I really need advice and apologies in advance, this will be long.
My brother is a lovely, shy, nerdy guy. He was bullied for years on school which we only found out about years later. He has been with his girlfriend for over 6 years, living together for 4. Full disclosure, the entire family find her annoying but that i can live with so long as she treats him well and make him happy and we have never been rude or let him know how we feel.
my issue is, she seems to have this pattern of getting hugely offended/digging her heels in at minor things and it is affecting him. she is very stubborn and convinces herself she is totally in the right and is fighting the good fight. i'm wondering if he is in for a lifetime of drama, feuds with neighbours, schools, anyone who looks at her sideways (which would really stress him out) and whether i should talk to him about maybe standing up to her if he wants to. but i don't want to butt in to their relationship. but i also want him to know it's ok for him to ask advice from his friends/family and not disloyal to her because i'm pretty sure he doesn't talk to anyone and she just rules the roost.
some examples of what i'm talking about to help explain:
- they were away for a weekend and got caught on public transport with the wrong ticket. instead of paying the fine and get on with their holiday she refused, saying they were tourists and it wasn't their fault. they were taken to the police station, there for 3 hours, passport details taken etc and are now afraid to return to the country in question ever again. she told me my brother chewed his nails right down till they bled while they were there. i know he would have been so stressed out. I would have loved for him to just insist they/he pay the fine as i know this is what he would have wanted to do.
- she can't drive and insists she doesn't have time to learn (she's a teacher and has good holidays). she has been saying this for years. he drives her everywhere and has mentioned in the past that it really annoys him that she won't even try to learn.
- they are house hunting they are looking only at brand new houses and she is refusing to even view anything else. Where we live there are very few new houses but loads of great houses in good condition, or houses that needs a lick of paint etc but she won't even consider them. they are looking at houses in a real miles away from work, family, friends etc and, she has said she doesn't care about location so long as the house is brand new. when i asked what did he want in a house she cut him off and said "he doesn't have any criteria". she also said "it's my house so i will decide" and then backtracked and said "well it's [brother]'s house too but i will be there all the time when we have kids". apart from anything else, financially he will be contributing the entire deposit (about 1/4 of the value of the house) and it sounds like he will be paying the mortgage too if she is going to quit work when they have kids. he is a very sensible person and i'd be shocked if he didn't want to make sure the house was a sound investment as well as a good home for them. I feel he is literally not allowed to have an opinion which is mental.
- the latest and what has me writing this because i'm so upset for him is they are invited to a wedding soon, the bride is a friend of his. Girlfriend booked a room in the hotel. bride rearranged the rooms so that family had the hotel rooms and other guests were in an adjoining lodge. Girlfriend found out and made my brother email the bride (he would never in a million years have done that without being made to) and tell her they didn't want to stay in the lodge and she also rang the hotel and went crazy at them for changing her room without telling her. Bride was very apologetic about the whole thing. Girlfriend is now refusing to attend the wedding. My brother is still going thank god. and it's on his 30th birthday. She asked my opinion and i said it was annoying re the rooms but she is being unreasonable and they will think she is a b!tch. she said "i don't care". i asked did she not care for my brother's sake as all his friends will be there and she said "no i don't care, I'm raging at the bride, no way am i going". my brother was again biting his nails away while this conversation took place.
i could go on with more examples along a similar vein but you get the idea.
i don't want to tell him to break up with her or anything but i want to make sure he knows it's ok to stand up to her and in fact, at times maybe he should, if she is being unreasonable. or that he can ask advice if he needs to. she has this pattern of creating a mountain out of a molehill and i am genuinely concerned that sooner or later one of our family will be on the receiving end and i can fully imagine her insisting he cut off contact. she has done this with friends in the past. i actually worry that when they have kids, me or my sister or my parents might not be allowed to see them if we say or do something to offend her. i have an opportunity to have a chat to him this week and she would never have to know we even saw each other.
should i do it or should i just mind my own business? what would i even say to him?