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AIBU to want ex wife contact to stop?

(147 Posts)
Joydgreen88 Wed 11-May-16 09:10:04

To be

I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible! My partner and I just found out that we are expecting our first child, however his relationship with his ex wife is putting me under a lot of stress and pressure.

They are in the final weeks of waiting for the decree absolute to be finalised. They have been separated for a year and a half, she has a new partner and they live together. My partner and his ex wife do not have any children, pets or any financial ties to each other at all. However he is still emailing and texting her on a near daily basis "to make sure she's ok". I'm finishing this level of contact very hard to deal with. When my partner I got together she inundated me with endless abusive emails, Facebook messages and texts. As soon as I could delete and block her, she'd find another way to get in touch with me. I've raised the issues I have with my partner endless times, trying to keep my cool but it really does bother me a lot of the time. He doesn't see why it's driving me so bananas, and when I've asked him why he feels the need to stay in contact with her he can't give me an answer. She has a new partner who I assumed would take over my partner's role of being the one to look after her. I'm dreading her finding out about the baby, and I just know she's going to try and cause so much drama and issues. It's really clouding what should be such a joyous time. AIBU to want my partner to cut contact with her?

daisychain01 Wed 11-May-16 09:23:16

Does his ex have health problems? Maybe he has residual guilty feelings about splitting up.

It doesn't sound like he has emotionally separated from her.

IWILLgiveupsugar Wed 11-May-16 09:30:55

Yanbu. His loyalty should be with you, the person he is actually having a family with. Very disloyal of him to contact someone who was abusive towards you and who is not a part of youe shared future. You were unwise to get pg while he is still emotionally committed elsewhere but now that you are pg you need to insist he behaves like your partner, not as if his ex is still his wife or I cannot see a positive future for your relationship.

mummyto2monkeys Wed 11-May-16 09:30:55

YADNBU!!! I would be livid, this woman has abused you verbally and made it clear that she is jealous of your relationship. You are carrying his child, he needs to stop worrying about how his ex is and start caring about how you are. They need to cut the ties, they have absolutely no reason to be in daily contact like this. Even if children were involved this level of contact is excessive. If anything their solicitors can inform them when their decree is through.

My husband would contact his ex gf when we were first together, messaging her when in bed with me. He was deliberately trying to make her jealous. In the end though it was me who flipped and made him choose between us. He obviously chose us. I think your partner is being incredibly selfish and disrespectful

Joydgreen88 Wed 11-May-16 09:38:15

I've tried the ultimatum thing, and he just either shuts down completely or starts getting angry with me. I'm painting him in a really horrid light, but he is wonderful all the time, except when it comes to this bloody woman! The closest I've come to resolving anything is getting very frustrated with him and saying the contact absolutely has to stop by the time baby is here, no exceptions. But I don't even think that's gone in. Pregnancy wasn't planned, but we both do want the baby very much. I feel very silly letting it get to this point!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 11-May-16 09:41:54

A kinder view would be that he's still suffering fear, obligation and guilt. You describe the OW as a needy abusive person, and they're hard to get out of your head.
However, he needs to make a clean break, and you need to explain gently that it would be an absolute deal breaker if he hasn't when the baby arrives. Does he know about the stuff she's done to you? That would certainly "bring the hate" in my case.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 11-May-16 09:42:48

Sorry, x post.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Wed 11-May-16 09:47:48

How long have you been together?

It seems odd that if they have no children he is still maintaining such close contact.

What did he do when she was sending you abusive messages? Because surely at that point she should have been told to fuck off to the far side. Unless of course they were still very married at that point.

I'm afraid alarm bells for me would be ringing about just how detached he is from her, and how much he wants a baby with you if he still insists on keeping up this relationship with her. Especially as you say the pregnancy was unplanned. Are you sure he's in it for the longhaul? flowers

EponasWildDaughter Wed 11-May-16 09:47:58

He is still emotionally attached as others have said.

What was his reaction to her abusive messages to you?

I know it's not much comfort to say it, but 'wonderful in every way except the fact he is still emotionally involved with another woman' would be for me.

