AIBU to say no to 'holiday'

[niceguy2]

My wife & I are in quite a fortunate position insofar as I earn a good income and have a side income from a business which is doing OK. My wife gave up her job in Feb due to stress of the position. A decision I supported as I could see how unhappy she was but at the same time I warned that whilst we'd be OK financially, until she found a new job that we'd have to cut back on the luxuries.

Last month my DD managed to get into Uni and will go in Sept. Due to my income, she won't be eligible for anything except the minimum loans which won't even cover her rent. The rest we'll be expected to fund. I don't have an issue with that. It's something I realised when she was born that I'd probably have to fund one day.

This morning my wife has put pressure on me by saying she wants to go visit her family who live abroad in the summer. I explained that we'd have to see how money is nearer the time but that doesn't seem to be good enough for her. And that it's all a matter of priorities. She's right. And it's not my priority right now to fund a trip abroad for us all whilst she's not working and we are down 1/3 of our monthly income. Obviously she's not happy about that.

Given we've only just come back from a week's break when her family came to visit us that cost us a fair bit, I'm reeling a bit. I'm just worried right now how we will cope with funding DD through Uni if she is still not working.

All would be OK if she got a job but since Feb my wife has managed to apply for absolutely no jobs. Yesterday she managed to show me her CV which looks great, as it should for 2.5 months work. If she was applying for jobs then I could maybe see that in time she'd get a job and we'd be OK again.

I don't even mind what job it is or how much it pays. My income pays for our usual living expenses and my side income could fund DD through Uni if my wife works. But it can't do that AND go on holidays. Of course she doesn't see it as a holiday but frankly that's exactly what it is.

So AIBU?

[Rebecca2014]

No of course your not. Does she leave you in charge of the finances which is why she's a bit clueless when it comes to what you can afford etc?

Best thing to do is show her this thread

[AlexandraEiffel]

You sound like you think you're in charge and its up to you to make these decisions. Income is shared, decisions are shared, responsibility is shared. So in that sense YABU. You need to have these discussions with your wife, as an equal, rather than coming to some decision you then justify to her.

[curren]

Yanbu. I agree, it's a case of priorities. Living expenses and dds uni is the priority.

Visiting her family isn't. Quite frankly, whilst understand hating your job, surely she realised your would have to cut back if she gave up work without having another job to go to.

[MadisonMontgomery]

Could you do a budget & show it to her - what money is coming in, where it is being spent & the costs of uni? Maybe if she doesn't fully realise what money you both have she might think you are just being mean.

[whois]

Is a visit to her family expensive? Could she get a cheap flight and then stay wiht relatives for free?

On the face of it, you aren't being U. Living expenses plus DD through uni are the priority and if there isn't any money left for a holiday then that's that. You can't magic up more cash. However if actually you are a member of an expensive tennis club costing £120/month and just got a new BMW on finance costing £600/month etc etc then that would change things :-)

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

You say 'your' dd. Is your wife her mum?

[niceguy2]

I am sort of in charge of the finances. We have a joint account which all income goes into so in that respect it's all shared and that's the way we both want it.

However, I am sort of in charge of finances as I am the only one who logs into the bank on a regular basis, deals with all the bills and works out how much money we have. She generally only logs in when she doesn't believe me when I say she can't spend on something. I wish I could make it sound better but that's pretty much it. We have a finance spreadsheet which details all our income/outgoings but again I'm pretty much the only one who looks at it.

If she goes on her own then that's probably fine and wouldn't cost too much. A few hundred. But if we all go then no-one can put us all up so we'd have to stay in a hotel and of course food etc means the cost shoots right up. Probably I estimate to be £1500ish.

[ceebie]

YANBU. If she's not working, perhaps she has more time to take an active interest in the FAMILY finances, and can plan your expected expediture over the next year including supporting your DD at uni. Perhaps then she'll get it.

[niceguy2]

You say 'your' dd. Is your wife her mum?

No my DD is from a previous relationship. Her real mum isn't interested in financially supporting her. That falls on me. Another sore point but one I've had to accept.

[FetchezLaVache]

Could she not go to see her family on her own then, to keep the costs down?

I think you need to talk to your wife about why she's not in a hurry to get back into work. Did the last job really knock her confidence? Could she be depressed?

[Branleuse]

I think you need to compromise and stop punishing your wife. She left for stress reasons, and it sounds like you already have a healthy income if your side income alone could support your dd through university. I think visiting her family is not a massive luxury. Its something to keep her sane. You sound like youre treating her as a child

[dustarr73]

He's not treating her like a child,he's prioritising his child.Which should be applauded. If your wife wants a holidays she'll have to get a job.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Punishing his wife?! How is he punishing her?! She's pushing for a holiday that they can't afford due to her quitting her job. There's nothing wrong with her doing that but she needs to realise that there will be certain changes because of that decision.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Hasn't her family just been over here to visit??

