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AIBU?

Is it me, or should this dinner lady be in a bit of trouble? Or am I just being over sensitive of DD?

176 replies

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 15:41

Using my sister's account (due to a technical reason) and I have already emailed HQ, so this is about my daughter, but her niece.

Anyway... DD is 10, year 5. She has been having some friendship problems. Her best friend has 2 other best friends. She fell out with her best friend as she wouldn't let my DD play this game with them. I said that making up would be the best as they have been friends for years. She went over to their lunch table, her best friend was sitting with her other 2 best friends; she asked if she could sit with them and they all said no and one girl was laughing at my DD (one of the best friends of her best friends) and my DD called her a bitch, I know that was completely unacceptable and I have told my DD about appropriate language now, she has had a punishment for that. However, the mother of the girl who she called a bitch, is a dinner lady/mid-day assistant. She came over and her DD told her that my DD had just called her a bitch, she giggles and said "don't worry girls, I think she's one" and all the girls laughed at my DD. I did ask for a meeting, as I don't think that was particularly fair of the dinner lady, I get my DD should have been told off for saying bitch, but I don't think the mother, who's a dinner lady should start implying my DD is too. They all admitted (even the dinner lady) that she had said everything my DD had claimed she had said. The head teacher looks at me and goes "there you go!" and that was it... No apology (my daughter had to apologise to the other girl) and nothing more was done... AIBU to think that isn't particularly fair? Or AIBU?

OP posts:

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acasualobserver · 08/05/2016 15:46

What "bit of trouble" should the dinner lady be in, in your opinion? What would make you happy?

newtscamander · 08/05/2016 15:47

Yes I think she should be in trouble for calling a 10 year old kid a bitch, certaintly.

newtscamander · 08/05/2016 15:48

Certainly*

BeaArthursUnderpants · 08/05/2016 15:48

I can't speak for OP but if it were me I would have appreciated at least some acknowledgment that adults who are employed by the school should not get involved with minor social disputes on their own children's be mhalves and certainly shouldn't stoop to calling children nasty names.

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 15:49

acasual - I think at least an apology, if I'm honest. Don't you?

OP posts:

mmgirish · 08/05/2016 15:50

I think you should focus on your child here and not the dinner lady.

Osolea · 08/05/2016 15:50

It's likely that the head has had words with the dinner lady, it's just that you won't hear about it.

CocktailQueen · 08/05/2016 15:50

A dinner lady who's the mother of a girl in Dd's class should not be calling another girl a bitch, no.

But your dd should not have called her friend a bitch. But her friend was being a bitch, I'm afraid.

Hope your dd is ok and the friendship issues are sorted out by tomorrow.

Lovepancakes · 08/05/2016 15:51

I think yanbu that the dinner lady should never have said this, it's appalling from an adult about a child imo even if she was upset for her DD. And the head should have dealt with it better too!

I think it's terrible that anyone in an 'official' position in a school could get away with such a nasty comment even if it's the one your dd used. Your DD needs to be taught by the adult's example not have her behaviour copied!

I hope they resolve their friendship and that it blows over and id be upset too

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 15:51

I completely agree about my DD not calling her a bitch, I have said that and she has been punished? Why shouldn't I be focusing on the dinner lady?

OP posts:

BetweenTwoLungs · 08/05/2016 15:52

Oh my god, I'm a teacher and normally always on these sorts of threads I side with the school, but that is so innapropriate and so unprofessional.

If I called a child a bitch I can't imagine the trouble I'd be in. Give the school a ring on Monday, and I don't say that lightly!

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2016 15:52

I think she was really out of order and should be disciplined for that. She's employed by the school, not there as her daughter's advocate. She should have asked why, for one thing, and tried to bring about a resolution to the behaviour. At that point she could have asked both girls to apologise to each other.

WhatamessIgotinto · 08/05/2016 15:53

Well it was completely wrong of your DD to do what she did bit you know that and are dealing with it. I think the dinner lady is way out of line here. I'm a TA in my DC's school and I am SO careful not to get involved in anything that they are - even the good stuff. I have to have my work hat on while I'm there and though sometimes it's hard, it's my job.

BetweenTwoLungs · 08/05/2016 15:54

mmgirish perfectly possible to repremand her own child (which OP has already done) whilst thinking dinner lady was totally inappropriate. It's not either/or.

KoalaDownUnder · 08/05/2016 15:54

What kind of mother/adult says that?!

YANBU. Of course your daughter shouldn't have called the other girl a bitch, but the dinner lady's response was beyond the pale. And she doesn't have the excuse of being 10!

foursillybeans · 08/05/2016 15:55

It doesn't sound like she meant your DD was a bitch. I think she was joking/defusing the situation by saying she thinks her own DD is a bitch. I think you and DD might have got the wrong end of the stick.

peacheshoney · 08/05/2016 15:56

she didn't really call her a bitch though did she? more 'what you say is what you are'
If your DD can dish it out, she needs to learn to take it!

GrimmauldPlace · 08/05/2016 15:57

Completely disagree with pp's who are saying you should be concentrating on your dd's language. Seriously? It's clearly stated in the OP that she has been punished and what she said was wrong. But a grown woman in a position of trust calling or implying a child is a bitch to their face in front of other children is disgusting. YANBU, an apology is the least I'd expect. If the other girls mum can't be impartial when at work then she shouldn't be working around her own child.

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2016 15:58

It should have been handled completely differently.

The Staff should be discouraging abusive language and explaining why it's inappropriate, not joining in.

Absolutely nothing has been achieved by the Dinnerlady's reaction.

I would have asked what the usual procedure was for such behaviour and has it been handled differently because a Staff members child was involved.

So your DD is left with the view that this Dinnerlady thinks she's a Bitch and the girls have got that to throw at her.

Let's face it, this probably won't now be the last incident and they'll have to backtrack.

acasualobserver · 08/05/2016 15:58

acasual - I think at least an apology

Then make an appointment with the Head and explain this is what you expect and why. It seems to me to be a reasonable request. However, if you are met with another refusal then express your disappointment and drop the whole matter - life's too short. I would also advise you to ignore the inevitable advice to complain to the governors and/or Ofsted.

MilliesCookies1 · 08/05/2016 15:58

I haven't gone the wrong end of the stick, she admitted it

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/05/2016 15:58

That's completely unacceptable. It is absolutely not ok to say or imply a child is a bitch.

Yeah your dd shouldn't have said it be she's a child and learning. This is a grown woman with a position of reponsibility in the school and it really doesn't matter what the relationships are or who said what first because as the adult you do not call a child a bitch. As a school employee you expect a bollocking and possibly disciplinary action against you because that's misconduct.

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YouTheCat · 08/05/2016 15:59

I sometimes do lunchtime supervision. It's a bloody nightmare.

If this dinner lady was any good, she'd have got a colleague to deal with the issue.

ilovesooty · 08/05/2016 15:59

An apology is what I would expect.
Totally inappropriate behaviour from an adult employee.

yippeekiyay2 · 08/05/2016 15:59

Actually op I'm with you on this one. I work in education and it is completely unacceptable to use language and/or imply what she has done, regardless of how it has happened - imagine if this had been a teacher/ ta! Yes your dd should be reprimanded for swearing but that doesn't excuse the adults behaviour and the head should take it seriously and inform u it has been dealt with, not necessarily how. Only way forward for you to pursue it I guess would be to put in writing your concerns about how the adult dealt with the situation and asking for direct answers to questions such as "is it acceptable for staff to..." And see what they say?

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