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AIBU and overprotective of my kids

(12 Posts)
Sunandsea2016 Mon 09-May-16 09:20:45

I am really confused and do not know how to go about this and would appreciate any advice. I recently got back with my cousin sis after years of family fued between dad and his sister. We grew up together and were inseparable untill we were 13 (similar age). We immediately bonded and absolutely gelled together only as childhood friends do. She is in the States and we made plans to go over and stay for summer hols with DH and DCs. Another cousin who had been close to both sides throughout the family fued v v strongly advised me not to stay over especially with DCs (age 11 and 8), saying my cousin's husband (I have never met him) is an alcoholic, living in with someone nearby, the house environement v unhealthy for kids. This third coz said our coz knew and accepted all this (they trid for kids unsuccessfully, he loves kids, she feels guilty as she has medical issues and she still loves him). Me and DH decided to cancel the trip, as I trust my mutual coz, and I have heard from other sources too. I was v upset and worried for my coz as she has gone through a lot in life, so called her up and had an honest discussion about what our mutual coz said, I am there for her, she can come over etc. She is livid (I can understand) and says that it is all lies and her DH is perfect and there is nothing of the sort. She is angry as I did not trust her and cancelled the hol. DH and myself are normally v protective of the DCs and have no regrets of being safe than sorry. She refuses to talk to me and I don't know what to do. It was really nice to get back together and I miss her. And she has gone thru lots of challenges in life. If I keep apologising we will get back (but is it healthy given her home situ) or should I accept that I need to move on. Thanks for getting to the end of the thread.

Artistic Mon 09-May-16 09:24:27

Given the history, perhaps you should've gone over and planned to spend not more than a couple of days at her place and continued your visit to another city perhaps? Why believe what you haven't seen yourself? I say this only because this seems to have been a hard to get back relationship which you clearly are happy to have regained. I'd say try a bit harder to believe/accept her. If you don't like what you see you can leave her house sooner than planned?

MatildaTheCat Mon 09-May-16 09:26:47

I would not have considered going to spend a holiday with someone I hadn't seen since I was 13, presumably a lapse of about 20years? Have you really heard nothing form her or her family in that time?

Third cousin sounds as if she's being helpful. First cousin is upset but no, YANBU to change your plans. Why not visit the area and meet up? Staying in someone's else's house is very risky even without all the additional stuff here.

LagunaBubbles Mon 09-May-16 09:27:54

Why didnt you actually talk to her before you cancelled the holiday? confused

Crispbutty Mon 09-May-16 09:43:56

whatever you do it's not going to be easy to go and stay with her now after this. What I would do is book a trip that includes a visit near to her, stay at a motel ( very cheap in us compared to uk) , and plan to meet up with her.

Sunandsea2016 Mon 09-May-16 09:48:48

It was very hard worked to get back Artistic but few mutual ppl I mentioned trip to had similar vibes. We were really close and when we got back it was like old times. She also loves kids and insisted that we stay with them. On hindsight MatildatheCat we should have stayed out, it just felt so good to talk again (did not think thru initial enthusiasm). I am 40 so yes long time.

Sunandsea2016 Mon 09-May-16 09:55:35

Lagunabubbles I was so upset had a chat with DH who said no way we are going (he has experienced the effects of alochol abuse so very sensitive) just when we had to pay for the flight tickets. Even if I had talked and cancelled I think would have had the same result.

willitbe Mon 09-May-16 09:57:32

How do you know it is not all rumours and lies about her husband? The word of a couple of cousins, have they actually been over and visited her themselves in the last few years? Did they see it for themselves, or is it just what they were told be another reliable source?

Was there no way you could have altered your trip to be a shorter time and stayed in a hotel nearby and seen for yourself?

If this is by any chance not true about her husband, you are perpetuating the lie, as now others will know you cancelled your trip because of the "alcoholic husband".

If it is true and she is in a relationship with an alcoholic husband, she is clearly still in denial, and perhaps you could have helped her see that?

Would it have been possible to go over and check out the situation (you would be with your children all the time anyway), and if it did turn out to be true that you made other accommodation arrangements there?

I think I would have been tempted to ask to skype, and while doing so, ask if she can show pictures of her home, "so we can show the children"...... I am sure you would have got an instant impression of if it was an unhealthy environment or not from that. And how about meeting her husband on skype.... you could have formed your own first impression?

I think that you are putting a huge amount of trust in this other mutual cousin as being a very reliable source of information.

lljkk Mon 09-May-16 09:59:51

You should have asked your cousin directly not made decisions from rumour. Might have made same decision but at least you would have tried to give her benefit of doubt. Sorry for the difficulties.

HappyNevertheless Mon 09-May-16 10:18:40

I would have talked to her TBH and arrange to book some accommodation near by.
I think it's a hard one because there has been a huge fuel in the family and nothing is telling you who/what is the truth anymore. In those circumstances, it's very hard to keep a neutral stance and she might well have been caught in it.
She might also well have an alcoholic husband.

I'm to sure I understand the bit about her husband loving with someone (else?) nearby TBH.

However, yoou could well have planned a trip to the US some of which was to go and see her rather than just going there for her iyswim.
IF said husband is really an alcoholic and the environment was that bad, you could have done other things rather than saying 'our hols are ruined now, let's go back home ASAP etc...'

I have some cousins I hardly see too but each time I see them it's like we've never been apart. So I can see very well what you are talking about.
However, I wouldn't have planned a whole holiday around the cousins. They would have been part of it iyswim

WorraLiberty Mon 09-May-16 10:20:31

Blimey that's a massive snub you've given her there without even picking up the phone, to speak to her.

Surely you could have just booked accommodation nearby and given her an excuse?

I wouldn't blame her if she was absolutely livid and decided to give the reunion a miss completely.

Isetan Mon 09-May-16 11:48:07

Of course shes angry, you've compounded your lack of judgement of agreeing to stay with someone you haven't had contact with in decades, by cancelling a trip without warning and based on third hand talk. Whatever the truth of her circumstances, you've treated her with very little respect, I'm not sure what friendship can be salvaged from such a poor foundation.

She doesn't owe you foregiveness.

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