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AIBU?

AIBU to let them go on holiday with GP's against ex's wishes?

33 replies

lalalalyra · 09/05/2016 13:55

My ex's parents want to take my twin DDs to Italy for two weeks. My girls are 13, they'll be almost 14 when they go. One week and a day of the trip will be in school holidays so it will require 4 days off school. I wouldn't normally agree with days off school, however their aunt is getting married and ex's family from Australia are all making the trip over (if it's relevant ex's mother is Italian, but ex grew up in Australia so thats one of the reasons the wedding is there. They have a huge amount of family in their GM's hometown.).

I'm happy for them to go. DD2 has some medical issues, but her GP's are very capable of dealing with her. They stay with their GP's semi-regularly (it used to be more, but they are teenagers are have parties/dance lessonsetc) and, again relevant imo, if ex has them and there are any issues with DD2's health he calls his mother to deal with it.

Ex is remarried and has three young children. He is in the military (probably not relevant, but he chose to sign up when the girls were babies and just after we split - so not a 'you knew what you were getting into' scenario for me) and isn't attending the wedding as he'll be away. His wife doesn't like his parents so she isn't going with their children. Absolutely fine, their choice.

However, he's decided he's not happy for the girls to go. This has been planned for ages, the girls want to go, they are looking forward to catching up with their Australian cousins (ex's brother still lives there, he has twin girls who mine are in regular Skype contact with) and I have absolutely no concern about GP's ability to care for them. His first objection was DD2's health, but GP's are more than able to cope. Then it was missing school, but I've already spoken to school and they are ok with it. They can't authorise it, but they have no issues with the girls missing the time because of the circumstances. Now his issue is that it's unfair on his children if their siblings go and they can't.

AIBU to basically ignore him? He doesn't want them to go because his younger kids aren't going, I would have sympathy if he always took all five children places, but he took his younger children to Australia two years ago and couldn't afford to take the girls (used school as the excuse, but admitted it was cost) and they holiday every year without our girls so I don't see why they should miss out.

Also, maybe relevant, maybe bitchy (I had a baby on Friday - he always finds something to kick off about when he finds out I'm pregnant, have a baby, get married etc) he doesn't have PR as he didn't want it, he's not on the girls' birth certificates and he hasn't actually seen them since January (he's had 3 weekends off that I know of in that time - two were spent with his wife's family at events that didn't include the girls and the last he and his wife had a romantic break away). On the other hand they've seen their grandparents at least once a fortnight. I facilitate their relationship with their grandparents because left to him they once went almost a year not seeing their GPs until his Mum wrote to me basically begging to see them.

I knew he'd kick off about something. I just knew it.

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Barmaid101 · 09/05/2016 13:58

Let them go, they will have a great time

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CrazyDuchess · 09/05/2016 14:00

Let them go - with no PR he can't stop it without going to court and he doesn't sound motivated enough to do it!

Sounds like a fantastic trip!

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CoolforKittyCats · 09/05/2016 14:00

Are you willing to pay anyou fines yourself that may come up?

Won't the GP need letters of authority from both of you to travel?

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CoolforKittyCats · 09/05/2016 14:01

Just seen he has no PR.

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petalsandstars · 09/05/2016 14:02

You trust the GPs to get them back here? No chance of them trying to keep them in Italy? It doesn't read like there are those type of issues, so I'd let them go- ex doesn't get to dictate if he can pick and choose according to what suits him.

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Fairylea · 09/05/2016 14:02

Just let them go, especially at that age. If they were smaller and he decided to kick up a fuss it might be a different situation but at teenage?! Your ex doesn't have pr, they don't need his permission. So tough luck basically! Grin

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Lighteningirll · 09/05/2016 14:07

Let them go a wedding in Italy will be a magical experience plus an extended family visit he's being a cock ignore him unless he comes up with a rock solid valid reason for spoiling their fun I think he's just being mean (or worried about looking bad)

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honeysucklejasmine · 09/05/2016 14:07

I'd let them go. I'd also like to overhear him trying to stop you, especially as its his parents who are taking them.

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IndridCold · 09/05/2016 14:08

Let them go. I think it's lovely that they are able to keep in regular touch with their father's side of the family, and are on great terms with them even though he sounds like a bit of a knob.

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TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/05/2016 14:08

Ignore him, its not your daughters fault that his wife refuses to go and take their kids. Also not their fault that hes away.

They want to go, you're happy to let them so ignore him. He doesnt have PR so he cant object to it.

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lalalalyra · 09/05/2016 14:11

petals No chance of them trying to keep them in Italy. GP's don't want to live in Italy, but also their son who lives in Australia is coming back here with them with his family for a two-week stay. So I know they'd never miss the time with their Australian grandchildren.

