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I tried too swallow my pride...

(92 Posts)
Kungfupandaworksout16 Tue 10-May-16 14:00:14

Yesterday I posted how I acted a bit of a twat in the heat of the moment in regards to my wedding. My sister had originally agreed to attend my wedding by herself , and her partner and baby and children will arrive at the end for photos [my sister asked for this as she likes the view at the venue] then all go to the party. Her partner had a controlling bitch fit and she pulled out of the ceremony but agreed to the party , I being a Mard arse told her you don't come to the wedding no party. So that's my old post in a shortened version.

I texted her today to apologise on my twattish behaviour and of course she can still attend all parts of the wedding like how the original plan was. I explained how nobody else's partner was there and it will literally be 40 minutes and if leaving baby is her problem she can bring baby as they don't count as a person as they'd be on somebody's lap [shes not allowed to take baby anywhere without him anyways so I knew this wasn't her problem] and no hard feelings if she doesn't attend the ceremony but it would break my heart if she didn't.

Her response was basically [I'm not sure it was her]
I should of considered her partner when I booked the room because he wants to attend desperately and I was out of order not to make room for him when we opted for the smaller room. She no longer is a single person and doesn't do activities by herself anymore where she goes he goes. So unless I can remove someone from the wedding to make room for him she will not be attending the ceremony. And if I want her to attend the party I must apologise to HIM and mean it as ive "upset him greatly"

I honestly tried , but I don't know where to go from here. In my opinion it wasn't my sister who sent that text but she'll know what his stipulations are for her agreeing to the party. Seeing as you all snapped me out of being a prat yesterday I was wondering What do I do now?

please read my previous thread before making hasty comments. I explained the situation multiple times

whois Tue 10-May-16 14:05:53

Um, well you acted like the bigger person and appologised. And now she/he is being difficult.

Not sure what I would do - maybe just text back "Sorry to hear that [x] is so upset. Love to still have you + baby at the wedding and/or all of you at the party. Hope to see you there. Love OP"

Then its totally in her court and you've acted honorably.

NightWanderer Tue 10-May-16 14:06:49

You cant control her behaviour. You have explained your situatikn and have been reasonable. If she doesnt attend that is up to her, just leave her to it and dont apologise as you have done nothing wrong. Hopefully one day she will see sense but prepare yourself for her not attending.

Brightnorthernlights Tue 10-May-16 14:09:58

I'm a bit confused, so you didn't invite your nephews/nieces and their dad (BIL?) to your wedding? You didn't link your previous thread.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Tue 10-May-16 14:16:00

I don't know how you link blush previous one is called should I swallow my pride

Kungfupandaworksout16 Tue 10-May-16 14:17:02

Hope Ive linked it grin ??

MissDuke Tue 10-May-16 14:17:50

I don't think there is much more you can do, except make it clear to your sister that you are there for her if she ever sees sense and leaves this guy. It is very sad that she has ended up with such a controlling person but I don't think you can really intervene until she actually wants help. Personally I don't think you should reply, the ball is in their court now and of course you shouldn't apologise to him. Was your sister a reasonable person before he came along?

NightWanderer Tue 10-May-16 14:18:56

I think its a very small ceremony with very limited numbers and the niece and nephew are a bit uncontrollable. Usually id be a bit hmm about it myself but can see the OP s point here.

MissDuke Tue 10-May-16 14:20:02

Just to add, my sil did not invite any nieces and nephews to her wedding either, and we were really hurt to be honest so attended the service only and then went home. I can see why they would be annoyed, but it seems to be more about the partner than the children which is where my response above is coming from.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Tue 10-May-16 14:22:37

The older children will be in school for part of the ceremony and for reasons I can't get into my nieces can't risk anymore unauthorised abcenses. missduke she's always had a knack for picking the wrong man. but he's got some control over her and ive never seen her like this before

MissDuke Tue 10-May-16 14:25:36

KungFu what a flipping nightmare sad It must be so hard to see her in a relationship like this. I really do feel for you but at the end of the day this is your big day coming up and they are causing you undue stress, you should now focus on yourself imo. In the case I mentioned above, we never said a word of complaint to anyone else and just said we had childcare issues (which was also true). We would never have put a dampner on the day.

RuggerHug Tue 10-May-16 14:28:27

I think what whois said is the best option. You've acknowledged it (so he can't turn it into a 'see she just ignored it, I'm the only one can rely on' shite) and you're showing you're still welcoming. I didn't comment on your last thread but this must be so horrible for you OPsad

Liiinooo Tue 10-May-16 14:28:37

This is so sad. Well done for being the bigger person and making that first move. I don't think there is much more you can do now except possibly appeal to his better nature saying ' I am sure you can understand how hard this is and we are really looking forward to you and the two older children joining us in the evening', but from what you have said about him that would be no help!

I don't think you should give in and accommodate him - he is already controlling your sister, I don't think you should let him control you too. flowers

Arfarfanarf Tue 10-May-16 14:29:02

She is being ridiculous.
What she wants is for one of your brother's siblings to be uninvited so that her partner can come.

So not only does she expect that she should be more important to you and your partner as a couple she also demands that her partner, a strangerand nobody to either of you be prioritised over a sibling of your husband.

Breathtakingly arrogant.

