To be annoyed with the way that DH offers DD snacks

[Marama]

We have a PFB DD, 14 months old, who's a really good eater. Will eat just about anything that we put in front of her. We cook most of our own meals, which are usually vegetarian (though we're not veggies ourselves).

However, I'm a bit worried about DH giving her snacks. I don't want her to have anything sugary, salty or too fatty - although the occasional biscuit or ice cream is fine. But what worries me most is that DH gives her something to eat - whether it's raisins or a bit of his marmite on toast - whenever she's angry or crying. Basically offering food to distract her, rather than using other methods. I'm worried that she's going to associate food with comfort, rather than fuel. And today I changed her nappy and (TMI) there was a huge load of raisins in there...

She's got a little roundy tummy, but I wouldn't say that she's a very chubby baby, just normal, I guess. And she's still being breastfed, if that makes any difference.

I've told DH my concerns, but he rarely listens to me (a whole other discussion) but I'm not sure whether I'm BU here. I know that I have my own issues around food, which I'm desperate not to pass on to my daughter. I'm an overeater, and have relied on food to cheer me up when I'm unhappy, or to do something when I'm bored, and I definitely eat when I'm stressed too. I'm trying to get this under control as I don't want DD to be lumbered with my food issues.

So that makes me wonder whether I'm BU about how my DH offers DD food. He's skinny, needs to eat a lot as he cycles a lot. I'm also trying to make sure that DD grows up knowing that not all food is 'bad', which is why I think the occasional biscuit or ice cream is fine.

So, Mumsnet, AIBU here, or should I really try and get my DH to listen to my concerns? (He will, if I back them up with 'evidence')

[FutureGadgetsLab]

I think you're being PFB. People really overthink food these days. It's normal to poo raisins by the way, as it is with foods like sweetcorn.

I grew up with food issues because I have a textural sensitivity and it is hell.

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

I think you have a point and that she will learn that being upset or angry means food. Why does he even give it? Food is given when you are hungry but I also don't see the point in the ridiculous amount of snacking that seems to go on with a lot of children today. We have 3 meals a day, if they are genuinely hungry they can have something small in between as long as it's not too close to a meal (as they just won't eat it then). People I know take mountains of food and as soon as they turn up, out comes the food and the children flock over. They never even said they were hungry.

The real issue is that your DH refuses to listen to you and sounds like a regular thing. Is he doing it purely to spite you, because you have said don't?

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Is he really offering food everytime she is upset or angry? Or has it been once or twice?

I'm sure there are times she needs distracting when there isn't even any food around. What does he do then?

[Marama]

Future - I do think I overthink food! You're right on that one. And it wasn't that there were raisins in her poo, it was the sheer amount of them!

BeYourself - thanks for confirming what I was worrying about. My DD eats a huge amount for brekkie, lunch and dinner, and she doesn't really ask for food in between (she does ask for boob though)

RE his refusing to listen to me - this has always been a thing and pre-baby I was (mostly ) OK with just rolling my eyes at him. Obviously, it's different now we have a little one. His dad treats his mum the same way, so it's clearly learned behaviour, and DH knows he does it, just doesn't know when he's doing it. I'm running out of patience with it. He's a great guy in all other respects, and a hands-on dad, so this is really something that we need to work on. But it's definitely my least favourite of his qualities!

MumOnTheRun - it really is a lot, and it really is to distract her. Like I say, I don't know whether he's BU or I am, that's why I threw it out to you lot. If she's grumbling, I notice that he'll give her food. And he always takes food out with him because he cycles for at least 3 hours almost every day so he needs to keep up his energy. On the way back from the park the other day, he gave her a banana after a swing and a huge lunch, which ended up seeing again...

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

He is her father and has just as much right as you to parent how he sees fit.

[Marama]

NeedsAsock I get that - we do most of the parenting together. But he grew up in a family of boys and I don't think that he gets that many women - including me - have issues surrounding food. I really don't want to pass on my issues to my daughter, and the using food to distract her when she's feeling angry or upset is a major trigger for me.

I mean, as I'm typing all this, I'm seeing that probably the majority of the problem lies with me, but still - I don't think that she should be getting food to distract her from her emotions

[FutureGadgetsLab]

don't think that he gets that many women - including me - have issues surrounding food. I really don't want to pass on my issues to my daughter, and the using food to distract her when she's feeling angry or upset is a major trigger for me.

You're projecting your issues. The best way to ensure she doesn't have food issues is to not think about it/just let them get on with it unless she shows signs of under eating or over eating

[sleepwhenidie]

I don't think you are over-projecting. It's avert natural impulse to use food as comfort - babies feed both for comfort and nourishment after all, but problems arise later on when our only source of comfort or distraction is food and if this is actually what is happening then theres a risk. It is harder work finding alternatives but there are usually options available, and I also think that outside of offering food at mealtimes, snacking should be according to what the child asks for, not as a round the clock buffet. DC's have a very good connection with their natural appetite and we can often as parents damage this by constantly offering food, demanding plate is cleaned, using food as reward, demonising certain things.

[sleepwhenidie]

A very natural impulse

[GeorgeTheThird]

I think offering food as you describe is lazy parenting. He should distract her in other ways. Food is for mealtimes. And snack times too if you're a toddler. But not all-the-bloody-time. I agree with you, Op.