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to not want my ex's girlfriend treated like my daughter's mother

(112 Posts)
frecklesagogo Tue 10-May-16 08:55:10

It was a bad split, i left him. He has 50/50 custody, but mostly leaves my DD (5) with his girlfriend. Its galling, I wish to have more time with DD, and her precious childhood is spent sometimes with neither parent, but a stranger.

Ex keeps telling DD "one day, when we get married she will be your mum". And now, his girlfriend thinks she is DD's mum: she has asked to join the school mums WhatsAp Group and come to social events with the mums.

I raised it with the PTA and said I wasn't comfortable but was told "if it was me, I'd suck it up". I'm left with no choice, so while I'm trying to make new friends with the school mums, I'm effectively competing against my ex's girlfriend.

AIBU? PTA made me feel like a petty child but I just can't accept it. I don't want to go to the pub with a load of mums, and her, and indulge in this charade. I don't want her on the whatsap group sending messages about my daughter - that's my job. My boyfriend has two kids and I respectfully stay away from their mums territory, so i don't feel her approach is right. My boyfriend says its just a phase and as soon as she has her own baby she'll back off - I hope he's right.

LouBlue1507 Tue 10-May-16 08:59:54

Surely it's better that she loves your daughter instead of resenting her or trying to make life difficult? x

TheFuckersBitingMe Tue 10-May-16 09:01:02

And what if she's never able to have her own baby? What then? What happens if she does have a baby then drops your DD like a shitty stick? How much damage will either of those situations do to your DD?

I know step parents often get a massive kicking when it comes to things like this, but this time she absolutely needs to back right off. Your DD's school and education and welfare is the concern of her parents. If she wants to help, sure, she can be kind, listen to your DD, help her if she ever asks for help and always set a good example. Aside from that there's nothing she needs to do.

Go back to court and work something out which doesn't involve someone else parenting your child.

blueskyinmarch Tue 10-May-16 09:02:08

I can see how this is hard and i really don’t think your ex should be saying that his gf will be your DD’s mum when they marry. You are her mum and that is that.

However, i think maybe you need to step back and look at how this is working out for your DD. Does she like this person? Does the gf take good care of DD? It sounds like the gf wants to do the best for your DD when she and your ex have care of her. If you can both try to get on whilst mixing in the same circles for the sake of your DD then maybe that will be the best outcome for her?

LouBlue1507 Tue 10-May-16 09:03:06

How long have they been together btw? x

HappySeven Tue 10-May-16 09:04:48

I know it's hard but I do think it's better that she wants to have an active role in your daughter's life. She will never take your place (and your ex is wrong if he actually says that to your daughter) but she can have a beneficial effect on your daughter and her life.

If you can accept that it will help your daughter trust her and as she spends so much time with her then them having a good relationship can only be a good thing for your daughter.

You do have my sympathy but I think you need to find a way to accept this.

EatShitDerek Tue 10-May-16 09:04:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy Tue 10-May-16 09:05:51

She is paying more attention to your Dd than her dad is imagine if she wemt to her dads and nobody was paying attention to her so your dd has a stable influence while she is there however the gf is really overstepping being involved in school thats ridiculous but again your dds dad isnt arsed it sounds really steessful for you though

leelu66 Tue 10-May-16 09:06:15

Can you apply for a greater share of custody, given he is not spending the time with his DD?

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Tue 10-May-16 09:10:44

I agree.... It's better for your DD to have all the adults in her life looking out for her and loving her

It's about what is best for her..... Not you

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Tue 10-May-16 09:12:39

leeluu it doesn't work like that!

Oysterbabe Tue 10-May-16 09:13:52

How long have they been together? I'm sure she's hardly a stranger.

FeckOfffCup Tue 10-May-16 09:20:08

Well for a start, I think it's out of order on your ex's behalf that he's got 50/50 custody and is using new gf as babysitter. How much time is he spending with your daughter? If it's because of work commitments could the time he has her be altered so he sees more of her?
Also I wouldn't be happy about the phrase 'when we get married she'll be your mum' I understand how that will upset you. She'll never be your Dd's mum - you are.
That said I think it sounds like she has the best intentions but a balance needs to be found between her being a positive part of your daughters life and her being 'mum' too and doing too much of the parenting which quite frankly are yours and your ex's responsibilities.

crusoe16 Tue 10-May-16 09:20:28

It's about what is best for her..... Not you

This

LouBlue1507 Tue 10-May-16 09:21:46

leelu66 I think what you're suggesting is completely unreasonable! Just because a parent has 50/50 custody of their child does not mean they have to be with them for the whole time.. People have to work, Run errands etc. Starting a custody dispute would only disrupt DDs life and will probably do more harm than good!

sportinguista Tue 10-May-16 09:26:23

I have a stepson (now an adult) and I have never at any point been involved with his school, I haven't needed to be. I also have never assumed the place of a mum to him. I have on occaision been asked to sit for him when my husband wasn't there but not regularly.

