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Mother weird about money

(77 Posts)
seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 21:06:34

Disclaimer: I'm very lucky to have parental support from my parents etc. I'm early 20s and they have been very kind to me over the years. No hand-outs per se, but being there for me and supporting me on the odd occasion while I was a student. They also let me live with them during uni holidays.

They are very well-off, which is entirely due to their own hard work and scrimping. My dad had a good job but they both came from very humble backgrounds and made smart financial decisions, so it has certainly not come easy to them. They are also both very frugal.

I recently had an extremely unexpected demand from university to pay £1600 (fees), a lot of money. Student Finance are dragging their feet about it and I'm right in the middle of exams so quite stressed about finding this money.

My dad has very kindly stepped up and said that my parents will cover it. He said that my parents intended on giving me some money when I graduate this year so they will take it out of this sum. Very very kind.

When my mum heard about it though, she became almost cross?? She insisted on me sending them the email, asked if there was interest attached to it, quizzed me about it. I feel like crying! She has always been very suspicious and hesitant where money has been involved, which I find so unfair as I have never ever relied on parental hand-outs to get by! I had a job throughout university and virtually supported myself.

I really want to try and pay for it myself now as a matter of principle but I really can't find the money in a matter of days. Why is she being like this?! She has always been like this. A few months ago I received a rent deposit back from my landlord (about £600) which had originally been paid for by my parents. My dad said I could leave the money in my account "for emergencies" but my mum demanded it back (well not actually but she expressed her disapproval so much that I instantly transferred it).

I hate this attitude!! sad I feel like a fucking criminal.

Tryingtostayyoung Sat 07-May-16 21:15:11

OP I don't really have much advice because I can't really fathom why she would respond like this to you when your just trying to do something positive with your life. I hope it all goes well and works out flowers

P.s. Could you sit down and have a chat with her? One on one? Maybe there's something bothering her.

Patapouf Sat 07-May-16 21:15:52

To be fair it is a bit weird that student finance are playing up at this stage. Once it's set up the payments should go in like clockwork. What have you done to sort the situation?

Maybe, seeing as you are well into adulthood, your mother is expecting you to stand on your own two feet and your dad is just a bit of a soft touch. I don't see why you think you should keep a deposit they lent you or why you think they should pay your uni fees. You signed he agreement meaning you are responsible for the fees, not your parents.
'Virtually supported' sounds like you were very much relying on them financially, whether they are wealthy or not, they have no duty to pay for anything for you anymore.

winchester1 Sat 07-May-16 21:16:46

I'd guess she grew up poor and doesn't generally trust people with money. Maybe her parents or a close relative stole from her or tricked her out of money at some point.
Also maybe she is stressed about you becoming entitled when they are heading to retirement/ keeping enough for old age if she saw their parents suffer through poverty in retirement.
Personally I'd offer to pay it back with interest but if it was yours in a few months anyway that does seem a bit silly. Your dad seems on side sit your exams and let him deal with your mum.

readytorage Sat 07-May-16 21:19:52

Ok OP you sound like a grounded girl who doesn't get by on her parents' money. My suggestion to you is to mention it to your mum and explain that it's a bit awkward if she and your dad aren't singing from the same hymn sheet. I'd be straight that you are incredibly Grateful for their help thus far but you don't want to rely on it nor do you want it to drive a wedge between you.

Bailey101 Sat 07-May-16 21:19:58

Did you post about your parents a few months ago - the rent deposit thing sounds very familiar?

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 21:22:19

Patapouf, I think you're being unkind, let me spell it out, by "virtually supported", I mean they provided me with no money whatsoever aside from letting me live in their house say 4/5 weeks of the year during university holidays (the rest of the time I was working away, supporting myself) and perhaps giving me a £100 here and there as a financial gift, which I did not ask for and they just gave as a kindness. I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR THIS. Also perhaps paying for the odd train fare for me.

I don't think I should keep the deposit and I don't think they should pay my fees! I just don't understand why they would offer it and then treat me like a criminal for taking them up on their offer? I have always been on my own two feet, I have worked since I was 16 and all treats, holidays, food, accommodation, I have gladly and willingly paid for myself.

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 21:22:56

Yes I did actually Bailey, about the rent deposit in fact! smile

timelytess Sat 07-May-16 21:33:02

Shake it off, don't take it to heart. You dad put forward money when they've had a lifetime of being careful - she might be jealous or she might feel you're becoming dependent.

Clearly, you are very independent. Don't be hurt by your mum. Don't see her attitude as demonstrating lack of love. Just think she's funny about money.

AyeAmarok Sat 07-May-16 21:33:07

I think your mum is getting worried that you are not standing on your own two feet and that you haven't sorted the student finance issue out and instead want your parents to pay it.

