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WIBU in my reaction?

(127 Posts)
MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 15:55:46

H's family live in Europe. He hasn't seen them in years due to him needing a visa (he's from Middle East) and he is lazy about that sort of stuff.

Anyway, a while back we had a row about him getting a European visa. I can't quite recall exactly what started it but he was very defensive about it and something didn't feel right to me. He was absolutely insistent he wanted the visa incase we went away as a family. (He doesn't need one of he travels with me but was also insistent that it was safer if he had one himself).

He complains endlessly (really really endlessly) about money. How we don't have any. He always says 'can't afford it' whenever I want to do anything as a family and we won't be having a holiday this year due to money.

So, fast forward to today:
He came in from work and announced he is going to visit his family at the end of the month. He is going alone and will be taking the car.

By 'the car' he means the family and not his car which he uses purely for work. It is probably not really road legal (has problems) and he doesn't trust it to go all the way to France and back. And I would never put the kids in it. But it's his car so I don't get involved in him driving it to work etc.

I may have over reacted but it was be way he spoke to me. He just informed me it was happening that we aren't all going, when he is going and he's taking the car. There was no discussion. No conversation. Nothing.
Topped off by the real reason for the visa coming out - which I have no issue with but why lie in an earlier argument?

Basically I wasn't impressed. I didn't about swear or have a go at him but he could see I wasn't happy. It has scuppered plans I had already made for the same dates and I am not happy about him taking the car.
He saw this and it escalated very quickly into a full on argument (no DC present) where he was ranting and raving that I am trying to control him and bully him and he has every right to just tell me and take the car as he paid for half of it and I use it all the time.

almostthirty Tue 10-May-16 16:01:02

I'm not surprised you are angry. It doesn't sound like much of a partnership. Why the need to so urgently visit family now and why alone? It really doesn't sound right to me and there is no way I would be handing over the family car keys when he has his own car.

Clandestino Tue 10-May-16 16:05:01

Seriously? You are kind of describing a relationship where two people live beside each other rather than together.

ImperialBlether Tue 10-May-16 16:10:10

I'd buy him a one way ticket.

junebirthdaygirl Tue 10-May-16 16:10:24

Lack of discussion is the big problem. Not whether he goes or not. So keep focusing on that. As it affects the whole family l want to have a proper discussion about it. Keep repeating in a calm voice. Can he not just fly there and take a train.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 16:19:57

No idea why he couldn't ft or train. He will have come up with numerous reasons.

Once he returns from this trip he will be miserable and exhausted from all the driving.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 16:34:19

I feel kind of trapped.

If I push at this it's going to cause a monumental row. But if I don't then he's just walking all over me.

I explained that I'm annoyed hat he is treating me like his secretary. Just informing me so I know what is happening when he should be discussing it with me and his reply was that I see my family whenever I want as they all live here and he has never told me I can't. And he paid half for the car so he has the right to drive that one as I drive it all the time and he doesn't yet he's paying for it.

None of which is a reply to my statement. So he then said 'he doesn't have to discuss it with me cos in the past that hasn't helped anything so he will now just tell me what is happening'

SquinkiesRule Tue 10-May-16 16:38:32

Tell him to take the train/fly whatever, it'll probably be cheaper than all the petrol and ferry costs added together.
He's an arse.

JassyRadlett Tue 10-May-16 16:38:50

Oh OP, that last statement of his is just awful. What an arse.

Have you asked what childcare arrangements he's put in place for when you're unavailable or when he'd usually have the children?

Do you have any contact with his family? Something sounds extremely odd here.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 16:43:43

I have no contact with his family. Most don't speak English.

It doesn't seem to matter what I say, he has a way of twisting it so I'm being unreasonable. He will also exaggerate ridiculously. When I mentioned the money element he angrily said 'money is always right but I'm expected to wait u til I'm 80 to see my family again????'
He's 41.... So saying 80 is stupid.
He always does that. If we talk for 15 minutes he will get annoyed and say 'why do we have to talk for 3 hours???'

