To want to ask DH not to stay over

[timeforheroes]

DH's sibling is hosting their birthday do in a city centre bar a couple of hours drive away. We as a family (DH, myself and our young children who are all pre-school age) were all invited, I didn't like the idea of taking them to a bar anyway but as things unfolded it turned out they have no baby facilities and it coincides with a football match, meaning I had a genuine reason to say I didn't want them there.

So DH said he would go alone, my MiL offered to have the children (being nearly 70 she isn't exactly enamoured with the idea of going to a bar from 2pm onwards) so DH and I could go, but DH's sibling said they wanted their mum to have a break and enjoy herself. Totally fine, I'd already turned down the offer as it's her child's birthday and didn't want her to miss it.

Fast forward to now, and DH's sibling is asking DH to book a hotel and stay overnight. The party coincides with the Euros and a festival, the cheapest room is £140, so on top of travel, drinks, food and a present, we will be looking at £300+ for one night. I don't really want him to spend that sort of cash, and tbh he has said he doesn't, but his sibling is saying that no one wants to stay and hardly anyone has RSVP'ed saying yes. He now feels guilty. I understand that guilt, but we've gone from him driving up and coming back later on in the evening, costing the price of some diesel, food and soft drinks (plus present) to a far more substantial amount, because let's face it, if he stays over he will get drunk and spend far more...plus parking...blah blah. We have disposable income but (here comes the bit I think I'm going to get shot to pieces for) I can't help but think it could be better spent elsewhere. That's easily a couple of days out with the kids.

I don't know, now I've typed it I think I am being unreasonable...

[BillSykesDog]

Yes, you are being unreasonable. It's his sibling. You have already made a couple of pretty flimsy excuses for you and the children not going, to stop him staying over would be petty and a bit obstructive.

Why can't he stay with his mother or sibling or a friend of the sibling to keep costs down?

[OurBlanche]

DH needs to point out to his sibling that the responses already received are a BIG HINT... it is too expensive for most of the people they have invited.

YANBU but I can see that your DH will be torn.

[Fishcake72]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It's a lot of money. It winds me up when people decide to have social occasions that fit their income and don't consider other people.

[curren]

I think Yabu.

You can afford it, yes the money could be spent on something else, but we could say that about most things.

Unless the sibling does this every year I think ywbu to ask him not to

[timeforheroes]

I'm not going because I can't get childcare. The children aren't going because it is a bar, it has no baby changing facilities and when I phoned the venue the manager actually advised me not to bring the children as they are showing the England match and the bar would be open to the public. Obviously our views on appropriate places to take children under 3 are different, just don't fancy them being around a load of drunk people.

The city that the do is in isn't where his mum or sibling live, it's a 2 hour drive for his mum too. Everyone attending is travelling, which I think is why the RSVPs probably haven't been as forthcoming as they had hoped.

[Lemond1fficult]

I think it's down to your dh. If he wants to go and you can afford it as a family, he should go.

If he doesn't want to stay or the kids will miss out on a trip later, and would be doing it just to please his brother, he should just go for the evening. A day-to-evening do is plenty from an obligations point of view.

His brother's guilt-tripping is neither here nor there (though I can't blame him for trying).

[timeforheroes]

You're right, it is his decision, I've not shared my feelings and won't.

[Chlobee87]

YANBU. I don't think any of your reasons are "flimsy excuses" as per one PP. That's an odd comment IMO. I wouldn't take pre schoolers to a bar whilst a football match was on either. I can see that your DH is torn but I definitely agree that it's too much money to spend on one night, for me at least.

That said, I think I'd be tempted to support DH's decision on this one. It's his DB after all. If he wants to go, I'd be OK with that - it's not as though he doesn't see your concerns. But I would let him make the decision. Or maybe suggest he talks to DB about changing his plans. I think his lack of RSVPs is probably related to the massive cost involved and maybe the fact that the footy is on. If the party is not for ages yet then he might be better looking at more realistic alternatives. I'd feel comfortable enough with my DB to have that conversation, I suppose it depends how close they are though.

[BillSykesDog]

If the bar said not suitable fair enough, but no baby changing is a bit of a flimsy excuse and you turned down childcare and presumably haven't tried to arrange an alternative childcare so you can go.

