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Should I just swallow my pride?

(167 Posts)
Kungfupandaworksout16 Mon 09-May-16 12:30:03

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. Me and the OH want a small wedding but a large party. The wedding is 10 people so we have 5 guests each. I have 3 siblings and my Mum and Dad as guests and He has got his mum and dad and his 3 siblings.
My sister is currently with someone and has a new born baby with the new guy and 2 older children. I told my sister the wedding she is invited to but the party her children and partner and his family are welcome to the party. She was absolutely fine with this. Until last week - she rang to say unless her , partner and 3 children can attend she won't be coming but she will attend the party. I told her if she doesn't attend the wedding she is not welcome at the party.
She text today asking could my OH not drop his siblings for her children and partner (baby wouldn't need a seat so doesn't count as a person) I told her absolutely not her partner was shouting in the back ground I'll give her money for a bigger room I want to be there. So I ended the phone call. He sent me a text to say how I was pathetic ive hurt my sister and to not include my nieces in the wedding im a vile person for doing that.
This obviously has called a massive family argument. But I'm torn on what to do shall I stick to my guns? ( I originally said my nieces and her partner can be in the wedding photos after the ceremony outside so they don't feel totally excluded) or shall I cave in and get a bigger room because I obviously can't oust my OH 3 siblings.

Gazelda Mon 09-May-16 12:33:13

I'd stick to you guns over the ceremony, you've been clear from the start.

But I don't understand why you told your sis that she's not welcome at the party if she doesn't come up the ceremony? It doesn't make sense to me and maybe that's the catalyst to the Agro.

WhataMistakeaToMakea Mon 09-May-16 12:34:02

How close are you to your sisters children? It's your wedding and you can do what you want, but I would he really upset if my sister didn't invite my children to her wedding and wouldn't go (although I am a single mum so childcare would be difficult and they adore her and would be upset )

FuzzyOwl Mon 09-May-16 12:34:02

If you say yes to him coming though, what about all of the other people who weren't invited that would have been higher up your list if you had been having a larger do? Wouldn't some of them feel out out?

To be honest, he sounds awful and exactly the kind of person I wouldn't want at any occasion. Let alone my wedding!

ProcrastinatorGeneral Mon 09-May-16 12:35:40

Your sister and her partner sound like utter wankers.

Stick to your guns. If you cave for one dick, the rest will turn into dicks too.

whois Mon 09-May-16 12:38:13

Stick to your guns about the cermony but I don't understand why you said she can;t come to the party if she doesn't come to the wedding?

Is she usually an arse or is it only since getting with this guy?

Dellarobia Mon 09-May-16 12:38:16

I agree with Gazelda, tell your sis it's up to her whether or not to come to the wedding (without her partner) but she's still welcome at the party either way.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Mon 09-May-16 12:39:53

Gazelda that was my way of lashing out. I was in shock she won't come to my wedding all because her new partner has seen his arse over not having an invite because that is what it boils down too.

whata I was close to her once upon a time but her new fella is a full on twat and changed that. We wanted a small wedding so we could have a bigger party and make that child friendly etc. I didn't want my sisters children there aswell because as much as I love my nieces my sister can not control them they run rings around my sister. The child care isn't an issue as I offered to pay my childminder to look after my sisters children if she wished (her partner won't look after the eldest two only his own)

RiverTam Mon 09-May-16 12:40:54

I'd be very worried about your sisters partner, tbh, he sounds aggressive and controlling.

RaeSkywalker Mon 09-May-16 12:41:22

Stick to your guns. It's your day, not hers.

CombineBananaFister Mon 09-May-16 12:41:24

Do your OHs siblings not have kids so not an issue for him or would they be annoyed too? tbh I am all for having weddings how you want them/ no children rule/small immediate family only but if you are close to your sister it is harsh not to have your nieces. I would be hurt but sounds like everyone is being a bit stubborn now due to hurt feelings.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Mon 09-May-16 12:42:41

river we all know that , that's what breaks are hearts. She's blinded by it she sees his controlling ways as caring for her. My family all know it's him behind her pulling out of the wedding sad

LagunaBubbles Mon 09-May-16 12:42:57

He sounds awful and no dont give in and have him there if you dont want him, you will get loads replies its your wedding you can have whoever they want there, which is true, but Im wondering why you didnt invite your nieces/nephews? Your saying bigger room, is it a registrar office because the ones Ive been rooms usually fit more than 10 guests?

