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To not want to pay

(93 Posts)
Auroraduffy Tue 10-May-16 17:41:25

I am most likely being very petty so feel free to tell me.

DH and I have been together for 6 years, he has his own DS12 from a previous relationship, the break up was very very messy, happened when DSS was 1.

It's been very hard trying to find my place in this family, at first I tried to be involved with DSS but according to his Mum my help was not wanted or needed, so over the years I've become more of a friend then a parental figure to DSS, we only have him for the holidays as DH and I work long hours.

The families are very much separate, DSS' Mum remarried years ago, has other kids etc her and DH only communicate through email and it's normally her complaining about me.

E.g I bought him a phone, an exact replica of the one he had after it fell into the paddling pool when he was staying with us, his mother hit the roof. He loves art so for Christmas I got him this great set of paints and brushes, she complained and demanded that I was to not spend a penny on her DS, she's been very clear over the years that my financial contribution is not needed and has accused me of trying to buy off her DS.

DSS and I aren't that close, we get along, he's a sweet kid but his Mum has made it impossible for me to be a real part of his life.

DH has been paying for DSS' prep school through the years and DSS has managed to secure a place at a Public school this September, the agreement between DH and DSS' Mum was that for senior school, she would have to contribute 20% as DH simply couldn't afford senior school on his own, the fees are massively different. They agreed on this years ago, as they had to decide on potential schools when DSS was around nine.

DSS' Mum has just informed us that she will not be contributing to school fees as her and her current DH have decided that it wouldn't be fair to pay for one child to go to a fee paying school and not the others, they have 3 DC together, she expected DH to pay the full amount, which he simply can't afford to do.

When he emailed her that he couldn't do it, she emailed that of course he could, he should give up on certain luxuries to provide for his DS etc etc and that I could always chip in!!!

She has made my position over the years very clear, and I in turn made it very clear to DH that I have no intention of paying a penny towards DSS' schooling, plenty of great State schools around, if she doesn't want to chip in.

I said that all last night and now I'm feeling very petty.

EatShitDerek Tue 10-May-16 17:43:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Tue 10-May-16 17:45:38

You're not being petty. You're not ok too but her son Christmas gifts but Ok to chip into her sons education, not your fault she can't afford it, you didn't tell her to go have three children. What does your husband say about this? Does he agree or is he willing to pay the full whack?

BombadierFritz Tue 10-May-16 17:49:48

If it isnt fair for one to go, then it isnt fair (have sympathy with this argument) How is it fair if the dad is paying? Her logic is bizarre. Just tell her you agree - all kids should go to same school so you are happy to save the cash

EveOnline2016 Tue 10-May-16 17:50:06

I would personally email and say that as requested several times that financial commitment from you wasn't wanted, so all your money is taken up by other commitments.

Nocabbageinmyeye Tue 10-May-16 17:51:09

Nope not petty at all. If I were you I'd have to sit on my hands not to email her myself and tell her what I think

Auroraduffy Tue 10-May-16 17:55:01

Ugh, so glad I'm not being the evil step Mum refusing to contribute.

Bombadier, well before she could use the excuse that DSS' Dad was paying, so nothing to do with her etc etc but if she pays, then financially contributing for one child and not the others is quite different

Auroraduffy Tue 10-May-16 17:56:42

DH asked and showed me the email, and then dropped it when I said No, he can't afford to pay 100% it simply isn't going to happen.

BlahBlahBlahWhatever Tue 10-May-16 17:58:28

Do you and your dg have children together?

BlahBlahBlahWhatever Tue 10-May-16 17:58:43

Dh dh dh!

Auroraduffy Tue 10-May-16 18:00:24

BlahBlah, no we don't have any children, just DSS1

Makesomethingupyouprick Tue 10-May-16 18:02:34

I'd tell her no. It won't happen.

But what do you mean by you only have DSS in school holidays as you and DP work long hours? Do you live a vast distance apart from DSS or something?

BlahBlahBlahWhatever Tue 10-May-16 18:03:20

Okay, I was just wondering what your plans were for your own if you had any, but you don't so irrelavent.

I agree with you, it's not your problem.

bloodyteenagers Tue 10-May-16 18:05:21

You are not being petty. She should have engaged her brain years ago and realised that you would be buying things for him.

I wonder how their house works? Does she pay half of everything for 3, and everything for him, whilst her dh pays half for his 3.

Auroraduffy Tue 10-May-16 18:05:34

Makesomething, they live about a 3 hour drive away, contact was dealt with years before I showed up and it seems to work for everyone.

lateforeverything Tue 10-May-16 18:11:09

In your position I would definitely not be paying.

My dh's exw has actually thanked me in the past for my role in dss' life. (Also 12 and no bio dc of my own) I'd be fuming if she tried to sideline me and then made such a suggestion!

MadamDeathstare Tue 10-May-16 18:12:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Auroraduffy Tue 10-May-16 18:13:49

Bloody, no idea how their household works. DSS doesn't talk about them much when he's here.

Lateforeverything, honestly the restrictions she's tried to put just make me sigh, she fuels off drama, so the best revenge is to pretend she doesn't exist.

ManonLescaut Tue 10-May-16 18:14:02

If she can't afford to send them all to feepaying schools, then they will all have to go to state school. Simple. And much fairer.

Auroraduffy Tue 10-May-16 18:16:04

Madamdeathstare shock shock that's genius!! She'll run off screaming!

Makesomethingupyouprick Tue 10-May-16 18:17:24

Thanks OP. That, and the fact the parents only communicate via e-mail explains why the 'families are very separate'.

lateforeverything Tue 10-May-16 18:21:02

That's ridiculous, trying to restrict things and then asking for cash?!

My situation is v different as dss lives with us full-time and has no contact with dh's exw whatsoever (huge backlog of maintenance too) so I've raised him as my son and would pay. However, I definitely would not in your shoes and yanbu.

lateforeverything Tue 10-May-16 18:22:03

Inspired, Madam! grin

Queenie73 Tue 10-May-16 18:22:23

Sounds to me like you are being entirely reasonable and she is just trying to be difficult because she enjoys annoying you. The child is unlikely to die of going to a normal school (I went to a boarding school then a state school and the state on was far better). It's not like he will starve or anything.

AyeAmarok Tue 10-May-16 18:27:14

You are right, 100%

She sounds like a nightmare.

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