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Wibu to have a little word with dm

(6 Posts)
NeedACleverNN Sun 08-May-16 11:22:42

My grandad, dm dad, died last Sunday. My mum and nan have understandably taken it very hard. It is even harder for my nan because there was no savings and he's having to panic a bit about money. Which my mum is making worse.

She is pressuring my nan to sell her car to get something smaller. Yes it's a good idea but she keeps going on about it.

She is pressuring my nan to sell a lot of her stuff to raise a bit of money and clear the house at the same time.

My nan wants to sell my grandads mobility scooter. It initially cost £2000 but it hasn't been used for 2 years and it has been stored outside in all weathers. It has had a cover over it but certain parts have still got a bit of rust. I have listed it on FB for £250 to which I had a reply. Someone has offered £150 cash today which was more than reasonable. I rang nan and told her to think about it. My mum rung and told her under no circumstances is she to take less than £200.

Fwiw my nan shouldn't be too bad off. It's all a big learning curve for her. My grandad paid all the bills, did all the shopping and handled all the paperwork. Something my nan has got to get used to. However she is getting about £2000 a month income and after everything has been paid will have at least £600 leftover. My mum is causing my nan to fret saying that she needs to cut back all her spending fees etc etc etc.

My poor nan is feeling so stressed and shell shocked at the moment and despite saying she couldn't have coped this week without my mum, I honestly think my mum is not helping sometimes.

Wibu to have a little word with my mum? I would wouldn't I? What would I even say without hurting her feelings?

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sun 08-May-16 11:29:39

On the face of it, absolutely not unreasonable - I'm sorry for your loss flowers

It sounds as if your mum is quite highly strung and anxious and this is emerging probably through grief into being quite controlling.

If you feel you can approach this sensitively, then do. It's hard as I have to resist the temptation to do this with my brother, I find asking questions is best - things like 'what do you think would be best? What would the end result be? Is there an alternative?' rather than barking orders! Xx

NeedACleverNN Sun 08-May-16 11:44:52

Yeah I don't think my mum means to be controlling as such but most of her life has been worrying about money (usually in places she's got herself in to that position) and now she's got it in her head that she has to worry about my nan too.

They are as bad as each other really because it if was flipped and it was my dad who had died, my nan would be doing the same to her.

It's tricky. I'm not even entirely sure how to broach it. At the moment if I'm there, I'll try to turn it around and say it will all work out ok and that everything is not as bad as it seems. Which works initially but I can't be there everytime they are together which means all the little work I do, goes out the window.

The day he died my mum was even suggesting my nan moved out the house, which she had lived in for a good 60 years, to move into a bungalow for an easier life. It may have been a nice idea but it was a bit inappropriate at the time.

pillowaddict Sun 08-May-16 12:10:10

I think if she is highly strung and anxious (speaking as someone with vv similar family members!!) It won't go down well to take her aside. What about sitting with both and just being calm and reassuring about everything. If your mum is panicked then she needs reassurance as much as your nan - she's obviously worried about her mum and is not being constructive about projecting it. Speak to your nan 1.1 and let her know you're there to help and explain you feel your mum is being a bit over anxious and it will all be ok, not to worry about rushing into decisions. And speak to your mum in a similarly reassuring way maybe - if you do address it try saying gently that maybe she should talk to you if she has concerns rather than your nan so as not to add extra worry. I'm sorry for your loss flowers

pippistrelle Sun 08-May-16 12:18:21

So, has this really all been happening in the past week, or was your grandad living elsewhere?

If it really is just one week, well I understand that people do and say all sorts of odd things when grief and shock are so raw, but fretting about money and rushing to sell things sound like displacement activities. It would not be at all unreasonable of you to ask your mum gently to calm down and not rush into anything. Point out that she's grieving - you all are - and that you all need some time to start coming to terms with things.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

NeedACleverNN Sun 08-May-16 16:06:13

No all in the same week.

Thank for the sympathies X

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