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AIBU?

to ask how your six year old leaves playdates?

87 replies

justforthisonce · 10/05/2016 14:31

Mine plays up, refuses to leave, runs around the hosters house. It is completely undermining and embarrassing.

Last night there was hiding under tables, screaming, laughing.

Please could anyone suggest tactics.

We have tried time out post play date and cancelling play dates, but the time delay is not instant enough for my child to understand.

I've tried confiscating toys but my child is normally placid and easy going and is quite happy to lose a toy.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

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whois · 10/05/2016 14:34

I remember being like that with my friends - both of us hiding so I (or they) wouldn't have to go home!

Speak to them about their behavior before they go on the play date and let him talk though what he thinks will happen a the end when its time to go, and what he should do.

Count down to leaving - time to go in 15 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins, get your coat on like a good boy and say thank you for having me.

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BaronessBomburst · 10/05/2016 14:35

Mine refuses to go to anyone else's house, meaning they all come here.
And lots of other children have behaved in exactly the same way as your DS.
I can't suggest tactics, but please, don't be embarrassed by it.

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Gizlotsmum · 10/05/2016 14:36

I give a countdown to when we are going, so 15 mins left, 10 mins etc

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whois · 10/05/2016 14:38

Affordability.

Fit of the school to your child.

Secondary plans.

How well things like wrap around care work.

Personal ethics and how much value you place on private v state.

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sunnydayinmay · 10/05/2016 14:38

My two were never like that, but my niece and nephew were. I just did the warning thing, so tell them "two minutes and we're going", then " one minute and we're going", then just go. No ifs, buts, pleading, explaining etc.

I would tell your DC beforehand that you are not accepting any messing about this time, and if they play up, then they don't get to visit again.

Mind you, I was quite strict at that age. My sister thought overly so, do I guess its a balance.

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whois · 10/05/2016 14:38

wrong thread

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Lymmmummy · 10/05/2016 14:42

Mine stalls quite a bit but will eventually happily leave

At the age of 3 or 4 he used to do some of the kind of things you mention and to be honest I really hated play dates for that very reason - he has improved but there are certain houses he finds it harder to leave than others and I find it very embarrassing and I am not keen on the whole play date thing but just endure it

My battle is that I find it impossible to get him out of the school playground although every other child seems to politely leave the first time their parents ask them to - so they all find a different way to embarrass you😀

I think best to do as others suggest remind them before they go on play date that it's polite to leave on time or could you turn up 10 minutes earlier and have a cup of tea with the mum so that he has more of time to adjust and understand he has to finish off?

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Pettywoman · 10/05/2016 14:42

Mine's 8 and he and friends still do this sometimes.

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Kuriusoranj · 10/05/2016 14:47

We do the countdown to the end of just about everything good: 5 minutes, then 2 minutes, then time up. I'm very general with the times, but luckily neither of mine have a good sense of how long 5 minutes is yet. We've even evolved hand signals, so I can warn them at a distance .

Agree with the PP, don't fret too much about it. Annoying though it is, it's very common and I'm sure they grow out of it given enough time. So long as you're consistent and don't reward them by giving in to the fuss...

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justforthisonce · 10/05/2016 14:47

Thanks for all the responses,

I find it all quite enduring. I am thinking of explaining to him expected behaviours again to him before the play date.

sunnydayinmay I feel like telling him he cant see his friend again too much of a threat and pressure for a six year old. I am quite a strict mother too hence why I am finding his disobedience quite disconcerting

OP posts:

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LadyBaelish · 10/05/2016 14:52

I start warning DS2 that it's almost time to go 10 minutes before we should leave, then 5 minutes, at 2 minutes he should start getting his shoes back on etc. Sometimes it seems to work and he's ready pretty much on time, other times we still get the "just 5 more minutes!!" and hiding. DD is 8 and also still has the occasional sulk about having to leave a friend's house.

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MatildaTheCat · 10/05/2016 14:57

Can you enlist the help of the host parent? Say that your DC has trouble with the leaving phase and ask them to do the getting coats and shoes etc and being really quite firm.

Also do some role play at home on saying goodbye and thank you nicely. Then have some chats about how much more likely they are to be asked back if they behave well.

Although it's a trying phase keep the playmates going to improve social skills It will improve.

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Avebury · 10/05/2016 14:58

I am on the other side of this and I hate it when it takes a parent 20 mins to extricate the child from my house. Give them the warnings then when they muck around, roar at them, physically pick them up if you need to and leave. At 6 they know exactly how to behave - they wouldn't do this at school so just man up and don't take it.
Sorry - having had this just last night when I needed to get my own DC in the bath it really annoys me - as does a lot of soft parenting.

