To message my ex and tell him to stay the fuck out of my dreams

(11 Posts)
ArriettyMatilda Thu 12-May-16 07:52:01

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I need to pick someone's brains about this.

When I was at uni my dp and I broke up (long story but we are now back together and have a dd and are generally happy). In the year and a half that we weren't together I had several one night stands, a few fuck buddies and what I thought was a couple of potential relationships. One of these men sticks in my head. We spent all night talking when we first met and we'd message each other. I began wondering about the potential for a relationship. However one night I ended up inviting him and my ex as I didn't want to be alone. He'd said he couldn't come as he had a lot of uni work on and then eventually I wore him down and he said he'd come over. By this point my ex was driving 40 miles to see me. So they both arrived one after each other. It would have been awkward had I not been very drunk.

We carried on texting over Christmas and after Christmas I went back and slept with a guy who his housemate knew. He found out and was apparently hurt. We continued to meet as fuck buddies, and he cited the reasons for not having a relationship were the two I've detailed above. His housemate made me think this was his intention all along anyway as he had form for this.

I never really saw him to say goodbye when he left uni at the end of the year and I've not spoken to him in about four years. I don't even think about him these days. I realise he was good for sex at the time but that the rest of the 'missed' relationship is imagination because I didn't really know him and I certainly don't know him now. Every now and then I'll have really intense dreams about him and then I can't stop thinking of him for the day and I look him up on Facebook. I can see he's married now but that's all. I want to message him. I really hate feeling that, it'd feel unfaithful to dp. I just want him out of my dreams. He's usually the only one from my past who crops up.

Long story short how do I get this not exactly ex out of dreams? Does anyone have a similar problem?

MaidOfStars Thu 12-May-16 10:16:21

I have very vivid dreams about ex-partners, people I work with that I have crushes on, anyone really.

I don't angst over it. They're dreams. Box it up and ride it out.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 12-May-16 10:29:41

I'd rather have that than my most recent nightmare, where I fall out of an HGV and chase it round the yard while it smashes into other vehicles. That's based on a real incident, after which I didn't have a job for 3 months.
ExGF dreams are mostly about being shouted at.

MaisieDotes Thu 12-May-16 10:32:05

If someone messaged me to ask me to stay out of their dreams I'd think it was a really creepy come-on tbh.

AdrenalineFudge Thu 12-May-16 10:38:01

I had dreams about the OW! I wouldn't think much of it, it's been a while now and everyone's moved on. Dreams are funny things.

ArriettyMatilda Thu 12-May-16 15:09:44

I don't normally pay too much attention to dreams but he features at least twice a month if not more and it's not like a recurring dream as it's alway different.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome sorry to hear that you are still dreaming about such an awful situation and to anyone else having horrible dreams.

I won't message him, it will achieve nothing. But I wish I wouldn't be forced into having lovely dreams of him when I know it wouldn't be like that in reality and when I am happy with my partner.

Kariana Thu 12-May-16 18:42:04

Usually I would say not to look him up on Facebook as this will reinforce the memories, however I'm not sure it will make much difference based on my experience. I constantly have dreams about a girl I was friends with for 21 years, like you they aren't reoccurring and are usually pleasant. I lost touch with this girl when I was about 25 and I tried to get back in touch a year or so ago but she wasn't that interested (we had a strange friendship anyway owing to various issues but had been very close). I don't give her a thought in my daily life but the constant dreams bring back all the regret that we're no longer in touch even though I know actually we have very little in common and probably wouldn't even get on that well anymore.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though it's a bit of a different situation you have my sympathies, the dreams are very wearing and bring up things I would rather not think about.

ArriettyMatilda Thu 12-May-16 21:17:22

Kariana that is it exactly "I don't give her a thought in my daily life but the constant dreams bring back all the regret that we're no longer in touch even though I know actually we have very little in common and probably wouldn't even get on that well anymore." I'm not even friends with him on Facebook and his photo has changed in like two years. I know it is pretty pointless looking at it. I guess I just have to focus on my real life relationships in the day. I can't control what happens at night!

Hassled Thu 12-May-16 21:26:31

I think most people have "the one that got away" - the person who you think "what if?" about. It fades, and eventually disappears. Focus on the relationship you have now - think long and hard as to whether it's really long-term, or if concerns/wobbles you maybe aren't even fully conscious of are triggering this "what if?" phase.

bestcatintheworld Thu 12-May-16 21:32:55

yeah, me over decades. I had to resolve it (contact the person). It led to a huge amount of complications, but overall, I'm happy I did it and the dreams are now gone.
I do incidentally believe that these sort of dreams are a way of the other person contacting you <weird>

ArriettyMatilda Thu 12-May-16 21:43:38

Hassled this phase has been going on for as long as I can remember! Dp was originally the one who got away, so I really should know that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Our relationship may not be perfect currently but we are both in it for the long haul. We are much happier since we moved in together and I'm still excited to see him if we ever spend time apart.

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