorced older woman' (nice) who 'became pregnant (I am assuming this didn't happen by magic and your son was involved)

I think his problems may come from you constantly making excuses for him and bailing him out - he is an adult man - he was at 21 - he needs to stand on his own 2 feet - sorry x

TheFairyCaravan Sat 14-May-16 15:25:26

None of this makes sense.

GaynorGoodwin Sat 14-May-16 15:26:15

Then he expects too much. Not only to live with you but then to expect you to support him...he's having a laugh in my opinion. You need to get your heads together (you and your hubby) discuss how you can 'help' him to then help himself. At the age he's at he shouldn't be worrying you both like this at all, totally unfair. Once you've decided how you can help him (a little) be clear with him and then stick to it smile

dunnowhatsbest Sat 14-May-16 15:33:41

thank you for your replies so quickly.
(of course he had a 50%50 part in becoming a father) and he did his best in financial support for both his son and mother of his child.

I definitely didn't make excuses for him, going to live with his sister was a last resort for him.
he worked for his sister, but the reason he is penniless now is that he continued financing his son, who is now on a masters degree.
I visualise him arriving at Gatwick airport, with a suitcase, and this time next year he is still living with me.

BillSykesDog Sat 14-May-16 15:35:23

Why can't he get a job and his own place here?

DinosaursRoar Sat 14-May-16 15:35:26

Oh op, you do sound like you've tried your best but your ds has never quite managed to grow up and take responsibility for himself. Has he been working while living overseas?

It sounds like he thinks life happens to him, not something he has any control over, and it's your job to fix his problems - it's not.

You don't have to have him to stay, if he knew he had a 4 year visa that can't be extended then he should have been planning for his return, but again, has lived for now with no planning and then expecting other people to fix it.

What does your daughter think?

At the most, I would offer a sum for first months rent somewhere, but frankly by 48, he should be able to sort himself out. He's chosing not to because you /others will look after him.

DinosaursRoar Sat 14-May-16 15:37:07

If he's given all his money to his son, that was his choice.

If you think he won't leave, don't let him move in.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 14-May-16 15:39:57

Um - his own son is now 27, by this reckoning - can your son not go and stay with him for a bit?

juneau Sat 14-May-16 15:41:57

Its time he stood on his own two feet OP. TBH you've had a big hand in creating the mess he's in by paying for him so much in the past. If he'd got a solicitor when he was 21 to get him proper court-mandated access to his DS then his ex-GF would've had to play ball, rather than blackmailing him in the manner she did. She was only able to do that because you bank-rolled him, enabling him to hand over all his wages to her.

Anyway, I think you have to have a frank talk with him. Tell him that at 48 he really needs to start paying his own way. His debts are his problem and they're only yours if you allow him to make them so (which, in the past, you have). Time for some tough love or this hopeless man-child will be sponging off you and living in your spare room forever more. Be firm. Put your foot down and tell him its high time he fended for himself in the manner befitting a man of his age.

WriteforFun1 Sat 14-May-16 15:42:07

OP if you are worried he will move in, I agree, don't let him in in the first place

Why isn't his visa being renewed?

Thing is, he does have work history so can apply for jobs

Another possibility, if you can afford it and cope with it, if you think you need help round the house and with your husband, is to let him move in to do that type of thing. But of course I realise you might not want that.

Whatever you do, don't let him move in and do nothing.

dunnowhatsbest Sat 14-May-16 15:45:25

with no credit history here he would be unable to get a rental property , he is penniless anyway.
he has always been the same. everything goes over his head.

my daughter said he will have to sort it out for himself, (I think she is fed up with him, she provided a roof over his head/food/car)
I will tell him tonight until he has arranged accommodation for himself there is nothing more I can do .

DinosaursRoar Sat 14-May-16 15:50:08

He can sort himself out you know, it just will take you saying now so he can get on with it. He's effectively made you and his sister fund his sons masters.

silverpenny Sat 14-May-16 15:50:52

We did he pay for private school as the women "demanded"? If he could afford that then he must have had a reasonable job which he can do again?

dunnowhatsbest Sat 14-May-16 15:52:16

yes, his son is still studying a masters degree, on campus , so my son couldn't go there.

I advised him to take the legal route re access to his baby son, but his ex partner simply threatened him that she would refuse him access, even that she would move to Australia!
I don't feel guilty that I am dreading him coming back to the uk, I am facing reality.
I shall be direct and to the point with him later.

msrisotto Sat 14-May-16 15:53:59

Of course your daughter is correct, he will have to sort it out for himself. Goodness me, he's 48, is he ever going to take responsibility for himself?? This is ridiculous. He won't if other people do it for him.

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sat 14-May-16 15:55:13

Well yes, but from the sounds of things you sent him to LIVE with your daughter!

Sorry but this is making me cross. It's all very woe-is-me, how will I cope, but you were apparently happy for someone else too!!

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism Sat 14-May-16 15:57:16

I think his ex has been blamed for his life choices for long enough now.
Perhaps blaming the ex for everything that's wrong in his life is why he's still so helpless?
That's probably the first thing that needs to stop all round

dunnowhatsbest Sat 14-May-16 15:57:27

the mother of his child did "demand" private school fees, with threats of withholding access.
he told her when his son was 13 that he was in debt and couldn't pay anymore, but the reply was that she would tell the son it was all his fathers fault that he had to move schools, so he continued paying leaving him with the debts he has today.
* that is just the main point, he did have a reasonably paid job, but not enough to cover maintenance/ school fees/ and his own living arrangements.

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sat 14-May-16 15:59:09

Ok so I can see it's pointless going back in time so to speak but why was bundling him off abroad the answer?

ItsJustAnotherUsername Sat 14-May-16 16:00:00

Sounds like his only option is to rent a room in a flat share or private LL, not all do credit checks. He will of course need a deposit though.

dunnowhatsbest Sat 14-May-16 16:01:53

no, not at all, my daughter was happy to have her brother with her.
she was the one who arranged visas etc.
not all woe-is-me, we simply thought as a family we should support each other as much as we could, but it has come to crunch time now.
he has made very poor choices despite being advised by others, so now he has to stand up and be counted.

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