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to this DH is doing this deliberately?

(65 Posts)
Shamalamalam Fri 13-May-16 11:21:04

I struggle with insomnia and this week has been pretty bad, I'm on the verge of either bursting into tears or properly losing my shit so I'm not feeling particularly reasonable right now.

DH is a right pain in the arse at bedtime. He can't just get into bed and, if I'm already asleep he wakes me up every fucking time.

Last night I took myself off for a bath and an early night, I got into bed about 9ish and fell asleep fairly quickly. DH had been watching a film downstairs and came up about midnight.

He came up, to be fair didn't turn the bedroom lights on but did leave the landing light on and the door open so the light is right in my face. Then goes into our ensuite, again leaving the door open so the light is right in my face. Has a wee, flushes the loo, drops his trousers on the tiled floor so his belt clatters, comes into our bedroom and bashes his knee on the end of the bed so it shakes, throws the duvet back, then pretty much flings himself at the bed before fidgeting, leaping around and flapping the duvet about "getting comfortable"

By this time, I'm wide awake, I've had a couple of hours sleep so I've no chance of dropping back off.

This morning we had a row about it. I lost my temper and accused him of doing it deliberately and he's now all offended.

I've asked him about 65 million times to get into bed like a normal person and explained why but he still continues with this performance every night so as far as I'm concerned he's either doing it deliberately to wake me up, or being selfish in the way he "gets comfortable".

Either way, he's being an arsehole.

I don't care what he does if I'm awake, but he knows I'm not the worlds best sleeper so is it that unreasonable to expect him to get into bed quietly and gently when I'm already asleep?

AnotherEmma Fri 13-May-16 11:23:23

YANBU, this would make me murderous!
I would be telling him that if he can't be quiet and considerate he can sleep in a separate room.

pinkyredrose Fri 13-May-16 11:23:47

That's insane, why would he do that when youve asked him not to?! Does he mot believe you have insomnia or is he just an arsehole?

RubbleBubble00 Fri 13-May-16 11:25:10

Sleep in a different room

PaulAnkaTheDog Fri 13-May-16 11:25:25

He needs to make more of an effort but you need to not throw unfair accusations around. I'd be offended if I were him.

Shamalamalam Fri 13-May-16 11:25:45

I don't think he really gets it to be honest.

He's asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

99 times out of 100 I'm still awake anyway so he can prat about to his hearts content, but when I'm already asleep it makes me want to kill him

TeaStory Fri 13-May-16 11:30:18

Deliberate or not, it's shitty behaviour. IMO thoughtlessness can be just as bad as doing something on purpose - he just doesn't care.

I'm not surprised you lost your temper - lack of refreshing sleep is bed enough without him being an arsehole and waking you up. I'd second the advice to sleep in a separate room if you can.

LizardBreath Fri 13-May-16 11:32:02

My husband is like this. Cannot get into bed without banging about, his parents are similar though. Just loud (not vocally) when doing anything. Some people just are I think, whereas I am the opposite. It drives me mad!!

AnotherEmma Fri 13-May-16 11:32:43

No no no. HE should sleep in a separate room.

You shouldn't have to move out of your bedroom because he's an inconsiderate arse.

BibbtyBobbityFeckOff Fri 13-May-16 11:36:58

I'm in the same position Op.

Dp will stroll in, dump clothes, mess about with chargers and sockets, dive into the bed, mess with pillows and finally go through the cover on or off debate before settling down. But the worst part, which really really annoys me is that even if I sleep through all that, he will kiss me on the forehead. Which. Always. Wakes. Me. Up.

He thinks he is being loving and caring, I think he's an arse. It takes me forever to get back to sleep and I wake up at stupid o'clock for work. angry

whois Fri 13-May-16 11:39:08

I can't believe people are so inconsiderate as to basically be noisy and shine lights onto a sleeping partner. Total lack of respect.

scallopsrgreat Fri 13-May-16 11:43:55

I don't think you are throwing unfair accusations around. He knows it is inconsiderate yet he still does it. What could be more deliberate than that.


Ceilinglight Fri 13-May-16 11:46:09

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but if you think he will never change then you need to find an alternative arrangement that lets you get some sleep, even if it's only in the short term. Once you catch up on sleep you can discuss it with him again. Sleeping in another room might be a good idea for a short while

fatsowhale Fri 13-May-16 11:46:15

He needs to go to bed at the same time as you - whatever time that is. Completely unreasonable behaviour.