LagunaBubbles Mon 09-May-16 12:44:59

her partner won't look after the eldest two only his own

I think your sister has bigger problems than her DP not getting invited to your wedding.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Mon 09-May-16 12:45:08

combine we get married during the week so her eldest two would be in school as the wedding starts and they'd finish school as we are half way through the ceremony that's why my childminder was prepared to be on stand by to pick them up meet my sister and bring them for the photos.

CombineBananaFister Mon 09-May-16 12:46:15

aah just seen he's a twat and your nieces are disruptive - do what you want then tough poo to them

Crisscrosscranky Mon 09-May-16 12:47:36

Hmm, I wonder what the responses were if OP had posted that she'd been invited to a wedding but DP and kids (nieces and nephews) weren't invited. He's not exactly a new DP if they have a child together. I wouldn't have not invited them in the first instance.

Catinthecorner Mon 09-May-16 12:52:31

Doesn't he sound charming?

Ring, apologise, tell her you want her their, childminder will sort the kids and her fella and kids can party with you all after OR she can just met you at the party with them all if she prefers.

I wouldn't rearranged my wedding for him, but I'd want her to know I support her.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Mon 09-May-16 12:55:26

Laguna its a not a registry it's an alternative venue that you can legally get married in that's all I can say with out outing myself.

My OH siblings do have children and partners but they're not fussed about the setup their wives are grateful they get time to run and around and get themselves ready and the kids etc

samG76 Mon 09-May-16 12:56:46

I'm with Crisscrosscranky, although in fairness I didn't permit partners at my wedding unless engaged. (One of them did propose and got an invite 2 days later!). Might have been different if they'd had a child, though.

Kungfupandaworksout16 Mon 09-May-16 12:57:36

criss I think you're missing the point my sister originally OK'd this plan as did everyone else with partners and children and all was ok with it. They've been together 11 months I've had the displeasure of meeting him twice.

FlyingElbows Mon 09-May-16 12:57:54

I'm with you on having the actual wedding the way you want. It's your sister's choice to attend. Telling her she's not invited to the party if she chooses not to attend the ceremony is a bit mean though. Stand your ground but don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Isetan Mon 09-May-16 13:00:33

You were incredibly petty and they are being twats, no one comes out of this covered in glory. If your sister's attendance is really important to you, then reinstate the reception invitation, making excuses and blaming others doesn't mitigate your contribution to this drama.

LupoLounger Mon 09-May-16 13:03:05

Interesting. I think you may have behaved unreasonably in saying she'd be unwelcome at the party, but we've all said things in heated situation or when our pride is a bit bruised. You really have my sympathies.

If it's any help, we had a ban on kids at our ceremony, with an exclusion for my 3 cousins (a lot younger than me) and only because my Aunt has a super-tight leash on them when it comes to things like this. If we made it open to 'all comers' we'd have had to accept a lot of screaming and shouting at our ceremony and we both agreed that's not how we wanted to remember the day.

A few people thought I was an arsehole for taking the stance, but then our ceremony was a bit bigger, so the 'kiddy ban' was more noticeable.

It was an agreed stance with DW, but it was easier for her friends to project their ire onto me and I can live with that if it makes DW friendships a bit easier...

I hope you sort it out with your sister. Life's too short for blood feuds sad

Gazelda Mon 09-May-16 13:04:11

OP, I feel sorry for you that this has all happened so soon before your wedding. I can sense your dislike of her DP. And it seems completely justifiable.

But by excluding her (and her family) from the evening party, you are essentially saying to her 'its him or me'. I'm sure you want to be a supportive sister, knowing what a twat she has hooked up with. And I know you can't make choices for her or solve her problems. But you are leaving her excluded from an important family celebration. She has a newborn (can't be more than 6 weeks old?), in a controlling relationship. Maybe try to be supportive and conciliatory rather than stubborn?

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