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AIBU?

to think she has a right a right to be told?

45 replies

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 15:51

Discussion with friends about a mutual friend last night who told us last week that he's had a one night stand. He is married with children. He told us in confidence and we won't say anything, but we couldn't agree what the right thing is in principle. Does the wife have a right to know, or does he have a right to keep it secret as he says it was a mistake he won't repeat?

OP posts:

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OurBlanche · 08/05/2016 16:00

Do you believe him?

Are you friends with his wife?

If the tables were turned would you want to be told?

Will he still be a friend after this?

I told a friend. It took a while to get up the nerve and a year or two for her to forgive me. But we are better friends now, her life is better, her now DH is a much better man, dad to her kids etc.

OptimisticSix · 08/05/2016 16:02

Not neccessaily the right thing, but the kind thing is to keep quiet. If he still loves his wife and it was genuinely a once off mistake it's not fair to ruin things for his wife by telling her. He shouldn't have told anyone though!!!. He did the wrong thing, let him live with it... I wouldn't want to know if it was my DH, a once off and it never happened again... that said if I did anything like that myself I don't think I'd be able to not confess

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 08/05/2016 16:04

I'd like to be told so I'd tell.

quietbatperson · 08/05/2016 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buggers · 08/05/2016 16:09

Did he use protection? If not 100% tell her. In fact I'd tell her anyway incase he didn't use anything and lies about it.

BillBrysonsBeard · 08/05/2016 16:09

I would want to know so I can make a decision myself, so I would tell her. Maybe he's having crippling suspiscions but driving herself mad because she doesn't have proof... Maybe she's been looking for an excuse to leave.. Maybe she's totally happy but she's living a lie.

BillBrysonsBeard · 08/05/2016 16:10

*she's

Sirzy · 08/05/2016 16:10

Hmm it is a tough one. I know a friend who has a one night stand, only me and one other knew about it. We agreed at that point we wouldn't say anything as long as it was a one off. 10 years later they are still happily married

Lighteningirll · 08/05/2016 16:13

How many other people has he told? Are you her friend, both or his? I would say to him that you are not comfortable with this knowledge and he has to tell her before someone else does.

Ifailed · 08/05/2016 16:14

What is a "one night stand"? He cheated on his wife. He is a liar. He is untrustworthy. Tell her, it's your duty to do, so she knows. Then, its up to her.

Buggers · 08/05/2016 16:14

Problem is it's very rarely a one time thing. Usually starts off with one night stand and over a while will turn in to something else with someone else. Let her know, he also has no respect to tell everyone while she has no idea. If it's a one time thing that won't happen again why tell several people?

DrawingLife · 08/05/2016 16:21

Ooh, I can sympathise, it's a real dilemma! I'm in a similar situation (if not as drastic). The male half of a couple we're friends with recently came on to me, basically suggesting we have an affair. I was so shocked all I said was I'd like to pretend the conversation never happened. But of course it's made the friendship very awkward, I feel disloyal for not telling his DP and my DH is understandably pissed off. So we've gone from meeting up casually almost every other weekend (friendship via DC) to hardly any contact in months. It's sad, I really like them both, especially felt the mum could have become a close friend. Oops, sorry for the derail. What I'm saying is, I've also decided to keep quiet, and am also struggling with the moral principle, so know where you're coming from.

nennyrainbow · 08/05/2016 16:34

If it were the other way round and a female friend confided that she had had a one night stand, would you even be asking this question? You don't say, but it doesn't sound as though you and the man's wife are particularly close friends. So, unless not telling puts her life in danger, then the morally correct thing to do in my opinion, is to keep quiet.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/05/2016 16:43

If I had a one night stand and didn't want my partner knowing, I wouldn't tell a bunch of mates about it. He's either completely thick or on some level wants his wife to find out.

ErNope · 08/05/2016 16:48

tell her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/05/2016 16:58

"He told us in confidence"
Or in other words, he co-opted you all to his dirty little secret, and made you accomplices after the fact. I've always thought this sort of 'confidence' is utter poison, because the person who unloads is not really asking you to keep a secret, they're asking you to be liars. But oh, they feel so much better to have 'confided' in you! Empowered even, because even after dong what he did, his friends re still his friends!

I don't believe he won't repeat his mistake. And yes his wife has the right to know. Her marriage is not what she thought it was, damned right she has a right to know.

Personally, I'd give him one week to tell her himself, or I would do it.

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 17:01

I don't believe he won't repeat his mistake. And yes his wife has the right to know. Her marriage is not what she thought it was, damned right she has a right to know.

that's exactly what I think...

OP posts:

TheFuckersBitingMe · 08/05/2016 17:03

Why has he told you and other mates if it's such a mistake? To brag? You don't brag about your mistakes, you quietly learn from them. So he's an asshat who cheated and felt proud enough to tell his mates and she deserves to know how little regard he has for her and his marriage.

IWILLgiveupsugar · 08/05/2016 17:06

If he wanted it to remain secret he shouldn't have told you. Boasting telling you about it was so disrespectful to his wife. She deserves the truth and he has been an utter prick in dumping this poison on you and making you collude in deveiving his wife. I would opt out of that and tell her, even if she held it against me.

quietbatperson · 08/05/2016 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2016 17:25

What did you and your husband say when you were told?

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 17:28

It was a group of uni friends, my dh wasn't there. We didn't say much tbh!

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Nairsmellsbad · 08/05/2016 17:28

Do you mean he has told you and the other friends? Why has he told you all?

DorothyL · 08/05/2016 17:38

We were having drinks and he said "have any of you been unfaithful to your partners?" And then he told us.

OP posts:

Nairsmellsbad · 08/05/2016 17:43

You must have got a sense of whether it was boasting or some kind of weird cathartic thing? Was it recent or a long time ago? If it was a while ago and he seemed regretful then I'm not sure that telling her would help. If he's going around boasting about it that's maybe a different matter. If he's a well-known actor then the Sun and the Daily Mail are already doing it for you.

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