RandomMess Sat 07-May-16 21:34:10

I think at some point you need to tell your DM that her attitude around money is hurtful that she seems to be by default accusing you.

It's sad that she is so accusatory about everything when you have been responsible and had minimal help from them with a great work ethic!

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 21:35:50

AyeAmarok - the student finance issue is quite complicated and basically involves them taking me off their books while I'm still a student. In the meantime, my university need the money in four days' time, I have an exam in four days, and I only found out about this three days ago. My head's a mess, it's really not my fault and the last thing I need. I have even offered to set up a repayment plan with my parents!!! I'm really not trying to sponge off them!!!

gingerbreadmanm Sat 07-May-16 21:37:07

Tbh i dont see the problem. You need help. They have offered to pay with proof. You have the proof so send it.

Id actually feel better being able to send it for reassurance although would rather do that then them ask for it.

I dont see a problem a though. You need help they are happy to help provided that you send the details.

Fwiw though my db constantly asks for money under false pretences so i have seen first hand my dps be scorned.

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 21:39:08

Well I have given them proof, my dad logged into my uni account to see the transactions first-hand and I refused his offer of transferring the money into my account, I asked him to pay it directly (with me talking him through it) instead.

I just don't like being treated like someone who is trying to fraudulently take money from them.

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 21:44:06

Well I have given them proof, my dad logged into my uni account to see the transactions first-hand and I refused his offer of transferring the money into my account, I asked him to pay it directly (with me talking him through it) instead.

I just don't like being treated like someone who is trying to fraudulently take money from them.

gingerbreadmanm Sat 07-May-16 21:47:21

Oh apologies i must have missed something. Is your dm not happy with that?

Can you show her the correspondence from student loans requesting the payment?

Fwiw i dont think your dm thinks your swindling her i think she would just feel more comfortable seeing it in black and white.

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 21:51:59

Sorry my fault for not explaining properly. Ok perhaps I am leaping to conclusions here.

I think the issue for me is the way my mum approaches it... So she will jump right in with accusations, "is there interest? when did you hear about it? how much is it? forward us the email" rather than calmly digest the news and give me an opinion. As I mentioned I do just find her approach with money to be quite upsetting. And it makes me feel like a sponger.

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 07-May-16 21:58:12

If they are quite wealthy then presumably you weren't able to access much of a loan as a student. If that's was the case, then I think it's pretty shabby of them not to support you.

brassbrass Sat 07-May-16 22:02:47

They also let me live with them during uni holidays

As a parent I find this sentence incredibly sad.

Surely it was your home? Did they consider you moved out when you left for uni and so this was something you were supposed to be grateful for?

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 22:03:27

Thanks Tinkly but I got an ok loan (not loads but ok - a bit less than my rent) and I topped this up with income from my job. And they did support me here and there as I mentioned, with their contributions adding up.

seriouslysusannah Sat 07-May-16 22:04:24

No no brassbrass it is my home but equally I am keen not to be seen as a sponger smile Im 23, I'm not 18 anymore!

choli Sat 07-May-16 22:05:22

Is there interest is not an accusation, though, it is a perfectly reasonable question. Could you perhaps be a little oversensitive? I know it is hard taking financial help from your parents when you are used to being self supporting (and good for you!), and maybe you are feeling slights that your mum is not intending for you to feel. She may just want to be sure that the best financial decision is made.

brassbrass Sat 07-May-16 22:07:23

I would also echo if you've got this far and you're largely financially independent you've done very well indeed and should be proud of yourself.

Also agree that their attitude towards you is quite shabby judging from your post.

GinnyMcGinFace Sat 07-May-16 22:08:41

OP your attitude to their support is heartening, you sound like offspring to be proud of. Personally, I think the key to this lies in your mum's humble beginnings. I grew up on one of the roughest estates in one of the poorest areas in the country-I had a happy childhood but a very, very poor one. A example: I got my first bed aged 13. It was a mattress on the floor before that. My parents never owed money though and were so careful with every single penny.

Fast forward to now. I earn a very good wage and so does my husband (who comes from similar, if slightly less poor, roots) and we are by no means poor. However, I still check and triple check every outgoing, make sure that bills are accurate (I highlight receipts when unpacking the shopping for example) and account for every penny. It's pathological! Perhaps your mum has similar issues? Although it sounds like she could work on her delivery.

Good luck with your exams flowers

RandomMess Sat 07-May-16 22:09:54

I agree brassbrass, I am carefully treading the line between my soon of to uni DC having to manage her own budget/cash and not wanting to dish out hand outs willy nilly. I certainly don't want her to have paid employment in order to cover her rent and food costs especially as she is heavily involved in her sport. Paid employment to fund her social life yes, fair enough.

That a full time student should feel grateful for being accommodated in the hols... just so sad

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