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To have found this insulting?

(20 Posts)
HodgePodge23 Fri 06-May-16 11:51:30

Myself and my toddler are going away with a few friends for a quiet weekend in the countryside. My partner just came in and told me not to get drunk as he won't be there to look after our son.

Aibu to have found this insulting? The only time in the last year that I have gotten drunk was on my birthday. It feels as if he doesn't trust me to be a responsible adult, when in my opinion I haven't given him a reason to think that.

He stormed out the room when I calmly told him I felt insulted and told me he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if something bad happened and he hadn't said it.

Jackie0 Fri 06-May-16 11:58:05

I'd be insulted too.
He's talking to you as though you're an alcoholic, not only that but someone who is irresponsible and would put their child at risk.
What's that about?
Is he resenting the fact you're going?

NapQueen Fri 06-May-16 12:02:18

1) he feels the need to "parent" you
2) he feels you are incapable of making sensible drinking choices
3) he feels you would neglect the wellbeing of your son over alcohol

He either
1) is a controlling arsehole
2) knows you have issues with alcohol
3) is jealous that you are getting a trip away
4) actually thinks you are a crap mother

None of which Id be happy with and all.of which would offend me too.

Is he always a prick?

NeedsAsockamnesty Fri 06-May-16 12:03:47

Does he think you are a secret boozer?

Anniegetyourgun Fri 06-May-16 12:06:52

Ha! XH used to tell me to look both ways before I crossed the road, and not to give my handbag or the baby to any strangers to hold. He wasn't even teasing. He also used to tell me when I commuted not to sit next to any men with beards on the train in case I fell asleep. I wondered whether clean-shaven men are generally not given to running off with handbags or are just better at restraining the urge to grope random women in trains. He said "don't be silly". Ah, the joys of having someone to look after you hmm


curren Fri 06-May-16 12:07:30

Was he serious?

Dh would say it to me, knowing I very rarely drink and never get drunk. As a joke.

Seems a weird thing to say out of the blue

waitingforsomething Fri 06-May-16 12:42:17

was he kidding? My husband would probably say this to me as a joke as I obviously would never do it and neither would he.
If it's not a joke I'd be offended too

FarrowandBallAche Fri 06-May-16 12:44:41

Are your friends boozers?

He must have had a reason to say it.

Clandestino Fri 06-May-16 12:47:14

Are your friends and yourself fond of alcohol or is he a control freak?

HodgePodge23 Fri 06-May-16 12:51:28

He definitely wasn't joking and I don't think he's jealous at me going away. He is the biggest worrier ever. He told me to not let our son run around in a big water fountain built for children in case he slipped. He also won't let our son more than a metre away from him when we're out at museums and other places in case he is kidnapped. His words.

I think because of the amount he worries, no one lives up to his standards. I'm certainly not willing to live up to his standards as they aren't healthy. He is trying to get help with it and has thankfully made a doctors appointment. But still it's frustrating in the meantime.

RubbleBubble00 Fri 06-May-16 12:55:38

Ok so has problems this area. I wouldn't be insulted I would have calmly told him he's being a bit silly and letting his negative thoughts overtake his sensible thoughts.

PuppyMonkey Fri 06-May-16 12:55:40

What exactly did you do when you got drunk on your birthday?? grin

Sorry but can't imagine being in a close relationship with someone and taking a comment like this seriously tbh. Tell him he's a twat and move on.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism Fri 06-May-16 12:57:57

I don't know

either he is over anxious, and needs to learn to internalise this and recognise it and process it before deciding whether to act on it

Or, you are planning on drinking in sole charge of a small child

Are you planning on drinking?

plimsolls Fri 06-May-16 13:02:28

1) he feels the need to "parent" you
2) he feels you are incapable of making sensible drinking choices
3) he feels you would neglect the wellbeing of your son over alcohol

He either
1) is a controlling arsehole
2) knows you have issues with alcohol
3) is jealous that you are getting a trip away
4) actually thinks you are a crap mother*

If any of the above, then yes you should feel insulted.

Alternative: is he struggling with irrational anxiety? If so, whilst I understand feeling insulted, its not about you- it's irrational (and he needs to do something about it, of course).

Divathecat Fri 06-May-16 13:20:43

Hodgepodge I think that you have answered your own AIBU, he is just anxious that you are going away, having thought about it he has worries and mentioned the drinking worry and the big water fountain worry. I wouldn't take this as huge slight on you?

He is a worrier, if you think that his worrying is OTT or maybe is having a negative effect on your DS then address this with him? a decent counsellor will do some fear management excersizes with him.

Go and have a lovely time, when you and your DS come home happy and in one piece then he can see that his fears were unfounded.

squizita Fri 06-May-16 13:24:23

HodgePodge I will NOT stand for santimommy (well, sanctidaddy) stuff from my DH. He tends to do it when jealous or feeling a bit worn down and it's transparently clear it is to do with either clinging to some kind of inflated status/dealing with anxiety by being controlling or being pissy and digging at me. Only happened a couple of times.
I let him have it to be quite honest. It's not on. I openly tell him if he did it regularly it would actually be emotional abuse. Not on AT ALL.

hmm He once said he was confiscating the baby because I have a phobia of wasps so might run with her in arms on bumpy ground, when we were at a food festival.

You have every right to be insulted.
He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

squizita Fri 06-May-16 13:28:46

Diva I have clinical anxiety. I cannot/should not go round accusing people of things they have not done.

This was utterly rude and controlling.

He didn't say "will there be alcohol? I'm worried about if a responsible adult were needed if we had to drive LO to hospital..." He accused the OP of being a neglecter who gets blotto with her child there.
That's control and it's toxic. Even if it comes from worry, it's laden with patronising control.

Tiopyn Fri 06-May-16 14:42:47

If DH is a known worrier then I wouldn't take it too personally. It's not about you living up to his standards - I'm sure he worries about everything, even his own behaviour, and not being there will make it worse.
YANBU for being a little put out by the implied suggestion that you would get too drunk to look after DS, though!

Squizita - My DM did once smack my head on the car windscreen when I was a newborn as a wasp flew by!

MiscellaneousAssortment Fri 06-May-16 16:14:02

Sounds like he's 'gifting' you all responsibility for his irrational anxiety problem.

He's decided that it's ok to be rude, accusatory and disrespectful just as long as he gets to work off his issues on you. It's not the anxiety doing that, it's him.

He's not a child, so he doesn't get to run around making those closest to him under the control of his anxiety. He needs to be a proper grown up and go to the doctors, start on medication and commit to counselling, CBT is good for anxiety.

It's not his fault he has anxiety, but it's not a get out of jail free card, as others with anxiety have made clear on this thread.

squizita Fri 06-May-16 16:30:43

Tiopyn Ouch! In my defense I work with kids so am actually rather good at hiding my shitting myself irrational fear and shakingly pushing them out of the window on a thick newspaper etc. Well, unless I start with the "it's more scared than us" stuff and my wavery voice gives me away!

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