Perhaps she will rethink the venue, but if not I still think he should go, it's his sibling.

If you're going to say that spending money on celebrating with her could be 'better spent elsewhere' I assume that in future you will turn down all gifts for you, DH and the children and not expect her to make any reciprocal effort? I'm sure she can think of better things to spend her money on too.

[BillSykesDog]

And would you say the same thing if it came to your own family...

[timeforheroes]

BillSykes - I turned down childcare because it meant their OWN mum wouldn't be able to go...plus he said that their mum was not to look after the children.
I'm not sure what childcare you have available to you, but we have no family close by, we don't have childcare options.

It's not the money celebrating, it's the staying over, that's something additional is it not? He can still celebrate with his sibling and not stay over? Or is a hotel now part of all birthday invites? It's not like I'm saying not to spend any money on the birthday...

[Keely93]

I don't think it's unreasonable. I wouldn't pay it myself for my sisters or brother and I love them dearly, but it's too expensive.

[timeforheroes]

I would say the same with my family, we are very different in the sense we are quite open and straight talking. If my sister planned something like this, I'd explain the situation and say I'm come down for 2 and leave later in the evening, probably 9/10ish, when no doubt she would be drunk and having a laugh with her mates. If she asked me to stay, it would be a flat no. But that's me. Like we've covered, it's his decision.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Is it a big birthday 30 or 40?

[Pseudo341]

£300 for what is essentially going to be an evening in a pub?! That's just ridiculous. I'd say she hasn't really thought it through properly. Does she live near the bar in question? If so then surely your DH can bunk down on the floor at her place for the night. I think in your position I wouldn't try to stop DH going if he really wanted to and we could afford it but I wouldn't be particularly impressed. You didn't say if it was a landmark birthday or not. I'm assuming it's got to be, but even so you can't expect a load of people to shell out hundreds of pounds on your birthday. It seems rather narcissistic to me.

[KondosSecretJunkRoom]

Why would you decide to have a birthday bash in a pub 2 hours from where you live whilst making everyone travel just as far or further, including your mum, and then demand people stay over in a hotel because of this ridiculous decision?

Am I reading that right?

What kind of magical pub is worth all this carry on?

[OurBlanche]

Like travelling to where friends/family are rather than asking everyone to spend a few hundred pounds?

Or having 2 nights if friends and work colleagues in Farawania have also been invited.

You know, like wot most people would do

[timeforheroes]

Trying to respond to questions!

It is a landmark birthday, yes.

No one lives in said city for DH to stay with. Sibling lived there but moved to another city (around 5 hours from birthday venue) around 5 years ago. I imagine they chose the city as everyone would have to travel anyway and this option would be more central, but that's my guess.

I'm saying £300ish as the present will be £100 plus, then the hotel is £140, then you've got to factor in drinks etc. DH can't bunk up with anyone that we know of yet (will suggest that) as sibling has a partner, mum has a partner and other sibling is leaving in the evening as their child isn't old enough to be on the premises after 7pm.

[JapaneseSlipper]

YANBU

[pearlylum]

YANBU.

Unless we were rich £300 is far too much to be taking out of family coffers.

[PirateFairy45]

I may be being stupid, but why can't DH stay with his brother, or his parents?

[JuneBuggy]

Can anyone else have your DC's so you can attend with DH? Make an evening of it, enjoy yourselves.

Yes, the money can be spent elsewhere but as one PP said, that can be said for loads of things.

[timeforheroes]

@PirateFairy They don't live there, none of the attending family members do.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"his sibling is saying that no one wants to stay and hardly anyone has RSVP'ed saying yes."

Perhaps the brotherly thing to do then would be for your DH to start a conversation raising WHY this might be?

It sounds like a crap birthday bash anyway; drive to a city nobody lives in, drink in a bar showing a football match that will be followed loudly by other patrons of the bar, drive home. Is his brother usually so socially unaware?

[FunkyPeacock]

If its a significant birthday and you are not really stretched financially then I think it would be unreasonable to ask your DH not to stay over (if he decides of his own accord not to stay over than fair enough but if he feels he should go then he probably should)