Can't see him going to court at all. He was offered the chance to get PR when we decided to get DH step-parent PR for the girls and me for his son. We were paying for everything, all he had to do was be part of it and he declined as it was 'pointless and unneccessary' so really can't see him have the inclination to get up and do it all himself.

It's madness. He just doesn't want anyone in his extended family to ask the girls any questions that might reveal that he's a shit father. That'll be the main issue.

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PotteringAlong · 09/05/2016 14:12

If he doesn't have PR then not a leg to stand on. Sod him! Sounds like a great trip with lovely grandparents. Lucky girls I say.

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TheSuspiciousMsWhicher · 09/05/2016 14:12

If he had PR then he could veto the trip. But since he doesn't, crack on with the trip and ignore him. He doesn't get to have the privileges of PR if he doesn't actually want PR.

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lalalalyra · 09/05/2016 14:14

Also re fines - GP's have included the cost of full fines in their holiday budget and have been very firm that if there are any fines they'll be paying them.

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getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/05/2016 14:16

Don't let your girls suffer because their dad is a prize prick. They have a whole set of family on his side that love them and want to see them. Heck, if you can, go with them! Although with a new baby, not sure how easy that would be.
Just don't punish the girls or the GP's because one man can't stand up to his responsibilities and be a decent father.
FWIW, I think you are doing an amazing job to keep up with the family relations that he should be part of. I think it would probably do you some good to bond with the baby whilst the oldest two are away with family that you trust as well.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 09/05/2016 14:22

"He just doesn't want anyone in his extended family to ask the girls any questions that might reveal that he's a shit father. That'll be the main issue."
That was exactly what I was thinking as I read your OP! And I always think if you don't want to seem like a shit father, don't BE a shit father. It's really very simple.

I hope your girls have a lovely time.

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Chlobee87 · 09/05/2016 14:25

Definitely let them go! It sounds like a fab trip and they are already excited.

He can't pick and choose which parts of fatherhood he wants - and actually, fatherhood isn't about randomly stamping your foot down and disallowing things anyway.

His reasons for not wanting them to go are unclear but whatever they are, they are about HIM and not the DC (his other kids feeling left out, him not maintaining a decent relationship with his family, him being nervous that they might 'out' him as a shit dad etc.). Ignore him, tell him he's being silly and just send the kids on holiday. I'm very jealous - it sounds like a great trip!

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/05/2016 14:37

he doesn't have PR

Then in the nicest possible way tell him to fuck off and mind his own business ! Did you actually ask him if he was ok with it or did he hear that they were going on the family grapevine and object??

If it's the former then just stop asking for his consent unless you actually want negative input into your children's lives eg: DD wants a gigantic tattoo - he might be worth wheeling out then.

If it's the latter then simply say that his opinion wasn't asked for, and Ignore.

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2016Hopeful · 09/05/2016 14:38

Let the girls go. They seem to have more of a relationship with his parents than they do with him. Sounds like a good opportunity for them to have a holiday and see family members. He doesn't have PR so it is up to you.

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Sundance01 · 09/05/2016 14:48

Ok - I am going to say this is not your problem to sort out.

These are his parents, his family and it is really between them. If you are completely comfortable and happy for them to go then do not get involved in their family dynamics.

Tell the GP that you are happy to go along with whatever the family decide but it is for them to tackle with their son.

Tell your ex that you have no problem with it but are not going to get involved now or afterwards - he needs to talk to his parents

On this occasion pass the buck!!!!

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Ginkypig · 09/05/2016 15:03

Have you told the grandparents that he is trying to stop them going?

If they knew he was shit stirring so it was all in the open he wouldn't be able to do it anymore.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2016 15:08

If they are almost 14 and want to go, tell him to fuck off.

He sounds like a Prince BTW.

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Primaryteach87 · 09/05/2016 15:12

Yep! Let them go! Sounds like they will get loads from this trip. Also at that age when they are questioning identity etc it would be invaluable to explore their Italien heritage. Given he seems a bit unreliable it seems their relationship with paternal family is even more important.

Also well done you for keeping the relationship going with GP. Says a lot about you (in a good way!).

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crazywriter · 09/05/2016 15:12

Sod him. This will be an amazing opportunity for your girls. Glad to see you have a good relationship with his parents to discuss all this and work together where your girls are concerned and that GPs are happy to pay fines if they come up. Also glad to see the school understands why they want to go and not push you into not letting them.

Your ex can't pick and choose when he gets a say. He either has PR or doesn't. Since he doesn't he can't stop you authorising it. If everyone else is on board, let them go.

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wulfy1010 · 09/05/2016 15:39

If he doesn't have parental responsibility then it is up to you but make sure to give the gps a letter of authority.
www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

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