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Decanter · 10/05/2016 14:59

I could have written this OP, and nearly did very recently. It's so bloody tiresome. I'm seriously considering not allowing any more. Kids that come here are the same when they are being collected. Where possible I offer to drop them home then I just pop to the door with said kid and my DCs stay in the car. It's not just playdates though, it's leaving anywhere - clubs, parties etc. Does. My. Head. In.

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DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/05/2016 15:02

I resorted to chocolate bribes to eat on the way home

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SantinoRice · 10/05/2016 15:02

Completely agree with Avebury. I find it baffling that parents quietly plead with their kids to get their shoes on instead of just insisting. My DD has never done this... Maybe I'm just lucky?

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hillyhilly · 10/05/2016 15:06

I always told my children that if they couldn't leave somewhere nicely they couldn't go again and meant it so I think you need to practise good behaviour, remind him before the play date, and if necessary then no play dates for a week or whatever time will feel like a cancellation.
As the parent who's had children refusing to leave my house and mucking about, I have to say it is really tedious, they are quite often the kids who have been harder work and I'm ready for them to leave! I have cut back on invitations to those kids so it might be worth pointing that out too - if he wants to get invited back he needs to leave nicely!
I have two children and have so am often needing the play date gone in order to take the other one to a different activity.

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EponasWildDaughter · 10/05/2016 15:07

avbury same here.

They can behave at that age and do so at school (if there are no issues) so basically they are taking the piss. Makes me very angry and i wouldn't hesitate to tell them 'if i have to come over there and drag you i will - and Xs mum will remember you being a very naughty girl and i'll be very embarrassed and you wont come back to play with X for the rest of the year'.

And i'd mean it.

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Originalfoogirl · 10/05/2016 15:08

Santinorice Lucky? They didn't get that way all by themselves. 😉

Our girl is given a ten, five, one minute countdown when leaving anywhere. If she starts to complain she is told if she kicks off when we leave, then she won't be coming back. It's worked pretty well so far.

She kicked off at having to come inside and have dinner after playing out at the weekend. She has now been banned from going out to play for two weeks. Which, she really regretted yesterday with the nice weather we are having.

Just set the boundary and give them the consequence. Follow it through and it generally works ok.

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WalkOnTheMildSide · 10/05/2016 15:08

I am on the other side of this and I hate it when it takes a parent 20 mins to extricate the child from my house.

Snap, it is annoying. I don't understand parents who allow a 20 minute faff. My friends little girl is a nightmare when leaving, refuses to put shoes on, screams etc. She just lobs her over her shoulder shoeless and screaming all the way to the car. If they won't listen then I think it's fine to just pick them up and leave.

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Originalfoogirl · 10/05/2016 15:11

Avebury. I hate it too. With one particular child who was mucking about, I actually told her if she didn't get her shoes on, she couldn't come back again. Probably over stepped a boundary, but it worked.

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MLGs · 10/05/2016 15:14

My DD 7 is like that, but improving.

She and her friends (twins) all got "grounded" I.e. no playdates for a while at one stage which helped.

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Miffytastic · 10/05/2016 15:14

Yes been there, it's so much easier now she's a bit older but she still can be stubborn and stroppy. I have been utterly mortified on a couple of occasions both in the summer when we were both hot and bothered. What has worked for me is lots of warnings and a full discussion of expectations before going. Also a bribe/plan for something exciting to do/eat when you get out.

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Naughty1205 · 10/05/2016 15:17

Dd is 5 and this is what happens everytime we have a play date. Won't put on shoes, lies down on ground, total meltdowns, wants to stay longer even though I do a countdown ie we will be leaving in 15 mins...10 mins etc. it's so embarrassing. I'm good friends with the mother but would die if it happened on another play date but so far she hasn't had one outside of this best friend. Must rtft!

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Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 10/05/2016 15:17

6 is a bit old to behave like that - but it depends how novel playdates/ going to play at other people's houses is. I'd be a bit internally eye rolly at that from a 6 year old but one of mine was like that at 3-4 and some of his friends are at 5, as were some of my older DS's friends at 5 (none of my DD's friends ever did it that I remember). I must say I cracked down hard on it from my own children on because it is incredibly annoying, it makes your child look spoilt plus with my DS3, my only one to do this, not my only kid and for practical reasons if I was leaving I usually had another kid to pick up or waiting in the car so it was not an option for him to pee about for 20 minutes!

I've always done counting to 3 with a consequence. If I'm serious and want quick results the consequence is going to bed the moment we get home if he doesn't do as he's told by 3 - you only have to carry through on it once and it works every time after that.

The good thing about cracking down on it asap is that you can still fling them over your shoulder ... I am not sure even my 6 foot 4 DH could do that with my nearly 9 year old now...