Don't get me wrong I do love him and have been in his life since he was tiny but especially at the start of our relationship would have never got involved to that extent. He had a mum and that was her place.

I think that although the GF may have the best intentions it truly isn't her place to be involved with the school and also your ex is using her as an unpaid babysitter and that isn't fair on her either however much she would like to. You need to have a chat and get some clear boundaries. Your ex should not be saying such things either as it might not work out and they may break up which will have an impact.

Being a stepmum is a balancing act. In that position you need to be a positive, loving adult in the child's life but not a replacement for their parent.

frecklesagogo Tue 10-May-16 09:30:06

Thanks so much for the responses. Yes, its what's best for my daughter. I want her to be happy, I just wish I could have more time with her - but that's me being selfish again. It is so hard to accept, but that's why I need the fresh perspectives of others. If the majority vote it suck it up, then suck it up I shall.

Workinzzz Tue 10-May-16 09:30:56

She might be asking to get involved with school things so she is up to date with what is going on and looking out for your daughter. If dad doesn't pay enough attention to what is going on at school or pass on messages you have sent then she is trying to avoid situations like sending her in uniform on wbd, no money on cake sale days etc..

I don't think its unreasonable to want to look out for your daughter, although your ex is BU saying she will be her mummy, she has one already and doesn't need another.

As PP said, its what is best for your daughter that matters.

Workinzzz Tue 10-May-16 09:31:25

It would annoy me too though

MrsJayy Tue 10-May-16 09:32:04

A pp said she is doing to much parenting I agree with this it is something you need to take up with your Dds dad maybe he is quite happy for her to do the parenting so he doesnt have to or maybe the girlfriend is too enthusiastic about doing the right thing but you all need to find some balance

MilkOfAmnesia Tue 10-May-16 09:34:23

One day when we get married she will be your Mum

No. Just no.

When you say it was a bad split are things better now? Do you think by that sentence he means they may one day apply for full custody of her?

I think its great that GF obviously cares about your DD but she does seem to be overstepping the mark a little bit.

How does DD feel about all of this? ( assuming she acknowledges it. 5 year olds seem to like whoever let them have their own way! )

wallywobbles Tue 10-May-16 09:34:36

I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about this so learn to live with it the best you can.

The reality is that you are all her parents - even her soon to be step-mum. You all have roles in parenting her. I know non step parents on mumsnet don't like this view but it is what it is. Your DD's family will in all likelihood get bigger and more complicated. And you are part of that. But she is loved and cared for by lots of adults. This is not a bad thing for her. It's certainly hard for you though.

That said she only has one mother. She knows that. You know that. Try to make that count enough to get over these feelings.

The school thing is more tricky but I suspect you would be better making an ally of her if you can bare to. Certainly don't have to be friends. But if you make people choose expect to be the one that looses.

I am hugely grateful that my step mum treated us all as her kids. How awful it would have been to be treated as "other". I am a step mum and a mum too. I treat everyone the same. It's not easy. (I would happily farm out the school bit though. I hate it.) we constantly try to do the best for the kids first. All of them.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Tue 10-May-16 09:40:43

50/50 is what it is

Kids need to experience normal life when with parents.... So yes, dd will get left with a step parent/grandparent/childminder etc. It's life. Normal family life

You don't ship the child back to the other parent just because mum or dad needs to do something

Slummamumma Tue 10-May-16 09:41:02

OP, I completely understand what you are going through and your feelings. What I would say is that it is good that she is wanting to be involved in DD's life and that if she is future stepmother, that they have a good relationship. However, your ex has totally overstepped the mark by saying she will be her 'mum' - NO, you are her mother and always will be. It is incredibly damaging and confusing for him to be saying this. It is also wrong for her to be so involved in the school - fine that the school and other mums know who she is for pickup/playdates on their weekends etc but no further than that. Please address this and the 'mum' issue directly with GF and your Ex. Feel for you as this is incredibly hard but you draw the lines as you are her parent

MarianneSolong Tue 10-May-16 09:41:28

I'm a stepmother. (Stepchildren grown up now.) The way it worked for me was this. My partner and the children's mother dealt with the major stuff re schooling. But I'd help out on occasion. For example there was a parents' evening when both my partner and their mother were working, so I went along - then relayed all the info to my partner. Similarly when it came to visiting potential secondary schools, there was one open day that was tricky for partner and the children's mother. So I took my stepdaughter around.

I think my partner's ex really thought I shouldn't be around. (Ideally disappear into a cupboard when the kids where having 'contact' with their Dad?) But that wasn't how it worked - and there was an extent to which my involvement benefited the children and benefited her.

Oh and when my partner and I had a child together, that was a sibling for my stepchildren - who were certainly not dropped or left out.

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