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AIBU for being unsympathetic towards his situation?

(19 Posts)
Jannerite Thu 12-May-16 17:15:55

My brother recently, about 6 weeks ago, moved in to a house with his girlfriend. They’re renting and her mother was due to move in with them, which I believe she has now done. They were short of money when they decided to move in together and so asked my parents for help financially. He originally asked my mum to take out a loan, which annoyed me, but she said no.

My parents said that they’d help out with SOME of the money, but couldn’t afford to pay it all. This was only supposed to ever be a loan, but my brother doesn’t generally pay back loaned money. My mum gave £350, which was pretty much all she was going to give them, pretty early on to help with the fees and stuff, and my dad was going to help out with the first month’s rent. It turned out that out of the £2-ish-K that it cost them to move in that my brother and his girlfriend had £100 to put towards it. angry That annoyed me, but what annoyed me most was a day, or two, before they were due to move in he asked my mum for some more money.. My mum agreed thinking that it wouldn’t be more than £50, £100 tops. NO! He asked her for £1K, a whole grand knowing full well that she probably didn’t have it, and that he needed to pay it before he got the keys and moved in. My mum pretty much cleared her account, and my sister’s account (she agreed to help out), to give him, even though they both ended up paying bank charges for eventually being overdrawn. There was not even so much as a thank you.

My brother is a 31 year old man. My mum has been financially bailing him out ever since he was a fresh-out-of-school 16/17 year old. She even once used to give him at least £200 to cover some of his bills, food, ect. He’s been in debt twice before and was bailed out by my grandmother. The only time he ever contacts my mum is when he needs money, and very rarely for anything else.

He’s now considering declaring himself bankrupt to clear his debts as he can’t afford them. The thing with my brother is that he needs the best of everything and generally won’t consider anything second hand. I can’t help but feel unsympathetic towards his situation as he’s had years of bad money management to change his ways. I’m sure the idea of monthly bills mystifies him as he's never had enough money to cover them all, but has always been able to afford other things. My friend thinks I am being hugely unreasonable for thinking that he has brought this all on himself, and that I should be more sympathetic towards him because he is my brother.

Sorry for the long post. I really need/ed to vent.

Vixxfacee Thu 12-May-16 17:18:49

Yanbu especially if the girlfriends mum is moving in too. 3 adults should be able to afford rent between them.

I disagree that it is all your brother though. Who ever is constantly giving money and bailing him out is at fault as well.

ajandjjmum Thu 12-May-16 17:19:21

He hasn't brought this all on himself - he has been encouraged in bad money management by people bailing him out. He will only learn when this stops.

Feel for you - I'd be furious that my DP were being used, and also that they kept allowing it to happen!

SweetieDrops Thu 12-May-16 17:20:31

YANBU at all to think it's entirely his own fault. Until the rest of the family stop mollycoddling him and leave him to sort his own finances out he'll never grow up.

badtime Thu 12-May-16 17:24:34

I wouldn't say that he has brought it all on himself. If he has always been bailed out, he has never had to learn how to live within his means, so the rest of your family are also partly responsible.

However, the fact that he is your brother does not mean that you have to have any sympathy for his situation, which in the short term at least is his own fault.


AvaLeStrange Thu 12-May-16 17:25:24

Yanbu and I say that as someone who doesn't have the greatest track record financially and has had help from her own DParents.

Expecting your mum and sis to clear their own accounts to help him because he likes the high life is royally taking the piss.

What have his GF and her mum contributed?

AddToBasket Thu 12-May-16 17:28:57

YANBU. How strange that the girlfriend and her mum think this is all OK.

curren Thu 12-May-16 18:02:27

Yanbu. He has brought it all on himself. Yes people have enabled him. But he is an adult. One of the other times he got into bad debt, he could have grown up and decided to stand on his own two feet.

You can't keep blaming your parents or relatives forever, for your own piss poor behaviour and its consequences.

hazelangell Thu 12-May-16 18:25:40

YANBU my brother (he's 34) is pretty much the same and I completely understand your anger and frustration! I also get annoyed with my mum though because she comes complaining to me about it but STILL continues to bail him out ....!

leelu66 Thu 12-May-16 18:32:20

I have no sympathy for him either, what an entitled twat he is.

SweetChickadee Thu 12-May-16 18:35:18

YANBU - no sympathy here

your mother needs to learn the word NO though...

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe Thu 12-May-16 18:42:40

Yanbu in the least. I've watched my own sibling and parents do this dance for years. Parents always believing this last loan/bailout will be the one that gets my sib and partner back on their feet but it never does.

Unfortunately, giving that level of help to someone who refuses to take responsibility for themselves only encourages the entitled behaviour. The pattern becomes established to the point where the taker believes it's their right and the giver loses sight of the fact that this is not their responsibility!

Unless your friends have experience of this they likely won't understand so best to avoid the topic with them if their response annoys you.

hownottofuckup Thu 12-May-16 18:45:51

You don't need to feel sympathy no, but any money arrangements between him and your mum is just that, between him and your mum. They're both adults, so it's none of your business really.

AyeAmarok Thu 12-May-16 18:55:29

I wouldn't feel sorry for him either OP.

I'd feel sorry for my parents.

Actually, I'd probably be annoyed at my parents for being so stupid too.

Jannerite Thu 12-May-16 19:01:36

Yes, people, mainly my DM, have bailed him out countless times but I've been there when he's been ringing her up asking for money. He talks a good talk, he guilt-trips and asks constantly until he gets. He's never asked whilst I've been around. She knows exactly how I have felt about all of her bailing him out, to the point that I've always been told to never mention, or say, anything to him.

AvaLeStrange His girlfriend apparently had no money, but her mum did give them £250 a week ago as her part of the rent. Apart from that they seem to have contributed very little.

Jannerite Thu 12-May-16 19:06:03

hazelangell I completely know that feeling. My mum does exactly the same thing, moans about it to me and then goes against my advice and bails him out again. hmm You have my sympathy.

Jannerite Thu 12-May-16 19:14:03

hownottofuckup "but any money arrangements between him and your mum is just that, between him and your mum. They're both adults, so it's none of your business really."

That is until my mum comes running to me every time he asks for money/she gives him money to have a good ol' moan about it all. He's taking the piss, and she doesn't have the bottle to tell him hence why she complains to me.

Labbiemum16 Thu 12-May-16 19:59:18

YANBU Wash your hands of the lot of them, they are all as bad as each other.

It's a very complex relationship where your mum & sister obviously feel that he will not value or interact with them unless they are forking out. He has absolutely no respect for either of them and needs to grow the f**k up.

If they are so obsessed with him that they risk their own financial ruin, i do not think they will listen to reason anyway.

I hope you can move on and try not to let this upset you.

frumpet Thu 12-May-16 19:59:20

Next time your DM moans at you about bailing your brother out , I would just say ' Mum you keep doing the wrong thing for all the right reasons ' , she does it because she loves him , he is her child and she keeps hoping that he will eventually become the person she has always hoped he would be , the problem is by constantly bailing him out , that is probably never going to happen .

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