Do you have a spare room?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 13-May-16 11:48:27

I can't believe his behaviour isn't deliberate and that would lead me to think he is a nasty/spiteful/selfish man.

Show him the thread

skankingpiglet Fri 13-May-16 11:54:10

My DH did/does this, although I didn't find it quite as annoying as you (I don't suffer from insomnia though so would be back asleep pretty quickly). My cure for it has been DD... We have a 'you wake the child, you fix it policy' and it has taught him to go to bed much more quietly grin It might be an extreme solution, but perhaps worth considering if it's that bad? (Or less extreme borrow a friend's light sleeper, I'm sure they'd happily hand them over for a few nights)

Shamalamalam Fri 13-May-16 11:55:43

We don't have a spare room unfortunately.

I take myself off downstairs if I'm having a bad night - I find our sofa quite comfy

He thinks he's being quite considerate - he leaves the landing light on so he can see what he's doing without turning the bedroom lights on, but if he just shut the door a tiny bit it would block the light.

I think coming to bed at the same time as me, or before, is the only way forward if he can't stop leaping around.

He's a very fidgety person, I can't sit on the sofa with him as he constantly jigs and fidgets and it drives me nuts, he's always on the move, even when he's asleep

Osolea Fri 13-May-16 11:55:52

I don't think it sounds like he's doing anything terrible, and he is getting into bed like a normal person.

The problem seems to be that you'd struggle to sleep with anyone unless they tiptoed around barely able to move, because you need complete dark and silence to be able to sleep. I think you have to recognise that this problem isn't solely down to his behaviour.

Either way, you need to find a solution, have you got a spare room?

gandalf456 Fri 13-May-16 11:59:10

I think that sometimes you don't realise you are making as much noise as you are making. I also think that the more you try to be quiet, the more it goes wrong. I know I am like this. I will try to tiptoe around then stub my toe or something...

My DH also goes to bed much earlier than I do (between 9 and 10). I wouldn't go to bed that early because I just wouldn't be able to get to sleep. I have just got rid of DD and I need to unwind with the TV for at least an hour. I stay up until I feel really sleepy (between 11 and 12) and then pop into bed and sleep straightaway.

My theory is that he goes to bed too early which is partly why he wakes up so easily and tends to sleep so lightly through the entire night.

Lweji Fri 13-May-16 11:59:17

You could consider locking the door when you go to bed, so he has to sleep downstairs if he can't get to bed without waking you up.
It's simple things to mind the light on your face, use another toilet and carefully put down his trousers. No big deal. And he should be sufficiently mindful.

wigglesrock Fri 13-May-16 12:01:39

Why does he need to go to bed at the same time? - "whatever time that is". I couldn't go to bed and sleep at 9pm.

He needs to stop being inconsiderate and I think he is being inconsiderate. My husband works odd shifts - coming in at 3am, leaving at 5am. We've done some bits and pieces that help - he leaves clothes out in the landing so he doesn't get dressed in the bedroom, he doesn't put the light on in the ensuite.

pinkdelight Fri 13-May-16 12:02:40

"He needs to go to bed at the same time as you - whatever time that is."

What a crackers declaration! He can go to bed whenever he wants to. He should definitely be more considerate, and ideally you should sleep separately when you're suffering. There's no harm in that - me and DH have slept apart all this week so we can catch up on some quality kip. However I don't think your DH is deliberately doing it and what he's done isn't so outrageous. From past experience, it can be pretty annoying having a partner who is a light sleeper, just the way you've described his actions shows how strung out and irrational you're feeling, so I'd say it's neither of you being deliberately unreasonable. Just one of those situations where lack of sleep is amplifying issues. So sleep apart then you can catch up and he can got to bed when he chooses and potter to his heart's content.

spiderlight Fri 13-May-16 12:04:30

That is really inconsiderate. If I'm going through a patch of sleeping badly and my DH comes up and finds me asleep, he takes himself off to sleep on the futon in the other room.

winchester1 Fri 13-May-16 12:04:53

Could he get undressed etc in the family bathroom, have separate quilts so his faffing isn't making you cold, and swap sides so he is on the door side of the bed.
If he literally walks in and to the bed and get in and still wakes you, you could use ear plugs and a mask as well.

fassone Fri 13-May-16 12:05:05

This is what you need to do, today.
Get yourself a box of Quies earplugs. No others will do. It must be Quies. They are the best.
Get yourself a soft, comfy eye shade.

These things alone will help you. I had the most horrific insomnia and they helped me.

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