Your ultimatums need teeth. I'd want the contact stopped now. Or there's no us.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 11-May-16 09:48:24

would NOT be for me!

Joydgreen88 Wed 11-May-16 09:52:50

He did get angry with her on my behalf, but of course that just gave him an excuse to contact her as it was "to my benefit". When I finally caved after 3 months of silence and asked her to stop contacting me he lost it with me. Typing this all out makes me realise what a complete idiot I've been. I've just accepted it and now I think I've been an utter, utter doormat this whole time.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 11-May-16 09:53:32

Fuck that. I wouldn't have it.

He's either moved on or he hasn't.

And if he hasn't, he shouldn't be having babies with another woman.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 11-May-16 09:54:53

When I finally caved after 3 months of silence and asked her to stop contacting me he lost it with me.

What do you mean?

Joydgreen88 Wed 11-May-16 09:58:04

I hadn't sent a reply to any of the abusive messages she had sent me, until I finally snapped on a night out and asked her to leave me alone.

YouMakeMyDreams Wed 11-May-16 09:58:46

An ultimatum is useless if you don't follow through with it. All it is then is an empty threat. He hasn't stopped because you haven't followed through with the ultimatum.
Sorry but he is being an arse and you don't deserve this. For me I would leave. And I know it's hard especially when you're pregnant but this will eat away at you and destroy you. You can't rely on him I'm afraid.

Cabrinha Wed 11-May-16 09:59:45

Oh dear. You've been with him less than 18 months and now you're accidentally pregnant to a man who is still emotionally far too involved with his XW. Not good. And when you have concerns, he just shuts you down or gets angry with you. He doesn't sound like a good partner. I'm sorry, but all this "he's wonderful otherwise" is just irrelevant.
A wonderful partner does not get angry with you when you tell hunk you don't like near daily chit chat with a woman who was abusive to you.
It's a shame you had a contraceptive failure before you got this sorted out, really. Because he sounds like an arsehole. Shutting you down and being angry is NOT OM.

Don't waste time now. No nonsense about cutting contact when the baby is here. Tell him to cut contact now, and mean it.

You see, he's going to be an arse about it. You'll find it far easier to deal with this when you're a few weeks pregnant, compared to dealing with it when you have a newborn baby. Do you want to spoil the newborn days with him getting angry at you because he won't stop talking to her?

Sadly you're having a baby with a man you haven't had time to get to know first - and I suspect that what you're going to get to know, is that he's an arsehole.

Even the kind FOG explanation wouldn't excuse him shutting you down and getting angry.

You need to be firm, and you need to be firm now.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Wed 11-May-16 10:00:55

A lovely man doesn't behave like this. I'm sorry

HappyNevertheless Wed 11-May-16 10:01:50

And why exactely was he angry at you for doing that???

I would have told her to f* a long time ago.

Marmalade85 Wed 11-May-16 10:01:57

What was the basis for their separation?

Cabrinha Wed 11-May-16 10:02:45

He was angry with you for telling her to stop contacting you?

He isn't wonderful at all - he's an utter shit.
Personally, I'd reconsider the pregnancy.
But staying pregnant or not - I'd be getting rid of him.
Total cock.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 11-May-16 10:03:00

You mean he lost his temper with you because you asked his x to stop sending you abusive messages? What does 'lost it with me' mean? Shouting? Anything physical? Silent treatment?


I'm sorry. See this for what it is now OP. You and the baby will be better off without him. I wouldn't be playing second fiddle to someones x and wouldn't expect to be abused for standing up for myself.

TheCrumpettyTree Wed 11-May-16 10:04:06

He is showing no loyalty to you at all. He isn't wonderful if he 'loses it' when you bring it up. He has no reason to be in contact daily with someone who was abusive towards you.

Joydgreen88 Wed 11-May-16 10:05:08

He left her after her behaviour towards him deteriorated (verbally and physically abusive towards him). So it baffles me as to why he STILL needs to stay in touch when she was such a nasty person? I'm feeling much stronger in dealing with this situation, so thank you all so much for confirming I'm not being a crazy bunny boiler type!

EponasWildDaughter Wed 11-May-16 10:08:40

What are you going to do OP?

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