She needs to grow up!

[LagunaBubbles]

You sound like youre treating her as a child

There is always someone that "takes the womans side" no matter what. Hes not treating her like a child at all, simply saying they cant afford a holiday - if you cant afford something you dont have it.

[AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou]

It doesn't sound like you were as supportive of her leaving her job as you say you were. And you seem to be telling her that your DD is your priority,which is fine but if you are spending joint finances on your child you need to discuss it between you, not tell her that you are spending it and she gets no say. I presume she's been working and helping to support your DD for a long time?

[LagunaBubbles]

And you seem to be telling her that your DD is your priority,which is fine but if you are spending joint finances on your child you need to discuss it between you, not tell her that you are spending it and she gets no say

And can you imagine the outcry if he came on here and said he was prioritising a holiday with his wife rather than pay for his DDs education? There would be an uproar!

[niceguy2]

Thanks Branleuse. It's another opinion that I was after. And that's exactly what I don't want to sound like.

I supported her leaving but like I said there were consequences of her leaving since it meant a 1/3 reduction in our income. That's not me punishing her but a simple fact of life. Whilst she was in work we were very lucky and had several holidays a year, went out a lot etc. That's what I'm saying we have to cut back on. I don't know many families that could take a 33% drop in income and still live exactly the same.

I wouldn't even mind so much if she said she wanted to stay a housewife as long as she then accepts that we can't spend like we used to. I like having her around more.

Right now I feel like I'm the only one juggling money around like crazy whilst she just expects it to be there when she wants. She feels like it's me who is spending more and that she's cut back a lot. But I think she's confusing business expenses with personal spending.

[Birdsgottafly]

""And it's not my priority right now to fund a trip abroad for us all ""

Is she saying that she won't consider going on her own? 'Priorities' should be decided together, not just by the person holding the purse strings.

It needs further discussion and she needs to get more involved in what will be coming in and going out.

As said, is she viewing this trip as a means to help to get over her stress and she'll come back to a new start, work wise?

What's her friendship group like, in the UK?

[shovetheholly]

I think you're perhaps both being a little bit unreasonable.

You're absolutely right to think of your DD and your long-term financial health in this situation.

However, it's really important that you recognise that your wife has been through a major ordeal. Being that stressed at work that you have to quit or face a nervous breakdown is a terrible thing. She is probably still reeling from it, and perhaps her inertia could be a result of depression and a loss of confidence? The fact that she's put together a CV is a really good, positive sign - and making encouraging, confidence-building noises is probably the best thing you can do for both of you right now.

I would suggest sharing all the financial information you have and making a mutual decision on the basis of the facts about what you'll need to pay your DD and what you can afford. It might well run along the lines of 'We can have a holiday, but only if you're earning. If not, it'll have to be a week camping in the rain in Western Scotland'. That's enough of a threat to get anyone's career restarted!!

[herethereandeverywhere]

What's his wife contributing to all of this? Sound like she expects to be funded like the DD going to university.

[niceguy2]

Hasn't her family just been over here to visit??

They were here last week and we all went away together.

but if you are spending joint finances on your child you need to discuss it between you, not tell her that you are spending it and she gets no say

Actually this isn't something that's a big issue. We both highly value education so supporting DD in principle isn't the issue. The issue is that it will cost a lot of money which I see involves us cutting back. I'm worried so don't want to spend on a holiday as I see is an easy luxury to cut back on. My wife thinks we can afford both. But I am using my detailed knowledge of our finances to reach that opinion. I fear she isn't.

[curren]

He isn't punishing or controlling or any of the other shit.

No matter what the reasons are, there has been a drop in income. That means some things have to be cut back on. That's how life works.

It's sounds like she doesn't want to work/ can't face it due to the stress. But doesn't want their lifestyle to change. That's not possible in this situation.

[niceguy2]

I would suggest sharing all the financial information you have and making a mutual decision on the basis of the facts about what you'll need to pay your DD and what you can afford. It might well run along the lines of 'We can have a holiday, but only if you're earning. If not, it'll have to be a week camping in the rain in Western Scotland'. That's enough of a threat to get anyone's career restarted!

All financial information has been shared for years but like I explained only one of us looks at it.

The holiday line is pretty much what I've been saying. That if she got a job then it's a non-issue. But otherwise we'll have to see nearer the time if we can afford it. I'm not even saying no. I'm just saying we'll have to see.

Right now I got paid last week and we have enough money left for about 2.5 weeks. But I don't get paid for 4. Not the end of the world if we watch what we spend but it doesn't put me in the mood for agreeing to a holiday.

[Elllicam]

I can see both sides. Could your wife possibly be depressed? Just thinking if she was unhappy and stressed at work and now lacks motivation. Does she have friends? You sound like you are very busy work wise, could she be lonely? That might explain why she wants to see her family, especially if she doesn't come from the UK?