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To think that people can change?

(13 Posts)
Changeynamename Sat 07-May-16 09:40:01

Say your boyfriend was a bit of a wanker in his early 20s and did very wanker like things (filming me whilst having sex without telling me, generally being a bit of a pick and mean) but now at 26 is completely different and kind and you cant even imagine them being like that at all anymore, would you believe they'd actually changed/grew up?
Been together mostly the whole time, but my parents still have a problem with him I think and I don't know how to get them to see that we get on really well now and I don't want them to have a bad opinion of him

MayhemandMadness Sat 07-May-16 09:44:45

How do you know that he still isn't filming you? Maybe he has just learnt to cover his tracks better

I do believe that people can change but they have to admit that they were in the wrong and why they did it. They have to accept that they caused pain to another person and understand why its a big deal.

Yes, I believe people can change, but I wouldn't trust them.

Junosmum Sat 07-May-16 10:50:26

Yes, people can change. Me and DP were both dicks in our early 20s, now early 30s, married, own house, one baby, and no longer dicks. But only you can know if he really has changed or if he only appears to have changed.

katemiddletonsnudeheels Sat 07-May-16 10:51:32

I definitely believe people can change flowers however some people grow more like themselves.

curren Sat 07-May-16 10:54:15

People can change.

However someone who thinks its ok to film someone having sex without their consent would need a lot of work.

You aren't the sort of person that thinks that's ok, then wake up one day and changed.

That wasn't done because he was immature. That was done because he felt he had a right to do what he wanted. And more of a right over you and your body than you did.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 07-May-16 10:55:51

There's change and then there's learning to cover up what a creep you are. I think this is a case of the latter...

acasualobserver Sat 07-May-16 10:57:04

Yes, definitely, people can choose to change themselves. But they can't be made to change.

Seeyounearertime Sat 07-May-16 10:58:42

People can change if they want to. Noone can change if they don't want to.

But... if he filmed you without your knowledge what on earth are you still doing anywhere near him? That is a massive breach of trust, is perverted and, in my opinion, sick.

So yes, he could have changed, but if he gets rouse by iming you secretly, if that's his turn on, I doubt he will have. He'll just be playing the charm card and hiding it better.

tigermoll Sat 07-May-16 11:11:15

People can change -- it's just that mostly they don't.

Especially in an established dynamic -- you say that you guys have been together through the time he was breaking the law and sexually exploiting you (which is what it means to film someone having sex without their consent). So to him, you are someone that he KNOWS he can treat badly, and you will still stay with him. Is it surprising that your parents aren't 100 percent sold on this creep? You say he was 'a wanker' in his early twenties (so 21 to 24?) but now at the lofty age of 26, he is a changed man. I'd probably never trust him again if I was them.

What makes you sure your boyfriend is different to how he was? I mean, real concrete examples, not just that you 'can't imagine him behaving that way now' (that says more about your imagination than his behaviour, BTW).

Changeynamename Sat 07-May-16 11:52:35

I stayed with him because I was pregnant. Stupid I know. I did actually break up with him for a while blur was a bit on/off. Last time we broke up was over a year ago and was for a a couple of months. He's been really different since then mostly. I am a bit worried about some things still though he hasn't been the most supportive when things have been hard for me but I guess time will tell on that one.
Concrete examples is a bit difficult he's just completely different to how he used to be e.g he takes responsibility for things now, like housework and ds, is a lot more fair about everythiny and thinks about me a lot more rather than just himself which is how he used to be. Hard to explain really

Lightbulbon Sat 07-May-16 12:10:02

He sexually abused you!

Get him the f out of your life.

It sounds like he has groomed you.

Don't be fooled.

tigermoll Sat 07-May-16 13:17:33

Well, you didn't ask "should I stay with him", so I won't comment on that. But you did ask "how can I persuade my parents to like him?".

You can't. They have seen him mess you around for years, your relationship has been 'on-off', you have stayed with him because you got pregnant (have you any idea how powerless and upset they must have felt to watch that happen to you?) and (depending on how much you told them about his behaviour) they know some pretty unsavoury things about him. You may have decided that he's different now, and want them to sweep it under the rug and pretend to like him, but they don't have to.

I know it would make it easier to continue your relationship if everyone around you was saying things like "wow, he's really changed" and "your boyfriend is amazing" but it's not their job to persuade you everything is fine now (especially if it isn't).

You have to decide if YOU really think he is good enough (not just that he has changed "a bit" and is "better than he used to be") and if this is a relationship you are happy to stay in. If so, then other people's opinions have to come second to your own.

xandra588 Sat 07-May-16 13:21:04

It may be a cover up. Kinda depends of the person. Discuss his change with your parents. Or make him talk to them. confused

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