Twitterqueen Tue 10-May-16 16:44:03

I agree with Jassy.
This doesn't sound right to me either - and I'm not just talking about the fact that he has told you, rather than discuss it....

Are you sure he's going to come back? Would you want him to come back?

FinnigansCake Tue 10-May-16 16:48:13

Why doesn't he need a visa if he travels with you, but does if he's by himself? <curious>

Have you ever met his family?

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 16:48:38

If he didn't come back it would be a blessing in disguise.

He will come back as he has spent the last 14 years going through the system to gain citizenship here. He's a stone throw away from applying for his leave to remain so he will come back.

Something doesn't feel right at all.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 16:51:08

He isn't a European. He lives here with a spousal visa and therefore has the right to leave the uk and go back to his own country but he can't enter Europe without a shengen visa, unless he is travelling with me, then he can travel on his uk visa. Because we are linked.

But he can't travel through Europe alone and without a visa.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 16:52:25

I have met one of his sisters who lives here in the UK, but none of his other siblings.
Have spoken to his mum on Skype but she doesn't speak English so it was pleasantries and then my French ran out!

MrsMainwaring Tue 10-May-16 16:56:45

Let him go then move house

mix56 Tue 10-May-16 17:06:10

How long is he going for? How will you manage without a car?
honestly it will be cheaper to get cheap flight & hire
Agree, it does sound like he has another agenda.
tell him to take the car at his Peril. You have nothing against him seeing his family.
Maybe he taking his sister & her family ?

LookJustCancelTheCheque Tue 10-May-16 17:07:19

If he didn't come back it would be a blessing in disguise.

There you go then. Plan for him not coming back.

FuriousFate Tue 10-May-16 17:25:40

Well, if you upped and left for a holiday at the same time, there'd be no one to care for the children, would there? If you don't want to be with him, genuinely, why not start divorce proceedings whilst he's away?

FinnigansCake Tue 10-May-16 17:28:46

It sounds odd that he's doing this when he's on the verge of getting leave to remain, but it's also odd if he's been in the UK for 14 years and still doesn't have it.

I smell a rat.

Is he Iraqi or Syrian?

youshouldcancelthecheque Tue 10-May-16 17:33:15

It sounds to me like he is making an exit plan for when he has his right to remain and no longer needs a spousal visa.

He may well have not intended this from the outset of your marriage but it sounds like he his own reasons for wanting to travel now and to hell with the families needs, such as needing use of a car.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 17:33:23

He's Algerian.

He was here for a while before he applied as he didn't have grounds to apply.

Then he was granted a visa but then denied a follow on, went to court, visa granted, follow on denied.

What should have taken 5 years took almost 10 and then they changed the law to 10 years of holding visas before leave to remain so he will be able to apply in 2 years time at the end of his latest temporary visa.

He just wants to go visit his family, and I'm fine with that. It's the way he treats me and speaks to me and I did mention that there is no way on gods green earth that I would be permitted to up and leave and swan in and out at my leisure but he just started spouting about how hard he works 'breaks his back' all day while I do nothing.
Except raise 2 children - one of which is non verbal- and do all the cooking cleaning shopping etc

youshouldcancelthecheque Tue 10-May-16 17:34:52

Also have I read it right that by travelling alone in Europe he is doing so without a Visa? if so how will get back into the UK?

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 10-May-16 17:36:50

No - he has a shengen visa so he is entitled to travel alone without me.
It's a temporary 6 month visa.
Which we argued about a couple months back cos it's £50 and we had no plans to go on holiday due to money but he insisted on getting one 'just incase'

And now this is coming out and I can't for the life of me imagine why he didn't just say back then 'so I can visit my brother and sister'

ImperialBlether Tue 10-May-16 17:40:01

Do the children have passports? Are you concerned that he might take them with him?

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