To wonder what on earth the secret is to be liked?(44 Posts)
No one ever seems to like me!
I have old friends, but new people just never like me at first. No one ever seems to take to me, let alone want to be friends with me. For example if a friend is ever talking to someone that I've not met before, the person I've never met is never keen on me and not keen on me to join the conversation, whilst when it's the reverse and I introduce a friend to a friend they take to each other straight away.
We went out on Saturday night with DH's friends and their wives. Neither of the wives seem to like me anyway, and on Saturday there was another couple there whom I hadn't met before. That wife instantly seemed to take a dislike to me too! Everyone just has a cool disinterest in me unless I know them and they're a friend.
Yesterday we went to get garden furniture and the woman serving DH and I totally blanked me, and talked directly to DH. Even when I spoke she just ignored me and didn't even acknowledge me. If I try to make small talk in a shop whilst being served I just get a polite smile and nod from the assistant.
What am I doing wrong?
To add, a friend of mine only has to meet someone for thirty seconds and immediately they are clamouring to be her friend, to invite her to things and remembering every detail of her life (she talks about herself constantly).
Some people don't give a good first impression. One of my closest friends, I hated her when I first met her. She has what we call "resting bitch face"
She's also very direct and to the point. It took a few months but I eventually warmed to her and now we're really good friends.
Didn't you post about the friends wives at the meal already?
I think some people are more approachable than others when first meeting. I know I am not, I have been told many times. I think I am a good nice pleasant person, but apparently I give off this aura which some people do not like. I am, in fact, very shy so I think its more shyness that anything else.
Once I am more comfortable around new people, I come out of my shell a bit more... someone not talking back to me in a shop wouldn't bother me at all though. The wives of the friends (if you are the same poster) sound like a bunch of teenage girls, that would bother me too.
I am now older (and hopefully wiser) so I have an attitude now, that if someone likes me, fine...if not, so be it.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong, just be yourself, why change how you are to fit in with everyone else?
Nope, I've not posted about it before.
I probably do give off some aura or another. Not too sure I have resting bitch face though, probably resting smiley weirdo face
Haha! I have mega bitch face but I'm 5ft and look like a Japanese school girl so it intimidates nobody 😁
I have the same experiences OP. Just yesterday I was with DH, at something I'm interested in and he was there along with me iyswim. I started a conversation with the person there (commenting/complimenting her), she answered me, then expanded on her answer addressing DH, looking into his face rather than mine. It sounds petty, but it happens a lot. People I've worked with have invited me out socially (when it was a case of inviting everyone from the small office), then decided I was worthy of joining their circle by association with DH.
As Murphy says, I've started to realise I must give off an unapproachable aura, being introverted and shy, but it's still quite hurtful and feels kind of hopeless sometimes. I can see how misanthropes develop!
I find that people who think others instantly dislike them can be quite negative, difficult people (sorry). Thing is, noone is thinking that much about you, a total stranger, to know whether they like or dislike you. You might be giving off a vibe of "go on then, you don't like me either, do you?"
Being smiley helps! I had a look in the mirror to check what my face looked like when I thought I was casually smiling at passerbys - I was not smiling! Now I make sure when I meet people I smile and nod and listen and it helps loads! Also not trying to hard, let people do the talking. I find people think it's off putting if you're in their face trying to get them to like you.
I have this.
I try to smile more, probably comes out as an inane grin
I found the secret, for me, was to not care.
I used to feel like you. No one likes me. I tried my best to be happy, smiley and friendly. I think it came across as desperate and some people just didn't trust someone could be as happy as I am.
I am fairly happy and not much bothers me or puts me in a foul mood. I just keep going and look for positives even when the shit is hitting the fan.
But as soon as I decided I didn't actually care wether people liked me or not, it's become much easier to get friendly with people. I was so fed up with worrying about what people thought of me, I just quit caring. I am who I am. I try to be nice and tactful but not afraid to speak my mind when I need to. If people don't like me, there isn't much I can do about it.
Glad I read this thread (especially yorkie's advice). I am a bit like you OP and can be really awkward socially and quite anxious at social occasions. I have an event coming up and I think the smiling and listening advice is exactly what I need. I tend to try way too hard to be funny and impressive around new people. Probably is really off putting!
I'm the complete opposite to you, wherever I go people want to speak to me and it is annoying.
