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Text etiquette when Dh was late home last night...who is right?

(123 Posts)
Cloudybutwarm Wed 11-May-16 06:31:21

I wouldn't have bothered posting about this except that Dh appears to still be in a huff about it so.....

To set the scene. I am a sahm. We have a 4 and 1 year old. Dh is away for work at least 2 days a week. He is busy and his hours can be erratic.

On a Tuesday there is a swimming session 6-7 that I try and go to as often as possible. It is literally my only regular trip out of the house for non child related activities during the week. Dh needs to be home by about 545 for this. We have talked about it before and I've made it clear that it is really important to me but obviously if Dh can't get away from work for any reason then so be it. I have missed it a few times but on the whole he is back in time for me to go.

Last night he texted at 5:40. His text said just leaving xx. That was it. Clearly he wasn't going to be back for swimming (irritating but not in itself a problem) but the lack of any avknowledgment of this in his text made me assume he'd forgotten about it which made me cross. I texted back just saying obviously I wasn't going to get to go swimming tonight then. When he got back he said sorry he was late, he'd just got stuck on the phone to his boss.

Now to the crux of the issue. I think he should have acknowledged the fact I'd not be able to go swimming in his text. Literally just something like 'sorry, just leaving' would have done, I don't mean an essay. He thought there was nothing wrong with just texting he was leaving because it was obvious by the time he sent it he wouldn't be back in time. But to me that makes it seem like either he just forgot or it just wasn't important enough to acknowledge.

Sorry for such a long post on such a trivial issue but he was grumping about it all evening so I am curious as to whether I was in fact deeply unreasonable to have pulled him up on this?


penguinplease Wed 11-May-16 06:34:20

I think yabu.. Why waste time mentioning the swimming. The time he texted does indeed make it obvious he won't be back.
However he should have mentioned it when home and apologised.. Surely that is more relevant than a quick text he sent prior to leaving work?

DeadGood Wed 11-May-16 06:39:11

My DP and I have arguments about this sort of thing - in fact, I get cross at lots of people about this sort of thing! People seem to have a problem with using the word "sorry", even though it has a neutralising effect where otherwise offence may be taken, and it drives me up the wall. If you do something that inconveniences someone else, even mildly, just say sorry! It's really bloody simple!

However, the problem must be with me rather than them, as I seem to be the only one who thinks like this, so I'm probably not qualified to say if YABU or not! YANBU YANBU YANNNBBBUUUU

Cloudybutwarm Wed 11-May-16 06:39:23

He did mention it when he got back.

Why would it have been a waste of time for him to have mentioned the swimming when he texted? It would have taken a couple of seconds to add a word or two in.

curren Wed 11-May-16 06:40:02

Yabu. He was on his way home. You say yourself it wasn't a huge issue, but you made it one with your text back.

Personally I would have waited for him to get in and it would have been nice to get 'I am sorry you missed your swimming'.

However, I also accept that sometimes, things slip people's mind. I am ok with that, even if that thing is important to me.

daisychain01 Wed 11-May-16 06:40:15

I can understand it making you resentful as it's something you enjoy doing on a regular basis so his text came across as dismissive at worst,thoughtless at best. It obviously wasn't on his priority list. Trouble is it wasn't on his boss's radar either so they weren't aware they were keeping your DH back from leaving the office He needs to manage his manager better!

gatorgolf Wed 11-May-16 06:40:36

If he was late leaving then he prob wanted to type the text as fast as possible so he could get home so it came across abit blunt, as texts can sometimes

Iggi999 Wed 11-May-16 06:40:41

I don't think the text is the issue but the not moving heaven and earth to get home this one time a week so you can go out, to something that will benefit your mental and physical health. How on earth does your dh think the parents at his work who have to leave to collect their children manage it? Could he not say to his boss, "oh remember this is my earlier night to look after my dcs" when he's on the phone? While you may be happy to be at home, you are massively faciliting his opportunity to work hours that suit him. You're just asking for one early evening. Ask him has he said at work "Tuesday's my childcare day", and if not, why not?

Costacoffeeplease Wed 11-May-16 06:40:59

I agree, yabu, he text to say he was leaving and it was obvious he wasn't going to be home in time. He's not doing it on purpose to stop you going (I assume)

acasualobserver Wed 11-May-16 06:41:00

such a trivial issue

You've said it yourself. I can understand why your husband feels you're nitpicking. However, in disputes like this, there is often an underlying dissatisfaction about something. Here it seems to be how little time you have truly to yourself - it's this you should talk about not the precise wording of his text.

wannabestressfree Wed 11-May-16 06:41:30

In the nicest possible way I think your being unreasonable but he could have said sorry when he came in.

