DD(11) tantrum over secondary school

[CalibratedNellyphant]

Possibly more of a WWYD as well as an AIBU

DD (11) is going to secondary school in September. She is very clever and she has managed to get a scholarship to the local private school. We have visited many times and she has always said that she likes it and wants to go.
We said that it was her choice if she wanted to go to the local state secondary or the private school and she choose the private school.

She has only ever had one really close friend in school this friend is moving abroad so she was never going to be in the same secondary as DD so it wasn't an issue.

However since Christmas DD has also become close to another girl who I will call Sue. Sue started at the school in September and she used to be friendly with one girl but they fell out so she is now being friend's with DD and her friend.

Admittedly I'm weary of this friendship. Sue can be disruptive in the school (DD has told me and I have witnessed it during assemblies etc)
Sue has been here a few times and she has broken things and answered back. The last time she was here I called her parents to pick her up after an hour because she was mean to my other DCs and when I warned she broke their things. DD watches sue do these things and sometimes laughs but she doesn't get involved and is well behaved in school.

So to the point. DD came home tonight and said that she has decided that she wants to go to the state school because that's where Sue is going. I said that it wasn't possible she already has a place in the private school. She could keep in touch with sue but she couldn't go to the state school.

She threw an awful tantrum , she screamed at me that she hates us all and she wants to leave home. She slammed the doors. I told her to go to her room and stay there till she calmed down. She threw a picture frame which smashed on her way up and I could hear her banging about in her room.

She is quiet now and her light is off so I think she has gone to sleep in a mood.

I don't know what to do with her now. She can't go to the secondary school and I don't want her to anyway.
Also dh (who is away at the moment) doesn't think I should punish her because she was upset. But I think she should be punished for breaking things and screaming.

So AIBU to punish her and how do I help become happier with going to secondary school.

[steppemum]

i think it is perfectly normal to be honest. dd1 is also year 6.

They are in the middle of SATs and full of the whole end of primary school stuff.

It doesn't get better yet I am afraid. They are so unsettled for this term, and at the same time their friendships seem suddenly so important because they know that they are coming to an end.

I found it improved after ds induction day at his new school. he could picture where he was going and he met some boys he liked.

As to punishment/help. I think I would go down the approach of talking to her once she has calmed down. Listen to her, hear how she is feeling and sympathise.
Do the thing about reflecting feelings - it is hard isn't it not knowing any of the girls you will meet. Then once she has let it all out, reassure her, remind her that everyone goes through this, and it is OK in the end, they find new friends and enjoy their new school, and so on.
Then at some point I would say - what are we going to do about the broken picture then? I would expect her to come up with a solution. Any solution that involves her input and expenditure would be fine. Eg she mends it, she buys a new one, she gives you one of her picture frames etc etc.

Don't forget hormones cause a lot of door slamming and 'I hate you' at this age, and I find it is best to let some of them wash over and let them go.

[CalibratedNellyphant]

Thank you
I will be talking to her tomorrow about it and hopefully she will have calmed down by then.

[Backpfeifengesicht]

Well tbh I think I would let it go just this once. I imagine she is feeling high levels of anxiety about starting a new school where she doesn't know anyone. I went through something similar myself resulting in a similar type of meltdown after my first day at secondary school. Plus at 11 she may be starting to get some early puberty hormonal changes which doesn't help in stressful life events like this. Maybe talk to her when she's calm and ask her if she is feeling nervous etc... and talk about all the great things she will do at her new school.

[apple1992]

Well tbh I think I would let it go just this once. I imagine she is feeling high levels of anxiety about starting a new school where she doesn't know anyone.
I agree with this.

[specialsubject]

I remember throwing a strop about school choice, possibly not as destructive. She does as she's told, of course.

Explain tomorrow what you dont like about sue, and that she's no role model.

[Catmuffin]

Is this out of character? If so I'd guess it's to do with feeling a bit overwrought while in the middle of SATs. You'll probably be able to reason with her better once they are over.