I don't think you're doing anything wrong, maybe it is just the people you're trying to talk to.
I'm the same and have to push through to overcome this. Although in work it's much better, it's like there is a judgement socially but I guess people have to be nice at work. Although even in work I've had people just not interested in me. I'm quite shy naturally and often told I look young so perhaps they think we won't have anything in common. I'm also wary of people due to past bullying and it must come out unconsciously. A counsellor told me that people respond to unconscious vibes, so if you are wary, worried about something etc they may react to that.
Are you quite quiet? Maybe it's that it takes time for people to form an impression of you?
Yes, I'm fine at work too for some reason. I think it's a fear of being judged for me too.
I also think this about myself. People have told me I am a but unapproachable and I think I might be too keen to talk so perhaps come across as too eager. I am not good at the friend vibe really. I don't read things well.
I too have found others get really good friends and I am excluded or current friends don't seem to want to introduce me to their other friends whereas I know loads of people who have a big group of friends by being introduced to the group by one person.
It's always me who makes the effort with new people or initiates a meet up.
I be spent many years analysing why. People just do not seem to take to me or are that bothered by me.
I found that when I did make good friends it was when I wasn't even thinking about it and was just chatting without worrying if the person liked me or not or if it would turn into a friendship. When I observe people who have lots of friends they are very smiley, positive people who help others out a lot and are caring. I am trying to do both of these things. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. I find people seem to already have their friends and don't need new ones.
The unconscious vibes thing seems obvious now you mention it - if only we could know what the unconscious vibes were, we might be able to do something about them! I know I was bullied/excluded as a child - even as young as three I can remember shrinking back from the door and not wanting to go out to play as I was being name-called for an aspect of my appearance (since corrected). Then aged 11 I overheard someone in school telling people I had horrible teeth (I did) so I supressed my smiles after that. I'm sure that now whenever I meet someone I'm hoping they won't notice or judge me, although they're not as bad as they were.
are you very attractive? sometimes i dont like very attractive people cos i very unfairly think they have a high opinion of themselves!! this isnt a conscious thought by the way!
I was also called a 'snob' at school and labelled as stuck up because I was bright and did my homework (!), so I think at times in the past I've over-compensated for that, being in the habit of trying to 'prove them wrong', when actually, who cares what a load pf unpleasant
thick teenage queen bees think?
I agree with AndTakeYourPenguinWi
Some people who automatically assume no-one likes them, can come across as almost willing people not to, so their whole demeanour can seem quite cold and unfriendly.
Obviously no-one here knows if that's the case, but it might be the answer.
Ugh, they sound rude and horrible. Have you considered that, rather than being a rejection, perhaps they are just like this with everyone and not the right people for you?
I think sometimes sensitive people value slightly different things in friends. A lot of more extroverted people I know go out a lot and have what they call 'close' friends, but they aren't really emotionally engaged with them IYSWIM. They sort of expect everyone to be interested in their own lives and emotions, without ever showing the slightest bit of sensitivity to those of others, in a very egocentric way! They spend a lot of time on one-upmanship, self-praise and competitiveness.
Most of my really good friends are VERY different from this. My best friend is super clever but really, really modest, self-deprecating, self-analytical, funny and genuinely caring. I find that people like that are very few and far between. There just aren't that many super people out there. When you find them, it's like a major life event.
Oh, and to add - I've noticed that being very successful, particularly in the public sphere, is a tremendously great help to being both heard and liked. Whether the quality of the attention has anything really to do with the person who inspires it, however, is another matter.
Are you pretty? My best friend is tall, blonde and looks like a model. She says unless she bends over backwards, most women dislike her at first. I've seen it happen. They bond with me (average looking) and cold shoulder her. When I've introduced her to other friends some have said to me in private they found her arrogant! She is not arrogant at all, she just evokes jealousy/envy or women see her as a threat. It's very sad. She doesn't wear much make-up but she does dress nicely and shows off her figure (why shouldn't she?)
Woody, I never thought of it like that.
Now I think about it, I had a similar discussion with someone not that long ago about this very topic. He described me as quietly confident.
I don't want to go about saying I am drop dead gorgeous or anything like that, but I think I am more along the lines of the ugly duckling, I think I have aged quite well, a bit like wine .
Yummy I relate to everything that you posted.
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