OneEpisode Wed 11-May-16 06:41:52

His text was fine as he explained (and I think apologised when he got home).
But DHs can say to bosses, "sorry I have to go". Just because boss wants to talk after 5 doesn't mean he had to talk on that particular day...

Iggi999 Wed 11-May-16 06:43:01

...and, try to plan some other regular trip every week that happens at a time you know he'll be back by! Go for a wander round a supermarket if that's all that's open, just to clear your head.

OneEpisode Wed 11-May-16 06:44:15

DH can block his work calendar for things that are important, is this important?

BarbaraofSeville Wed 11-May-16 06:45:48

It sounds like you are overthinking the text contents. Maybe he was in a rush when he sent it.

Some people use texting to convey essential information rather than to have a proper conversation with emotion etc.

I have to make a special effort to put kisses in texts for certain people because I don't normally use them but DSis gets all huffy if I don't put them in even if it's the 'just setting off' text when I am on my way to pick her up for a day out or whatever confused.

Rainatnight Wed 11-May-16 06:47:19

This is really about not getting off the phone to his boss so that you could go swimming, thereby making you feel as though your needs are secondary, isn't it?

PeaceLoveGonk Wed 11-May-16 06:50:06

Agree he needs to block that off in his calendar. If his boss rings he needs to say 'sorry, Jim, just leaving. Got to pick the kids up'. Because if he had to pick kids up from C M or nursery he'd make sure he was on time.

splendide Wed 11-May-16 06:51:05

I think YANBU and I think he should probably try harder to leave on time. I work ft in a busy job and DH is a SAHD. I often say to my boss I can't do a late afternoon meeting as I need to get back to DS. Once a week is nothing.

BarbaraofSeville Wed 11-May-16 06:52:09

But agree that he should treat Tuesdays as a 'he has to leave on time for childcare' priority. Presumably he will have colleagues who have to do nursery pick up etc, or does he have the kind of job where it is assumed that no-one has any life or responsibilities outside work or if they do these are picked up by a SAHP?

I hate that kind of culture, it's wrong on so many levels but that's a whole different issue.

IpreferToblerone Wed 11-May-16 06:55:28

Just a thought but the swimming sounds very important to you and your DH can't always make it home in time for the children thus your disappointment/frustration. Do you have any local family or if not, any teenagers that you know. I bet a local teenager would love the chance of a regular hours work one night a week (at a small cost to you say a fiver) just to cover that hour your husband doesn't always make. Just a thought.

PirateFairy45 Wed 11-May-16 06:55:33

Tbh, sounds like you're nit picking.

Inshock73 Wed 11-May-16 06:55:55

Cloudy I think you've over reacted BUT I totally understand.

I was a sahm for a year until my DD was 1 and there were many evenings I watched the clock and couldn't wait for my DP to get home and give me a break. He would often come home and I would be excited just to get out and go to the supermarket on my own! Some evenings he would come home later than expected because he'd been helping someone else or talking etc...and I would feel really resentful. In the end I told him I was starting to resent the freedom he had which really surprised him because he didn't see going to work as having his freedom.

I wouldn't give him a hard time when this happens, he isn't being unreasonable or inconsiderate he just got delayed at work which happens to most people, sometimes frequently. I think the problem here is your lack of 'me time' which everyone needs! If he doesn't make it home on time that particular night is it possible to go another evening so you still have that (very much needed) time to yourself?

ToffeeForEveryone Wed 11-May-16 06:56:04

The text in itself is fine, especially if he was suitably apologetic when he got in, like pps have said it's more about your DH not making sure he is back in time for you to go out.

If it was me I'd be more annoyed at only finding out 5 mins before due to leave that he wasn't going to make it in time. Presumably you had to get your stuff together etc and getting ready for no reason would tick me off angry

Cloudybutwarm Wed 11-May-16 06:57:30

Unfortunately his boss is the owner of the company and, shall we say, a rather demanding man! He can be quite awful sometimes so I do understand it's not that easy for Dh to just get off the phone to him.

To those who've mentioned deeper issues, it is true that I often feel Dh thinks that pretty much everything I do is of lesser importance than the fact that he works. To an extent though I suppose this is true seeing as he earns the money!

DoinItFine Wed 11-May-16 06:57:39

I think the text should have acknowledged that he was letting you down.

I also think he should have let you know earlier if something so import was happening that he couldn't get back.

I think being on the phone to your boss is a really lame excuse for not meeting your responsibilitit's at home.

I think in your position I would be looking for a job.

A man who can't take a call on his mobile phone on his way home is not someone I would want to be a SAHM for

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