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Mother's Day (US)

(17 Posts)
geekymommy Sun 08-May-16 01:44:36

Tomorrow is Mother's Day (here in the US, I understand you have yours on a different date in the UK). DH's advisor from grad school is in town, and DH wants to arrange to meet up with him. AIBU to let this bother me a bit?
I don't expect DH to do much for me- I'd be quite happy if he did the cooking, got me a small present & some chocolates, and watched the kids for a while so I could have some time for myself. I don't think that last one will happen if we meet up with his advisor.
OTOH, his advisor lives a long distance away, and doesn't come to our city very often. DH does go to the city where his advisor lives reasonably often for work, but his advisor doesn't get to see our DCs on those visits, since they and I usually don't go.
AIBU to not want to get together with him tomorrow?

FabFiveFreddie Sun 08-May-16 01:56:17

Why don't you, as a family, appoint another day as your Mother's Day? Then you can have it all.

DoesFlossfloss Sun 08-May-16 01:58:58

YABU. Your DH can cook and look after his children any weekend; why do you need a special day for that?

geekymommy Sun 08-May-16 02:14:59

Thing is, he doesn't. He's a workaholic. Every weekend day, I try to keep the kids out of his way so he can get some work done. Part of my frustration here is that I know that meeting with his advisor will turn into mostly them discussing his work. I was kinda looking forward to a day when I could come before his work...
If we schedule another day to do that, I know that, when the day comes, there will be some work that he absolutely has to get done, and it won't happen.

FuriousFate Sun 08-May-16 02:52:52

I also live in the US, hence still being awake right now!

I think this is a bigger issue than Mother's Day, to be honest. When do you get any down time? Or spend time together?

Birdsgottafly Sun 08-May-16 03:24:19

""YABU. Your DH can cook and look after his children any weekend; why do you need a special day for that?""

That's completely the wrong way round.

Why do the Partners (usually male), need a special day, to do that, to the extent that's it considered a treat?

OP, you'll get a mixed response, but the point is that you're not feeling appreciated.

I was married to a workaholic, who worked away from home. It does take extra effort to make each other feel special and connected. He may not feel like you do, but you obviously aren't happy with the situation and it needs discussing.

araiba Sun 08-May-16 03:53:30

you married your son?

mathanxiety Sun 08-May-16 04:22:35

You could probably let this go on this occasion.

However, next weekend don't bother keeping the kids out of the way. Don't warn him in advance. Tell him at 10 o'clock Saturday morning as you sail out the door that you are going to be awol for the rest of the day and the kids are all his.

Don't get back until about 6.

Take one day off for yourself every weekend. Don't ask or negotiate or plan it with your H.

When he starts complaining tell him he needs to go see a counsellor for his anxiety issues. Repeat ad nauseum.

araiba Sun 08-May-16 04:31:20

do people really behave like math advises?

seems a money back guaranteed quick way to divorce

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 08-May-16 04:36:30

Clearly he is doing exactly that araiba so why can't she? Or is it only men that don't have to ask permission?

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 08-May-16 04:37:26

And I'm in Canada so it's Mothers Day here too!

araiba Sun 08-May-16 04:47:03

but from reading the op, he has asked her permission...

tinyshinyanddon Sun 08-May-16 05:10:50

Agree it sounds like a problem every day, not just Mother's Day. FWIW DH is at work all day tomorrow and coming home in time to let me out to work the evening. We will sit down to watch Game of Thrones together at 10pm. I will do something with the kids (3, 5, and 8) on my own. But my DH pulls his weight despite having a very hectic work life (i.e. could be a workaholic but he knows he has other responsibilities).

mathanxiety Sun 08-May-16 05:18:03

Araiba, he is likely to change any pre arranged plans they have, without consultation. I am guessing the OP has learned this from experience.

He is taking his wife for granted and the children are being taught a most unhealthy lesson about tiptoeing around dad. They are also being told where they all stand in relation to dad's work and being asked to pander to his neurosis. None of that is good.

It's also really bad for the OP not to get a little headspace for herself once a week. That is a sure way to wind up in divorce court too. Women can get just as unhappy and can want divorce every bit as much as men can.

geekymommy Sun 08-May-16 05:27:22

I've only got so much energy to fight, though. DS is 9 months, still nursing, and not sleeping through the night. That means I can't leave them with DH all day, of course.
I do get some time for myself after the kids go to bed, though I have to stick close in case they need me. I'm a computer gamer, and I stayed in to play most nights before the kids were born, so that's not a problem.
He works from home a lot, which is good and bad. His working all the time kind of makes me nostalgic for the days when people didn't work from home. It also means I'm trying to keep DCs quiet so as not to bother Daddy. OTOH, he is there if I really need him.

mathanxiety Sun 08-May-16 05:58:03

How about tackling the working from home angle? I don't think it's good for children to have to keep out of someone's way in their own home. I think it's actually really bad for them.

It is very undisciplined and bespeaks a considerable amount of anxiety when someone works all the time. I would urge him to go to a MH professional and talk abut his inability to work to a schedule.

You might be able to take a few hours for yourself from just before DS has his lunch until the end of his afternoon nap as long as DS will go down for a nap without breastfeeding. If he will take a bottle of formula or expressed breastmilk or if DH is able to soothe him to sleep then you might be able to slip away.

It's not really the amount of time or what you do with yourself that wold matter here. It's sending DH the message that he needs to pay attention to home and that you are a human with your own needs.

DoesFlossfloss Sun 08-May-16 06:59:50

Why do the Partners (usually male), need a special day, to do that, to the extent that's it considered a treat?

Birds - that's what I was saying.

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