I think I have stopped loving my son (who is 11)...(189 Posts)
I feel like many of you will hate me for this...
DS is 11... He is in Secondary School...
He is an absolute pain in the arse. I get 5 phone calls a day from school (each lesson) telling me all the things he has done - swearing, being rude, insulting teachers, insulting pupils, throwing things. It's really beginning to get to me. I tell him off/I take his gadgets away/I have tried the softer approach/the stricter approach; nothing works.
I go in for a meeting once a week. For them to just tell me how awful my son is to teach and how awful he is to be around. I feel like a total shot mother. I'm trying, but he doesn't listen. He doesn't care. He hits people/starts fights... He has been excluded 8 times in Yr 7, already. They have told me numerous times that he is close to going to a unit. He couldn't give two shits. He isn't nice to me, he hits me, says I'm a shit mum and sometimes wishes me dead. He pushes over his baby sister, calls her names, etc. She's only 2. It's getting ridiculous... I have taken him to the GP, they said he is just a bit lively and I need to take him out more - how can I do that? When school have told me to punish him. Then school nurse referred to CAMHS, he was assessed for ADHD, and a few other things. He is fine. He started therapy (CBT) but was so rude to her, she refused to see him.
I'm at my wits end, he's literally a horrible little boy. I'm sorry but he is making everyone's lives horrible. Children are refusing to come into school because they are scared of him hurting them, etc.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Bailey don't be so hard on yourself you sound at the end of your tether.
Him goin to a unit might actually work out great, he'll get more 1-1attention and they have better facilities to deal with kids like him, I've known a few people that didn't get on well in secondary school and went to units for behaviour problems and really liked it and did very well, I would speak about it with school and see if they think it would be a good move, also unit's work on a different schedule to mainstream and usually involve a lot more physical activities, this is just goin on what I have heard, I went to a unit for kids with medical problems (I was pregnant) and that was great for me! But I would say it's worth a looking into as an option to deal with him.
I'm sure you do love him, just very tested with his behaviour, don't give up on him yet!
All the best
you sound like you are doing what you can in a terrible situation. I don't really have any advice but you have my sympathy.
As a teacher (who has come across children who sound like yours) I would always try and focus on any positive to try and remember a child isn't all bad. Can he maybe be kind? Thoughtful? Helpful? Empathic? Loving? Remembering the good parts might help you handle the worst. Probably not very helpful sorry
I hope things get better for you
This makes me so sad for you
He reads as such an angry little boy - which is sad too.
I just can't cope with him. He hates me... I am beginning to hate him. I cannot do anymore for him... I have tried to help him, but he nasty. There isn't one person in the world that likes him, it's sad. His teachers dread the lessons they have with him, teachers have cried because of his comments. He is 11, ffs. I don't know what I'm doing different to all you good mums out there?
He's that boy that all the mums dread to see.
Has he been assessed for a conduct disorder? Not having ADHD doesn't mean there isn't more going on and what you describe is extraordinarily severe.
Is there anything, anything at all, that can account for that level of anger? I mean, has anything traumatic happened in his life, that you are aware of at least (that's not meant critically - he could have been abused and you not know it; I'm not for a moment implying lack of concern on your part).
Finally, when did this start - you say "stopped loving" which implies you always did before? Was he always oppositional, or was it different in the past?
Thank you all.
He has always been difficult. They couldn't wait to see the back of him at primary. He would have to sit outside the heads office all year.
I am only now finding it so hard because he is saying more and more nasty things
there isn't one person in the world that likes him
This is so sad to read op
Has he always been a bit of a tear away or is this a recent thing. It could be new school/pressure/baby sibling?
Sorry x posted just read he has always been like this
Why do you think he behaves this way? Has there been a change in his behaviour or has he always struggled? Have you had a close relationship with him until recently? How about his relationships to other family members (dad, granny, cousins) and friends?
You sound at the end of your tether. But he needs you in his corner, he really does. and for you.
Sorry, typed too slowly and x-posted with you. Do you have any idea what the root cause of his behaviour might be?
All my family refuse to see him. His dad left us because of his behaviour... It's just me left, but it's too hard. I know he needs me, but why does he say such horrible things? Why does he wish me dead? I do nothing but try and help him. I do discipline him, but he just sits there counting, for forever, he will get to 60000000000, he just does it until he goes to school or earns something back. He doesn't care. Never gets bored. I'm so lost
I think the unit sounds like a good idea. He needs more than you or the school can give him. And this level of chaos creation is not fair on anyone else, you and DD included - it might help you too.
Was he an awful baby, toddler and preschooler or did his behaviour get worse at some point? Did you ever have a good relationship with him or was it always difficult? What sleeponeday said - there must be more to thins - not at all suggesting you are not a caring Mum but maybe there is something you don't know about.
Sounds really tough for you and I agree that a unit could be the best thing (I used to teach in one) and it turns around some kids to be out fo mainstream school.
Is there anyone in his life (friend, relative) who has a decent relationship with him? If so maybe get this person on board.
My DD is exactly she same, she does however have ADHD (but won't try medication or talking therapies, completely in engaged with the entire process, thinks it's everyone else with the issue). I know exactly how you feel other parents don't let their children associate with her , it only makes them worse - self fulfilling prophecy once they have the reputation it's hard for anyone to give them a chance.
Does sound tough. I'm shocked that a trained counsellor wrote him off. He clearly has some issues and its vital you get to the bottom of them.
A service cannot just refuse to see a child because of behaviour, she should have referred him elsewhere. What did she expect from an 11 year old requiring CBT? A quiet, compliant well mannered little angel? Perhaps finding a male counsellor would be better for him? I'm also baffled by the school. He is either headed for a unit or he isn't. He can't be "close to it" numerous times. Sounds like they are using that as a threat to try to scare you. I'm not sure what they think this will achieve.
You don't mention Dad, or partner, do you have any family support. Is this a recent change in his behaviour? If so, what lead to it? Could it be a hormonal thing, in which case medication can help. It is possible any change in his chemicals has gone a bit wrong. If it's a much longer term thing, then there clearly is an underlying medical issue.
Either way, you cannot and should not be expected to cope with this on your own. Bang hard on any door until someone listens. He is a frightened, unhappy little boy who needs a mum who loves him. The two of you need some help to try to get him back.
When he says horrible things what do you do at that moment?
Poor you and poor him. He sounds like a lost little boy. I hope someone can help.
I would go back to the GP. He sounds more than a bit lively. Tell the GP you are at the end if your tether and he is starting to be violent to his 2-year-old sister. You need your HP to understand that your whole family needs help.
Perhaps he would be better in a different style of school. Not everyone fits into a ordinary school. Have a look and visit other more alternative style schools. They oftehave more success. Why has he always behaved like this?
Sorry I have no helpful advice. You sound like you have tried all you can. I hope you find the help you need
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.