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To not give my only child a sibling?

(32 Posts)
Flower246 Mon 09-May-16 20:22:05

It took years of trying to conceive, miscarriages, IVF to finally have my DD, nearly 5. She is an absolute blessing and a lovely child. However, she is absolutely desperate to have a sibling - I hoped it was a phase but it's been going on over a year. My DH and I are quite happy with only one but we feel very guilty & wonder if it will adversely affect her or whether she will eventually realise that bring an only isn't so bad! Due to age & fertility issues it would need to be a donor egg or adoption if we did want to have another child so not easy or straightforward!

Moanranger Mon 09-May-16 20:30:29

Oh, dear, no, don't do it for the sake of a 5 yr old! Tell her she is so wonderful that you couldn't possibly consider sharing the love you have for her with another. Or something like that. Only children generally get on well in life, although I am sure sometimes they wish they had a sibling.
I was the middle of 5 & desperately wished to be an only child!

originalmavis Mon 09-May-16 20:34:25

Dear God, at 5 my son would have wanted a pet wooly mammoth. We didn't get him one...

Floggingmolly Mon 09-May-16 20:36:44

Your 5 year old should have no part of any decision you make re. further children.

Mishaps Mon 09-May-16 20:39:02

The disruption to your settled family would be huge if you had to go through all of that again. It might be nice for her to have a sibling, but there is a lot at stake here, and many factors that your DD cannot possibly comprehend. Juts tell her she is enough - and take every opportunity to let her mix with younger children and find out that they take your toys and are generally a bit of a pain!

springtimevintagedream Mon 09-May-16 20:40:33

I would be honest with her in an age appropriate way, I think.

Believeitornot Mon 09-May-16 20:41:18

You have another child if you want to have one, not because your dd wants a sibling.

KittyandTeal Mon 09-May-16 20:48:27

My dd1 is only 3.

We have lost dd2 and ds in the space of 14months. We have now made the decision that we will not try for any more, just too much of a risk.

Dd1 knows this in an age appropriate way. She knows she has a sister and a brother who died but that mummy won't be having any more babies in her tummy ('because the babies all die in your tummy mummy?' Pretty much, yeah!)

I think if you are happy with one then you need to explain that she is very special but that there won't be anymore children. Does she have cousins that she's close to? I'm hoping that that will be a saving grace for us. Tbh I am absolutely dreading this situation with dd1 as I know she wants a baby and would make a brilliant big sister but it's not going to happen.

TheABC Mon 09-May-16 20:56:09

If you are happy with one child, then that's the way it is. Could you distract her by "adopting" a close friend's baby and taking her through the milestones, birthdays, etc?

Floggingmolly Mon 09-May-16 20:57:38

God that's hard, Kitty. flowers

starry0ne Mon 09-May-16 20:59:09

My DS still wants a sibling occasionally (9)..However he is also old enough to understand the benefits of been an only child.

I think mostly it is him wanting to be with other children rather than actually wanting a sibling..

He has plenty of chance to be with other children and is very good at making friends so it works.

Lovepancakes Mon 09-May-16 21:02:26

I'm so sorry Kitty.

OP I would explain that it's unlikely you can (explain why if you can) as it will stop her longing for a sibling if she understands. I feel for you but do think that unless the hoping for another baby is from you not her she will understand and better than her still hoping.

Janecc Mon 09-May-16 21:39:35

DD almost 8 still wants a sibling. I'm too ill - and now getting rather old to have another child. I have told her it isn't possible because I'm not well enough and I wouldn't be able to look after her if I had a baby (assuming I would even be able to conceive naturally). I tell her what wonderful gift and blessing she is and that some people are supposed to have lots of children and some aren't.

RunnerOnTheRun Mon 09-May-16 21:42:22

I can't yet see the benefit of giving siblings blush it's really hard and they're not the best of friends...
Get a pet?

SharedLife Mon 09-May-16 22:13:19

Was mulling this over tonight, really glad I saw this thread.

Last week I had a medical termination at 13 weeks due to the baby having anencephaly, it has been absolutely devastating. There is a 1 in 50 chance of it happening again with a future pregnancy. I know it is very early days but the thought of taking that risk is just too much for me! DS8 was so excited to be a brother and now he is disapointed. I know he really wants a sibling. I just don't think it will be the right thing for our family in the long term. DS might not fully understand now but he will in time I'm sure.
I had a lovely DB but I always wished I had a sister. One of DS best friends often laments he wishes he was an only like DS when he sees the "perks" of being the only child.

I think if you are clear about why you are choosing to stick with one then when DC might feel regret about being an only you can explain to them why you made your decision and one day they will understand.

Flower246 Mon 09-May-16 22:22:56

Thx girls, think in many ways it's bringing up my own feelings of loss from all the years of failed TTC and making me think irrationally about it. She also wants a dog but I'm happy to say no to that one (a cat is enough!) Think more play dates are the answer.
Sorry to hear your story Kitty <hugs>

Lymmmummy Mon 09-May-16 22:23:26

No YANBU - put I am sure that still doesn't take away some of the guilt you may be feeling.

Realistically some children thrive with siblings others not so much - having a sibling is not a magic bullet. There are many positives of being an only child please don't forget that

EatShitDerek Mon 09-May-16 22:28:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EveOnline2016 Mon 09-May-16 22:33:34

Don't feel guilty about not being able to give her this one thing.

Dh is an only child and he hasn't known anything different.

wasonthelist Mon 09-May-16 23:21:26

DD, now 8 went through a phase of this - it's heart rending isn't it? One year her Christmas list for Santa included "A real baby sister". We wanted a 2nd but were unable to conceive and too old for NHS treatments - also once we couldn't conceive naturally, her Mum didn't want to try anything else. Being an only child has advantages and drawbacks - maybe when she's older she'll be able to understand and accept why things were as they were - hopefully the same with yours.

janey77 Mon 09-May-16 23:22:21

Mine is an only child, she keeps asking for a sibling but I've told her not to hold her breath lol....I'm an only child too and don't feel like I've missed out on anything, and even if you had more kids it doesn't mean they would like each other anyway! I'd also explain the concept of sharing toys and how a little one would end up breaking their stuff, that should soon put her off smile

SomethingOnce Tue 10-May-16 00:18:48

If your DD has a child(ren), there will def be no aunts and uncles, or cousins, on her side.

This is the thing that most bothers me about being an only.

scaryteacher Tue 10-May-16 01:39:08

I was advised not to have any more kids after ds, and he has never (afaik) felt the lack of a sibling. Even now at 20, he says he enjoyed being an only child, as he did very well out of it in terms of the attention etc, and still does. A sibling would perhaps have knocked some of his corners off, but as he would have been the eldest, who knows? He has 4 cousins who have brought him down a peg or six when it was warranted.

Needmorewine Tue 10-May-16 06:00:57

No not at all. You cannot have another one just for that reason - they may not even get on! If you are happy as you are keep it that way. Siblings are not the be all and end all.

curren Tue 10-May-16 06:55:26

I honestly don't think anyone should have a baby because their existing child wants a sibling.

Dd was an only until she was 7. She wanted a sibling since she was about 2. We didn't want one. Then we changed our mind. It took 18 months to get pregnant. 2 days after I found out I was pregnant (but we hadn't told her) she announced she had changed her mind and didn't want one.

Ds is now 5 and she does adore him, but she was a child. They change their mind.

Ds is now asking me to produce and older brother for him because his friend has a 15 year old brother who my ds adores. No way would we go out and adopt an older boy just because Ds asked.

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