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AIBU to feel like I'm mothering him???

(10 Posts)
outtostartafire Sun 08-May-16 21:42:24

Hi! First time poster here. Basically, I'm reaching the end of my tether with my DP and need some advice and/or maybe someone to tell me I'm BU for being so frustrated.

My DP and I have been living with his parents for 3 years. Its not too bad - we have our own section of the house so we have privacy but I'm desperate to have our own house. The point of this was to save money for our own place but about 2 years ago he quit his job (it was a horrible job and made him miserable) and started his own business on a whim. He had no savings prior to this (and has never worked full time so doesn't have a lot of life experience).

I work very hard but I'm getting nowhere financially. He contributes nothing. His business has been very slow starting (almost non-existant) and lives off money from his parents who he says he'll pay back. He does work hard when he has a project but they are few and far between. He doesn't even help me out by cleaning whilst I'm working.

I guess the reason I'm so annoyed is because before he quit his job we talked a lot about having kids the second we got our house. I am desperate to be a mother. I feel like we have taken 4000 steps back and I'm basically mothering him by cleaning on my days off and paying for all of our expenses. I also feel like the least supportive partner ever because he has recently started taking anti-anxiety meds and of course starting a business is bound to be difficult.

I have told him all of this lots before and he promises to find a part-time job and do more around the house but I've yet to see much proof other than the occasional load of washing being done (but only when I've totally run out of clothes).

AIBU to be so frustrated by this?! I don't want to leave him or anything drastic but feel like I'm stuck waiting for our life to start. Thanks in advance!

Buggers Sun 08-May-16 21:45:40

YANBU I can't believe he doesn't even tidy up while your working! Can I ask what his business is?

outtostartafire Sun 08-May-16 21:47:43

He works in photography and videography - so very competitive!

oldestmumaintheworld Sun 08-May-16 21:48:11

You are not unreasonable at all. He is not a man, he is a baby. A big, lazy, useless baby. Which is fine if that's what you want. but I'm not sure why you would.

I know you say you don't want to leave, but wouldn't a real baby be better. If you want your life to start, find someone else and have a real family. Don't be tethered any more to this lump of nothing.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Sun 08-May-16 21:52:50

Can you have a conversation like 'where do you see us in 5 years time?' Check his view is still the same as yours. In all honesty, is his business likely to actually become successful? If he no longer wants to have kids and it sounds like a deal breaker with you, wouldn't you be better off finding a partner with whom you can start a family rather than wasting time here? And what will he be like if you do actually have kids? You need someone that'll help! What do his parents say about it all? Are they happy to still have you both there for such a long time?

outtostartafire Sun 08-May-16 22:03:12

His parents are wonderful and supportive - almost too supportive, especially his mum. They definitely don't mind us being here - I'm the one going stir crazy! You're all giving me the answer that I dreaded to hear though I know my options are limited. Currently sitting in the bath with wine - I think 27 more glasses might be needed. Just dont know how to get through to him. sad

rookiemere Sun 08-May-16 22:07:11

Is he a professionally trained photographer ?The market is insanely competitive and he needs to demonstrate that he can bring some actual income in if he wants to be a grown up you know by getting an actual job, even if that is minimum wage. Perfectly possible to do this and build up a business at the same time, if indeed he is serious about it.

Sorry but I'm with the others, I can't see this situation getting better and at least you won't have to worry about where he lives if you split up.

Akire Sun 08-May-16 22:13:34

Sorry but the "he's never had a full time job" scares me. How old is he? Are there any proper reasons why not? Or is he looking for the job make him happy and earn lots of money at same time stop looking now

Are you paying market rent to his parents? Don't understand if you are working full time live at his parents why he is still borrowing money off them?

Agree a job any job even part time shows willing and fully workable around his hobby/job. 2y is long enough to have given it a go he needs try something else.

To be honest if he can't tidy up while you out working and he isn't doing anything else all day not really sounding great partnership. If you do have kids will he expect you work pay for nursery and carry on doing everything at home when you are back??

oldestmumaintheworld Sun 08-May-16 23:05:41

You ask how to get through to him.

Ask him this one question? Can I see your business plan please?

If he has one then look at it and see if he is meeting his performance targets. If you're not sure what this is, it's how much business he is supposed to bring in and by when. This is usually shown as how much money he should earn each month.

If he doesn't have one (and I'd bet money he doesn't) then he is not serious about his business. if he isn't serious about his business then he isn't serious about you and making a life together. And that is very sad.

But you have time to make a better life for yourself without him.

DoreenLethal Mon 09-May-16 04:59:37

You are not mothering him, you are just in a relationship with a lazy layabout.

you and mummy pull up the slack, so he doesnt have to..

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