I think yoh have done enough.

Tell her she is as important than the other siblings but not more important. That you love her and hope she comes but if she chooses not to, that's fine.
And that they are all welcome at the party but you will not be apologising because he is offended that you do not consider him to be the most important person in your world.

Honestly, op, you chose the wedding you wanted. It might not be what other people wanted but that is neither here nor there.
It was fair. Parents and siblings on both sides to the wedding. Wider family and friends to the party.

Your sister wants you to change that to make it unfair in her favour.

She's being a brat.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Tue 10-May-16 14:29:31

She's given him the control though, and she's choosing to let him dictate to her. You said previously that she thinks its sweet that he cares and she likes how he is with her.
She is choosing his feelings over yours, he is more important to her despite it being a new relationship.

not much you can do about it. Tell her again that she is welcome to the wedding, he is welcome to the party, and you will not be apologising to him. And be prepared that none of them will come at all, probably.

Arfarfanarf Tue 10-May-16 14:30:36

Oh. And i guarantee her partner does not have a burning desire to proudly watch you exchange vows, so he can wear a nice hat and dab at his eyes with a hanky.
He doesnt give a shit about the ceremony.

He just wants to control everything and be important.

GarlicShake Tue 10-May-16 14:35:55

He just wants to control everything and be important. - Yes sad It must be upsetting to see your sister being 'erased' like this. But I think that giving in would send the wrong message.

Your reply was good. There's nothing else you can do.

FlyingElbows Tue 10-May-16 14:36:25

I don't think there's anything else you can do. You've apologised, you've extended the invitation again and now the ball's in her court. Saying they go everywhere together is ridiculous and a great big red flag but you're on a hiding to nothing trying to convince her it's not normal. All you can do is let her know that you're there when she needs you and await the inevitable. Try not to let it ruin your day. smile

HeffalumpHistory Tue 10-May-16 14:36:46

*guarantee her partner does not have a burning desire to proudly watch you exchange vows, so he can wear a nice hat and dab at his eyes with a hanky.
He doesnt give a shit about the ceremony.
He just wants to control everything and be important.*


Well done for being the bigger person. Your dsis oh sounds like a controlling twat. Different thread discussion but just be aware of his controlling of her. I'm sure he'd happily try get her to cut you out.

All you can do is reiterate what you have said, not enough space for him/not dropping anyone else/him & kids welcome to party & hope she attends.

Congratulations & hope you have a lovely day flowers

Queenie73 Tue 10-May-16 14:39:08

She no longer is a single person and doesn't do activities by herself anymore where she goes he goes

this bit made my blood run cold. Sadly all you can really do is tell her again that it won't be possible for her partner to come, but you look forward to seeing her at the party.

I think a quick call to Women's Aid for advice about supporting her if she wants to leave might also be in order. The thing about not being able to take the baby anywhere without him is really very worrying.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Tue 10-May-16 14:44:41

I just want all this too be over and done with I was actually half contemplating sending an apology text thinking that would be the end of it.

shoeaddict83 Tue 10-May-16 14:45:12

You said in your prev thread you have met this guy twice in 11 months - hes basically a stranger. So why on earth is he desperate as she states to come to ther wedding? Obviously not desperate to get to know you outside the wedding!!

BS! He wants to be in control and not be left out. This is YOUR wedding, if your sister cannot see that and agree to the compromises you have also made in that text then she'll have to miss out for her partner as she seems to prioritise him anyway. This is no longer your concern OP, you tried to be the bigger person and im sorry but shes being a total brat/letting him have control. Whether its her fault or not it shouldnt mean you change your plans to accommodate a stranger.

I hope you have a lovely day, and this doesnt mar it flowers

ShootingStar75 Tue 10-May-16 14:46:07

'Sorry to hear that X is so upset, although we've made it abundantly clear that it's not a case of singling him out we are only inviting close blood relatives from both sides of the family and we will not be uninviting anybody to make room for (your prick of a boyfriend), the same as we wouldn't if anyone else asked that of us. The offer still stands for you and baby to attend the ceremony and/or for you all to attend the party. Hope to see you there & you know where I am if you need me. Love KungFu'

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Tue 10-May-16 14:48:51

Kungfu, I read your post yesterday - you've reached out to her and apologised, I think you were the bigger person here. No way in fuck would I apologise to him though. angry

It takes an uncommonly rude and controlling person to kick up a fuss about someone else's wedding plans IMO - especially a newish partner of you sister. The bloody cheek of him.

I would calmly, but firmly, kick the ball back into her court with a reply along the lines of: 'Like I said I would be heartbroken for my own sister not to attend my wedding, the invitation stands for you to attend the ceremony, and for you all to attend the reception.'

Sorry you're going through this, but do not apologise to him. The twat.

Whocansay Tue 10-May-16 14:50:12

I'm so sorry. You've done what you can. You have explained that no-one else is bringing partners, so there isn't much else you can do.

He's making it all about him. It's your wedding. You certainly shouldn't be apologising to him.

I'd go back with a 'sorry you can't make it, but the door is open if you change your mind' type message to her. After that you have to let it go and concentrate on your wedding. Her partner is clearly a bastard, but your sister is making her own choice here. Try not to give it any more headspace.

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